Husband's become a stranger

[tradedinforyoungermodel]

Hi
I don't know why I'm writing really as I'm so worn out with it all and can't see any way forward. My husband (together nearly 25 years), has announced that he no longer has any feelings for me. I had the dreaded ILYBANILWY. He has gone from a loving, affectionate, funny caring sensitive individual, to a cold, distant unfeeling, stranger who just does not care. He has literally turned his back when I have wept with the grief of it - it does feel like I have suffered a bereavement. We used to be best friends and we had planned a future together now that we are heading to retirement. Children are grown and it seemed we were moving into a stage where we could finally really enjoy our time together. But all that has gone out the window. He is like a stranger; it seems now that he cannot stand the sight of me. Gone is the handholding, hugs, cuddles, instead replaced with silence or otherwise talking to me like I'm a work colleague. He hardly texts anymore and when he does, it's just household stuff, devoid of affection, certainly no kisses at the end - I'm surprised he doesn't sign off with 'kind regards'. For some time he has refused to let his phone out of his sight. He is on it constantly. I asked him if his feelings for me had changed because of someone else but he denies this. I don't know what to think. He has ample opportunity as he works away all the time. I just can't bear to think about it. I trusted him completely and invested nearly half my lifetime in him. The only other thing that I think might be a reason is that for many years now he has taken stronger and stronger painkillers for a chronic pain condition. Despite my concern the strength has increased and now I do believe he is addicted. Codeine based stuff and Morphine. Does anyone know if this could bring about such a radical personality change? I have told him that he now seems incapable of feeling any emotions and his change towards me is because he just doesn't feel anything anymore. Does anyone have any experience of this? Am I clutching at straws?

I am at my wit's end. He has dropped the bombshell of telling me he has no feelings for me any more, but then seems to want to just carry on as normal. I've told him if that is how he feels then we must get the house ready to sell, sort out our finances and try and make separate lives. But he won't talk to me so nothing gets resolved. It is torture and I just don't know what to do. Any help please?

Thank you for reading.

Well said springydaffs

Too tired to rtft thread op but apart from pain killers ...it's my exh to a T

Traded, she is far better now but it's 3 yrs down the line (4 yrs since he first started the 'I'm sad' shit) She was very, very hurt and very angry for a long part of this and has only recently started to feel some indifference, helped I suspect by the divorce finally not going all his way. Her youngest DS (19) was finally 'allowed' to move in with ex dh so his life was cramped somewhat with new woman. My dsis has also seen him recently and is apparently looking old, fat and is losing his hair, which also helps!! Stay close to your friends and take one day at a time.

Hi OP I was also in a long relationship - together 30 years, married 22. When I eventually caught my exH out cheating and found out he had been doing it on and off for years, I realised that the times when he was cheating were the periods when he was cold and horrible to me an found fault with me all the time.

As a PP has said, he had to justify his actions to himself by demonising me.

I was devastated at the time, not helped by him being utterly shitty about money and dragging on the divorce for 2 years. He shacked up with someone new within 2 weeks and eventually married her.

5 years down the line I can honestly say that, apart from the odd bit of rage when he lets down the DC, I really could not care less about him and my life is much happier than when I was with him. I have good friends, am writing and studying and I love not being at the mercy of someone else's moods.

I know it seems impossible now, but there really is a better life out there.

You are in shock and hurt so be gentle on yourself. You might not be able to summon up anger immediately, just let the hurt out and feel what you need to feel. But really, if he has said he is not in love with you and hasn't got any ideas about what to do to get it back and doesn't seem bothered by it, then that is a clear sign that it is over for him. Can you go away for a bit or ask him to?

How are you today OP?

Sorry OP but I think there is another woman

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply; I am very grateful. Not what I wanted to hear, I wanted you all to say it was just caused by brain chemicals being altered, but no-one at all has said that. I agree that OW seems most likely but I just don't want to accept that. (what does it say about me though that I would prefer a brain problem than an OW!!) I just feel so incredibly sad. Terrified, panic stricken and in shock too all at the same time if that is possible. I wouldn't wish this living hell on anyone.

You are being pushed into a new stage of your life, OP, and of course it is hard. But it will get better.

Textbook affair.

If you really love him and would like to stay with him, I suggest you try for some more time. Perhaps you could talk about your time together before, may be you could make a photo frame of collection of many pictures from the past and hang in the home. Show some excitement to re-kindle the relationship. Think like you are going to start all over again with him. Anything creative to make him feel surprised. May be you could buy him something he likes. You might have to have a shift in your approach. The more you make him feel like its all new, the more you can get the excitement back.

You feel bad because all the control is in his hands, tradedin. You will start to feel better when you take some control. DON'T let him flollop around doing sad sack faces and being all distant to you, whilst you do all the house work and try to pretend to be perfect. Tell him if it's not working for him, then he can bugger off and see if living alone works better. Wrest the control out of his hands (you're going to get the 'I want a divorce' talk any day now, better if it comes TO him FROM you). Make him wake up and see what a chilly place the world is when there isn't someone doing your washing and ironing and providing you with a soft bed every night...

And ignore annaharvey. He's already gone in his head. Prostrating yourself to make him feel as though you are 'new' isn't going to work. He will just despise you more.

Another one who believes it's an OW. His behaviour is typical of it.

You need to stop any begging, no talking about the marriage or future.... except how to spilt.

You need to implement the

180

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

Do not do the pick me dance. His mind elsewhere. He'll just see you as undesirable if you do that.

Remember this...

"He who cares least, has the most power ". That's him right now.

Do your own thing and leave him be. The only reason he won't wabt to divorce is money.

Have you told your adult children yet?

Been there and bought the t shirt. My exH because more and more cold and dismissive with me. I used to try and open conversations as to why he seemed unhappy. He told me it was purely work related stress.

The reality was he was having multiple affairs and using prostitutes for the last 30 years. He was very happy to string me along as an unpaid housekeeper while he played away.

• became

If you want any chance of saving your marriage, do the opposite of what annaharvey says.

Tell him to leave. If he doesn't love you, he cannot stay. Pack his things and send him elsewhere. Gather evidence of the affair if you can. Private detective or get his phone while he sleeps.

Either he will get a shock and realise his mistake or if he doesn't, you have kept your dignity.

I think someone else involved too. It isn't 'you' OP, it's boredom and the thrill of the 'new' , for many it's an addictive buzz when life gets mundane. The best revenge is to actually cheer up so he suspects bugger all, get ducks in a row and you tell him you are off, suddenly that illicit buzz doesnt seem quite so exciting

This is what you need to do.

The 180

You'll need to evaluate them, and use the ones that apply to your situation. Some of these are good for anyone to do. Like not following them around the house. You don't want to come across as desperate.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead orimplore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put onhold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallestCONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

I mean this in the kindest way but when someone tells you they don't love you anymore, believe them. He's detaching himself from you, and because of this has most likely got someone waiting in the wings. My mum wasted years of her life trying to get my dad to stay/love her, and it destroyed her. I think you need to listen to what he's telling you, and walk away with your dignity intact. He's destroyed your life and dreams, and that isn't the actions of someone that loves you and cares for you. I think purple has it right in asking him to leave so that he can't hurt you further and further. I'm so sorry he's done this to you .