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Original poster

Husband's become a stranger

46 replies

tradedinforyoungermodel · 02/10/2017 17:12

Hi
I don't know why I'm writing really as I'm so worn out with it all and can't see any way forward. My husband (together nearly 25 years), has announced that he no longer has any feelings for me. I had the dreaded ILYBANILWY. He has gone from a loving, affectionate, funny caring sensitive individual, to a cold, distant unfeeling, stranger who just does not care. He has literally turned his back when I have wept with the grief of it - it does feel like I have suffered a bereavement. We used to be best friends and we had planned a future together now that we are heading to retirement. Children are grown and it seemed we were moving into a stage where we could finally really enjoy our time together. But all that has gone out the window. He is like a stranger; it seems now that he cannot stand the sight of me. Gone is the handholding, hugs, cuddles, instead replaced with silence or otherwise talking to me like I'm a work colleague. He hardly texts anymore and when he does, it's just household stuff, devoid of affection, certainly no kisses at the end - I'm surprised he doesn't sign off with 'kind regards'. For some time he has refused to let his phone out of his sight. He is on it constantly. I asked him if his feelings for me had changed because of someone else but he denies this. I don't know what to think. He has ample opportunity as he works away all the time. I just can't bear to think about it. I trusted him completely and invested nearly half my lifetime in him. The only other thing that I think might be a reason is that for many years now he has taken stronger and stronger painkillers for a chronic pain condition. Despite my concern the strength has increased and now I do believe he is addicted. Codeine based stuff and Morphine. Does anyone know if this could bring about such a radical personality change? I have told him that he now seems incapable of feeling any emotions and his change towards me is because he just doesn't feel anything anymore. Does anyone have any experience of this? Am I clutching at straws?

I am at my wit's end. He has dropped the bombshell of telling me he has no feelings for me any more, but then seems to want to just carry on as normal. I've told him if that is how he feels then we must get the house ready to sell, sort out our finances and try and make separate lives. But he won't talk to me so nothing gets resolved. It is torture and I just don't know what to do. Any help please?

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/10/2017 17:14

Is he buying that stuff illegally or is it prescribed?

I'll get shot down here but I would hire a private detective, I think. If my husband felt like that I'd want the chance to start a new life without him.

Logbaskethandles · 02/10/2017 17:15

You poor love Flowers would he consider counselling to get to the root of the problem?

pog100 · 02/10/2017 17:17

I have no experience directly but from what I read on here this is absolutely classic behaviour when they have found another woman. I think you need to take control and end the relationship on your terms, not his, because he isn't and will not be worth sharing a life with any more. I'm sorry...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2017 17:18

It sounds like he has met someone else; that is what has caused the personality change. He is simply now trying to have his cake and eat it as well; he has no right at all to seemingly want you to carry on as normal. He is both a weak and selfish man.

I would seek legal advice asap and talk to a Solicitor about separation.

Original poster
tradedinforyoungermodel · 02/10/2017 17:18

It is all prescribed. GP is happy to just keep repeating the prescriptions with no reviews or anything. I suppose DH says everythings fine, as long as he keeps getting the medicine. DH agreed to go to counselling with me but he has now changed his mind and is going alone. He's been twice. I've no idea what was said though.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2017 17:24

I would bet the farm he is having an affair. Classic red flags. It's time to salvage your dignity and take control of your future. Get a solicitor and maybe even a private detective to find out the absolute truth. Do NOT allow him to treat you this way and then just stay in the house as though he hasn't just shattered your whole world.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 02/10/2017 17:39

Very difficult to know for sure but such a drastic personality change would suggest to me that he has met some one else and - as far as your relationship with him is concerned - he is committing relationship suicide - killing the relationship off through distance, lack of affection and treating you like a work colleague and not being honest about where he is up to. This is terribly cruel and cowardly of him.

Devastating though it is, there is little you can do unless he is prepared to recommit. I would start being as cold and as distant as he is (if you can manage it) and would see a solicitor. I'm so sorry - this must be absolutely horrible for you.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/10/2017 17:42

It’s nothing to do with the drugs, he’s found someone else

Don’t fall for any bullshit, he’s clearly lying to you Flowers

BadHatter · 02/10/2017 17:43

Looking back at your relationship, would you say that it fulfilled him? The relationship made him happy? What was/is missing?

MaterReteMefecit · 02/10/2017 17:49

Take the reins in your own hands.
See a solicitor and get your house valued. Don't wait in misery for his decision to act.
Go for it. Live your best life.

Choosegopse · 02/10/2017 17:57

If he has already told you that i.e. That he has no feelings for you, then what more do you want or need him to say? If you don't want a loveless marriage then you have to tell him it is over. I really feel for you, it's hard i know...

Original poster
tradedinforyoungermodel · 02/10/2017 18:00

BadHatter
I wasn't aware that anything was missing apart from time with him. He put work first on the basis that he was 'providing for the family' and I put up with it. Now I am paying the price? I thought I was a good wife; we were happy. Clearly I wasn't enough; our family/home life wasn't enough.

OP posts:
KinkyFruits · 02/10/2017 18:04

There's a huge difference between addiction and dependence. If your DH is legally prescribed pain medication for a legitimate health condition he will most certainly be physically dependent on it, meaning that he would suffer withdrawal symptoms if he stopped taking it suddenly. That is not at all the same as addiction, which is when a person abuses drugs for non-medical purposes and psychologically and physically can't stop taking them. Addiction can indeed cause a personality change, but from what you've described my money is on another woman. I'm sorry.

Hermonie2016 · 02/10/2017 18:08

I'm so sorry, I also suspect OW and the counselling is about helping him make a decision.

I really wouldn't do the pick me dance as he will not respect you.Is there a chance you can get to see his phone?

Do you believe him when he says there isn't anyone else?

It isn't you however so please don't feel you have done anything wrong.

Original poster
tradedinforyoungermodel · 02/10/2017 18:14

Yes I think the counselling is for his benefit not our benefit.
He keeps his phone on him at all times (even in bathroom). He has consistently denied an affair but I can't see anyone throwing his wife, family and home away at this stage in his life unless there is someone waiting in the wings. She must be something pretty spectacular.

OP posts:
Original poster
tradedinforyoungermodel · 02/10/2017 18:17

Does it matter if he doesn't respect me? If he hates me now as he seems to do. I mean nothing to him so I doubt he would even care what I do. Over two decades mean nothing to him.

OP posts:
shushpenfold · 02/10/2017 18:20

My dsis' not so dh said this too....my dh said he's found someone else. My dh was right. Really sorry. Xx

EllenRipley · 02/10/2017 18:25

I’m so sorry, I can only agree with others - there is very probably another woman involved. I don’t have direct experience but I’ve been witness to almost exactly the same scenario. I don’t want to stereotype men but in these situations they seem to be very adept at withdrawing, living in denial and going cold. There’s method to his apparent madness. I can also say with certainty that for you, there is light at the end of the tunnel, though it won’t feel like that just now. You’ve done NOTHING wrong and you don’t deserve any of this so don’t dwell on questioning yourself. Find a way forward and keep going - and don’t be afraid to hold him to account along the way because at some point you’re going to get very, very angry. X

Original poster
tradedinforyoungermodel · 02/10/2017 18:25

Shushpenfold God. What a nightmare. Is she ok?
I don't think I will ever be ok again. Can't accept he is able to hurt me like this and not care. Can't accept his betrayal.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2017 18:36

You WILL be ok again. Turn your hurt and confusion into resolve and action. Show your husband you will not be strung along and treated like yesterday's trash. Right now you are letting him have all of the control. Fuck that and fuck him. No matter how hard it is, pull yourself together and get organised. He might think he calls the shots, prove him wrong.

user1495443009 · 02/10/2017 18:49

Probably another woman. Very hard, keep strong and file for divorce and try to rebuild your life.

Bumshkawahwah · 02/10/2017 21:30

When my H started an affair, his behavior changed overnight and his treatment of me got steadily worse, until I found out about the affair. To be able to tell himself that what he was doing was justifiable, he had to see me as a bad wife, neglectful of him etc etc.

Can you get hold of his phone - when he is sleeping, perhaps? I was never a snooper until my suspicions got too strong...I checked his email and found out from there.

Blokesworlduk · 02/10/2017 22:35

You need to take back control. It's not up to him what happens. He is having an affair.

If he doesn't love you anymore then end it now rather than waste any more years

MistressDeeCee · 02/10/2017 23:10

Your H has another woman. Absolutely classic signs. The coldness, and the mobile phone welded to him. What do you mean the other woman must be 'spectacular?'. No she's not - she is just new, so different and exciting in his eyes. The cheek of these men is they want to remain in the comfort of the family home no doubt with wife catering to his needs, whilst treating said wife like shit. Work colleagues and his new woman get his smiling face, the nice side of him

STOP putting up with this. He is not a God, you know. If eventually it does all end then you will go on to survive it.

You need to gather your strength and put that man in his place. Tell him you will not put up with being treated with cold disdain and content any longer. Tell him to leave - you are not there to be treated like rubbish

Let him fuck off to his fancy woman...maybe she's married so he can't go to her hence still with you in the home. Or for some other reason it isn't convenient. Well, you make it inconvient for him.

Stop the doormat thing. Stop the wondering if you were good enough. What is 'good' enough anyway? Who gets to decide? He has told you in your face he does not want or love you anymore. Well then its time for him to do something about his words and actions isn't it? You will do yourself no favours by letting him calls all the shots in this.

& it won't make him love you again either. File for divorce. You'll be in no worse a situation than you are now. You sound to be a very caring and kind woman.

He is lucky. In your shoes I would have rocketed his arse straight out of the door, with his cheek of thinking he could disrespect me. Let him go to miss whoever she is, see if its all hearts and flowers when reality hits and she has to take him in (& wether it is or isnt, who cares).. Then Id put my feet up for a bit and go on to get all necessary documents and paperwork to hand, for stage 2

Do get all your necessary paperwork together won't you? Including all financial info. Don't tell him a damn thing. Look after yourself. Its hard going through this kind of thing but you will get by. You wouldn't want to live with a man who does not love you care for you respect you for years to come, would you? Thats the road to soul-destroying misery. Make no man your God. Its not worth it

Good luck

springydaffs · 02/10/2017 23:19

Looking back at your relationship, would you say that it fulfilled him? The relationship made him happy? What was/is missing?

What kind of bullshit is this hatter? People have affairs bcs they're selfish, usually.

No relationship is perfect. It is absurd - and downright cruel - to suggest he's strayed bcs he wasn't getting enough at home. He was happy enough to stay for 25 years.

Talking of cruel and selfish - how vile he has been and is being. Once you get over the immense shock you'll be glad to get rid of this toad. Angry

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