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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH bertrayal with online sexting... again - WWUD?

28 replies

yogagirl22 · 02/10/2017 12:13

Thanks to all that read this, hopefully I will get some much needed advice.
Me and DH separated a few years back due to his secret online porn addiction. So as not to drip feed he was using apps/sexting/ sites for a period of three years until I found out. Subsequently we separated and I even filed for divorce. I was gaslighted during this time and his constant denial even though I had hard evidence was as bad as the online seedy stuff he claimed to be addicted to.
Cut a long story short - I really missed him and when he moved out he continued to pay bills/ mortgage and after six months of him living in a bedsit we reunited with an assurance from him that he was done with it and had overcome his addiction.
I wanted a new start (I had a severe mental health breakdown due to this and other stress) and as we were running two households when seperated also had £10,000 debt which we could pay off if we moved.
After a very stressful year which included the breakdown of my BF marriage, a stressful job and a 'friend' who lodged with us as he was made homeless and then wrecked my house - we finally moved.
Unfortunately I have had long term health problems and despite being in remission phase had another major ME relapse. I had to leave my job - which I loved even though stressful and am now in the support group for ESA.
My DH been acting a bit weird last few days - intuition I guess been married for 11 years. So this morning rightly or wrongly but given his history I broke into fb account and it started up again. The sexting with scrubby women and a picture of him in the toilets at his work in an aroused state with seedy dialogue.
I am shocked and disgusted and although I love him very much as someone in their mid forties in poor health with no job and a 19 year old still at home, am at a lost what to do next. I have confided in my lovely friend, who saw how ill I become before. I have a small amount of savings and my health is improving so I may be able to go back to work part time in the next few six months? can people change? Just to say in every other regard he is a good husband - I am very confused and hurt. I hope some of you can take the time to respond so I can maybe take a step back from the dreadful emotions of this latest betrayal.

OP posts:
splendidisolation · 02/10/2017 12:20

You know what ypu need to do

abbsisspartacus · 02/10/2017 12:22

Grab your sanity and leave

KarateKitten · 02/10/2017 12:25

I agree, your sanity and self worth and pride are worth much more than this asshole.

chipsandpeas · 02/10/2017 12:29

leave, hes never gonna stop doing this

trevthecat · 02/10/2017 12:33

You know you need to leave. Sorry your going through this. It's horrible Flowers

SnowiestMountain · 02/10/2017 12:36

Oh OP you need to leave. He's clearly never going to change, he must be pretty addicted to doing it if he's sneaking off to his work toilets and doing that, grim.

SandyY2K · 02/10/2017 12:54

He won't stop doing it, but if you aren't going to leave him, I see little point in mentioning it.

It just makes you appear a bit weak.

Angelf1sh · 02/10/2017 13:02

I really don't see how he's a good husband- he's cheating on you and risking your mental/physical health in the process. Good husbands don't do that shit.

Huskylover1 · 02/10/2017 13:20

I couldn't stay with someone who was behaving like that. Personally, I would confront him with the evidence, and ask him to leave. You need to sit down and work out how all of this would play out financially. Be aware that if you sold your home, you would be awarded more cash than him, if he has a bigger pension pot than you.

TheNaze73 · 02/10/2017 13:24

Leave him. He really doesn't give a fuck about you

swizzlestar · 02/10/2017 13:30

He won't change his behaviour ...... Just try to hide it better.

ShatnersWig · 02/10/2017 13:44

Seriously, you know what you need to do. And you know full well that 99% of us who post on this thread will say you need to leave.

Why would he change now? He didn't last time.

Please wake up, smell the coffee and end this sham of a marriage right now. You'll find in time your mental health will be much improved.

JohnnyMarr · 02/10/2017 13:56

I've been there, right down to the splitting up for 6 months and getting back together. Suffice it so say a leopard never changes it's spots, and we're currently in the midst of divorce proceedings.

I would urge you to clarify your financial position through CAB or a free half hour with a solicitor and rid yourself of him as soon as humanly possible. Hasn't he put you through enough?

Flowers for you.

Original poster
yogagirl22 · 02/10/2017 14:09

Thank you everyone deep down I know I need to leave and am now weighing up my options to do so. I am weak poor physical and mental health has made me very vulnerable I guess I am at a low point and desperate for some answers I feel bitter at wzlking away from everything I have put in. Hard when you middle aged and lonely and cant see a way out. Thanks for good wishes just feel very sad

OP posts:
aftertheevent · 02/10/2017 21:13

Hold on to the fact you won't feel sad forever. Who needs that grime in their lives? You don't. Best wishes.

Bumshkawahwah · 02/10/2017 21:21

I’m so sorry this is happening to you again. As I see it, these are your two choices:

a) stay with him and turn a blind eye to what he is doing.

b) leave

I feel you are looking for option c) you stay together and he changes, and I am as certain as I can be about anything that that is never going to happen. He wasn’t honest with you after the first discovery. He promised he would change but hasn’t. He knows what effect this is having on your pot health yet he is doing it anyway. He’s not going to change. I’m sorry you are in this horrible situation - no one deserves this.

AnyFucker · 02/10/2017 21:23

Can people change ?

He can't, obviously

Original poster
yogagirl22 · 02/10/2017 23:59

Thanks again it means a lot. Confirmation is what I needed to hear and I have now told him I am leaving and have found somewhere to go tomorrow. He has already been on to bank to buy me out of house and admitted that he cant change so that is honest for a change. Hugely scared but need to get away and start over I feel better this time round may even start to feel better and get back to work so I can get truly settled. I can live in the hope that I really tried and none of this is on me. Even his own mother is disgusted at him and already have lots of support. But thanks again for all comments a jolt into reality was what I needed. I feel a loss of identity I lost career six months ago following relapse and now role of wife and with a DS nearly 20 mum too. I need to find a new way to live and am interested how others got lives back on track I guess time lots of time x

OP posts:
springydaffs · 03/10/2017 00:58

I'm so sorry you're facing this Flowers

He's an addict. Addiction isn't really about willpower. He could go to the appropriate 12-step meetings where he'd find ways to conquer his addiction with high level support. I2-step is an amazing programme.

And you could do with going to Al-anon. It's for relatives, or anyone close to, an addict. You'll find a lot there that will be a real solace.

Lipsy21 · 03/10/2017 01:24

Aw I feel so bad for you. What struck a chord with me is your illness. I can relate to that and with an illness you are more vulnerable. You will sometimes put up with more than you should as you feel like nobody else will have you. I can relate. I honestly think when a man does these things and doesn't learn from them they are inherently a cheat. They don't change. I do think sexting other women is cheating.

I worked with men in a male dominant environment and all of them watched porn. As do many women. It's just seen as taboo still these days. I personally don't see porn as cheating. I know everyone is different though with their view on this.

You have to ask yourself if you can stay when you have already been down this road. I know it's so hard. Especially if they are good in the other aspects of the relationship x

Original poster
yogagirl22 · 08/10/2017 00:13

Thanks again. I left on Tuesday am. Got a friend who has spare place to live as trialling living with partner so empty until Christmas. Need to find something permanent but house going up for sale so will see. Just taking it easy atm
I agree about addiction but he still had a choice and I need to get out now for mental and physical health. Funnily enough felt best I felt in years it may be he been keeping me sicker. Loads of people now confessing to me about how he leers at them. The final bits of puzzle the phone calls to prostitutes and then money ftom cash point 10 minutes later which he denyed I have to assume the worst. I have to recover my self esteem as its a form of abuse. Our life together from his perspective literally not worth a wank. I not devasted this time just getting on. Wierd.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 08/10/2017 00:57

Only just found your thread but read from the beginning and it occurred to me within the first few posts that the stress of being with him may well be making you more ill. You sound to me as though you're seeing him and your relationship from the outside looking in now which is probably why you're just getting on with it. Incredibly hard to make the leap and get out though, you've been really brave and strong. You're focusing on exactly the right things now, on rebuilding your life and your self esteem, you should be really proud of yourself Flowers

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 08/10/2017 01:07

Oh dear OP, I’m sorry to hear that he has been using prostitutes too.

Before reading your update, I was going to say that - yes - people can change, but he has proved that he isn’t going to.

I’m glad that you are feeling liberated by the split. Wishing you all the best with your new, wanker free, future Flowers.

Jellyheadbang · 08/10/2017 02:40

What a cunt. I ended my marriage for similar reasons. I also have disabilities, mental health issues and am mid 40s. Life as working single mum is not easy but it's a million times better than being in that relationship.
I'd never ever go back no matter how desperate I got.
Us women and mothers are strong and you can have a life without him.
I struggled at first but was able to get an enabler through local authority when times were really hard and now me and the kids are in a good rhythm.
They still see their dad and ob the whole are happy kids. The relationship made me suicidal, life's too short to accept anything less than the best for you and to be the best role model for your kids x

Jellyheadbang · 08/10/2017 02:42

Just read your update. Good move! So sorry about possible prostitute news, glad you have somewhere to go, good luck x

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