Hi folks

[JamboTam]

Hey ladies, I'm new here and looking for some advice. My relationship has fizzled out in my opinion, I'm 37 and keep myself in pretty good shape, I also work long hours. My other half hasn't worked since Xmas time and mostly sits around smoking canibis all day (which I subsidise as she receives no benefits). She has 2 children that I have brought up for the last 9 years, the r now 20 and 16. I feel like I never see my mates anymore or my family as I just don't have any spare cash once all the bills r paid, plus I work all the overtime I can just to make ends meet. She has been diagnosed with depression, but I really don't know how much more I can take, I feel like a drone as oppose to a human being. Also our sexlife is non existent

Thanks for listening
T

Is she having any treatment for the depression?

What do you want advice about? How to be more human?

I, on behalf of all womankind give you permission to have an affair. You're so kind to stay with her, time to do something for you.

Does the fact you’re subsidising her cannabis use mean that you’re using it together? Otherwise why would you be paying for her recreational drug use?

Brian?

Have you tried talking to her about how she's feeling, and what you're feeling?
Has she seen the doctor about her depression?
Why don't you just stop subsidising the cannabis usage?
Why isn't she receiving any benefits?

LTB

First of all, close the cannabis bank. Second, talk with her about what is needed for both of your lives and that you need her to step up for her own sake and the families. Depression is terrible and can take time to overcome, but sitting around and smoking like this does isn't helping her short or long term. Sit down and help her apply for jobs, sometimes these things need micro-management to get out of. Think of it like this: potentially for her the doorstep is the Himalayas, the job applications is the hell of rejections and metaphors galore can be taken from there . Depressions are daunting and difficult for everyone involved be it the person themselves and/or family/friends. Often people with depressions need help to reprogram how they view situations and their selves to overcome this. But the only drugs she should be taking are the ones agreed upon with the gps.

Firstly no I don't take recreational drugs, I have regular drug tests at work on account of being a train driver. She doesn't receive benefits because apparently I earn over the threshold for us to receive any help. I have tried to help her into employment, 2 of my good friends run there own company, both of them took her on at desperate times and she lasted 3 days and a week respectively. The money I give her is for shopping and toiletries she might need, but she always buys canibis, and if she doesn't get it for some reason, then the atmosphere is terrible in the house, usually ending up with me sleeping in the spare room. She is receiving treatment for depression, but I can't see that it's making any difference. I'm nearing the point of leaving it all behind, but the guilt of leaving the kids, whose dad doesn't even send them birthday cards let alone contribute or even visit, is what is keeping me here right now

Cheers
T

Would the kids go with you? Living with a drug addict can't be great for them.

@yogiyoni. Brian?

Only thing i think you could do is stop the money, but that might not help.

I honestly can't see what you can do, it's all up to her to sort out.

Does she have close family? Parents, siblings? Have you tried talking to them?

This is not a relationship. Just end it before she makes you as depressed as she is.

She can't really get an effective treatment for depression while she's addicted to cannabis, it is putting a plaster on things.

You're enabling her behaviour. If you want things to improve think about what's important to you and what you want the outcome to be, make some decisions and tell her how you're feeling about her behaviour.

Would she go to counselling, either for her depression/drug dependency or would you both go as a couple? In my experience couples counselling is very good for clearing the air and communicating in a productive way.

Firstly as far as the kids go, they r just about to head off to university which I am funding. They arnt stupid they can see what's going on and they r begging me to stay and try and sort it out. It's just how many times do u try before calling it a day? That's where I feel I am right now! I'm all for counselling, it really helped me when a young girl jumped in front of my train, she more or less died in my arms, it was truly horrific. But I just can't see my partner going for it, as she truly believes there isn't a problem. I've tried mentioning it to her family but it's like banging my head against a brick wall. I feel at this point my options r almost zero, kinda hoping for a miracle I guess

Cheers
T

I'd leave she's not doing anything to help herself. Cannabis can cause mood disorders. Your too young to be left with all that baggage for life.

You should leave. It might be the wake up she needs. You have a right to live your life too. She isn't doing anything to hold on to you. Does she care that your life is awful? Self preservation is what's needed here. You sound like a great support to the kids.

I'm coming round to that way of thinking, but I'm scared she will do somthin stupid if I walk out, she has threatened to in the past

Thanks
T

Arousingcheer is right you are enabling her. And depression can't be treated when abusing substances.

Well the advice is overwhelming, I guess I'm outta here. Pretty scary the thought of being alone

Thanks
T

I would give her some time to sort something out and then I'd leave. And ib of I'd stop her money.

Children, well, they aren't even children anymore if they are off to University soon.
You can stay in touch with them.

Think what kind of relationship you want with the children, and be clear about it to them - even the older one will feel a bit at sea without you there, but if you are honest with them its best ie if you promise ongoing support or relationship, make sure it is something you can commit to, even if your circumstances change.

OP no one is suggesting you keep doing the same things the same way before you call it a day but effective communication will help put everyone on the same page. You're in a codependent relationship. I suspect you don't communicate well with each other.

If you think you've gone far enough down this road and you want to leave, you should leave. If you want to tell her first in an effective way what you want and what your limits are, then counselling will help you do that. If you are finished with your relationship then it won't change that. I found it very helpful for tying things up at the end of my relationship so I could end it feeling I'd said what I needed to say. It's your choice.

If you plan to have contact with her children you will almost certainly not be able to avoid her entirely; the better your boundaries are and the stronger the foundation for how you will go forward, the better. No matter what you do I suggest you get in touch with Al-Anon, which would almost certainly be helpful for her children too.

Thanks for all the advice ladies, I just felt I had no one to let of steam to, u have really crystallised what I knew I should do in my mind. Please don't hesitate to ask me anything that I'm able to help with

Thanks
T

I just wanted to say you sound lovely and what a horrible situation for you.
My DH had depression and it was hard on all of us, BUT he was still a good person, communicated with me, wanted our relationship to keep going and got help and made sure he kept getting help until he was sorted.
I do think people with depression should get concessions, but it comes to a point they've still got to take some responsibility. (Unless they have a very serious mental illness where they don't have the capacity to).
If she's unwilling to change then it's difficult to think of an alternative for you than to leave. You can't let this destroy your life too.