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Original poster

Ended things with bloke - right thing to do?

31 replies

Upyerbum70 · 01/10/2017 21:53

So..I'm 47,he's just turned 51.

I have 2 DDs and he doesn't have any kids. Lives on his own in a Flat nearby. He earns a zillion times more money than me. Has more free time etc as he's a contract worker and can take 3 months off as a time.

I told him today that 'it's not really working for me'. Feels lame and can't really put my finger on it but he's quite measured and reticent and will never say anything nice to me. That's the crux of it. Never a compliment or comment on hair/clothes/achievements. He's kind and generous - buys lots of gig/event tickets and meals but I feel like he's deliberately holding back on emotions. He's tactile - holds hands etc- but not really interested in anything more than that really. Seems to have little desire or passion. So, intimacy is rationed.

Have had several (at least) big chats about his lack of 'anything' in the emotional dept and he just claims 'that's how I am'. He's told previous partners he loved them . Happy to talk about them when pressed.

So - I feel a bit cheated. On the outside it looks like we're doing all the boyfriend / girlfriend things but it's an emotional desert. It's been making me very sad recently. Seriously thinking he could on be on the spectrum - he said he didn't understand me when I said I missed him a bit when I was away on holiday.

We give each other space and have independent lives but when we're together I want to feel like we're together .

He's not texted me back and doesn't seem interested in discussing / fighting for it. Am I just being a knob and asking too much? Feel free to tell me get a life.

Jesus that was long

positives

OP posts:
Hellywelly10 · 01/10/2017 22:00

You did the right thing. Doesn't sound like you're matched on an emotional level. You know what you need.

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 01/10/2017 22:06

Cheers for ploughing through my post.

I've been loved before so I know what it's like to be desired and missed and longed for. But it was a pretty shifty dysfunctional relationship that went tits up. Hence I'm
Not sure if what I'm hoping for is sensible. If that makes sense. But the sadness of it all just got to me today. He has such a lovely family of parents, sibling and nieces and nephews. All lovely folk that are great to be around. I keep thinking i bet they can be express themselves.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 01/10/2017 22:08

How long were you dating?

It doesn't sound like you were into him, so it was sensible to end it.

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 01/10/2017 22:08

Oh it's been 16 months btw

OP posts:
buckeejit · 01/10/2017 22:09

Sounds like you've got everything but the emotional connection, which, tbh is the only thing you need!

Move on & let him know you're happy to meet for a cuppa & talk about it if he thinks that'll help

buckeejit · 01/10/2017 22:10

Ooh, 16 months I think you need yo talk not just text (unless I'm missing something)

WhatsGoingOnEh · 01/10/2017 22:11

16 months and you ended it by text? Hmm Be honest, did you want to end it, or just jolt him into revealing some emotion, even if it was only fuelled by fear?

I think you were jolting him, which is why his lack of reply has pissed you off. In reality, though, his lack of reply is good - you were right, he wasn't that fussed; and now you're free!

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 01/10/2017 22:11

I was into him more... but feel like I'm
Banging my head against the proverbial brink wall and it's exhausted me.

We get on well, have lots in common and love doing different things together but I feel like his plus one sometimes. I'm not expressing myself well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 01/10/2017 22:14

He was supposed to come round yesterday - he appeared after 3pm - calm and casual. Now we only get EOW together so my adult free time is precious. When I asked where he'd been he replied 'in bed'. I said I think you should go home, so he did. Then I sent him a message this morning. Frankly I felt like he couldn't be arsed.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 01/10/2017 22:15

you did the right thing Lady.. 16months and he's still emotionally detached .. be free Lady Flowers

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 01/10/2017 22:19

Buckeejit - I think you summed it up . Have everything but the emotional connection.

I guess the little niggly voice keeps asking if I'm expecting too much. I feel Like a dying plant...he drips a drop of water every now and then but it's simply not enough to Keep me going

OP posts:
sirbedevere · 01/10/2017 22:24

Oh Sad I'm in practically exactly the same position. Ended my 2.5 yr relationship yesterday. Emotional and physical drought but he made me laugh. It's the right thing, and sounds like the right thing for you too. Still sucks Sad

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 01/10/2017 22:26

Oh Sir, sorry.. here's a hug. It's no fun is it.

I just want to shake him. It feels like kicking a puppy.

Hope you're ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 01/10/2017 22:28

Now I feel bad for doing it over a WhatsApp but I didn't really plan it.

I guess I'll ask if he wants to meet up later in the week to discuss. But I'm
Imagining he'll be all confused and simply won't understand what I'm getting at. Which has happened before.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 01/10/2017 22:32

Sounds so tough. But you can't fake it - he's not giving you what you deeply need. I'm sure he's nice in other ways - holds hands, buys tickets - but that means nothing if your emotional connection leaves you feeling starved.

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 01/10/2017 22:49

I feel like a shit now. Like a demanding toddler . Poo. Bit of a shitty mess.

OP posts:
Tictactic · 01/10/2017 22:55

He can't meet your needs and you're right to end it and keep your own self esteem in fact

Tictactic · 01/10/2017 22:56

You need someone emotionally intelligent. He's either not or not willing to give it

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 01/10/2017 23:01

Funnily enough, tictactic, i told him
Today that I felt he was deliberately holding back sometimes. His replied that wasnt true and that it made him feel sad to think that's what I thought. Didn't really address the main issue though. He kinda skipped over that.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 01/10/2017 23:03

I really identify with what you have said. You're right to have done this and you can't do without the bits you have been missing out on.

Josuk · 01/10/2017 23:21

OP - your post doesn’t really read like a demanding toddler, but it is definitely only focused on you.
On what you need and want.
(Say he was in bed that morning - was that because he was tired from the week before? Or not feeling well? Or feeling down somehow?
Was there even a firm plan as to when he was to show up?)

You post also doesn’t mention what his life story is. Or what he is looking for in a relationship and whether you think you have him that.

Clearly - there is a mismatch somewhere. Your have different communication and emotional styles.
And you seem to also need a lot of external confirmation - on looks, etc.

You assume that everyone is like you and it’s self-explanatory. And that absence of that is universally bad and means absence of emotions.
But it’s not like that. And not everybody is like that.
I don’t compliment much, and neither do I care/expect/or even notice compliments.

Mismatched libido - is a different issue, but it’s not clear what drives it and how you approach it as a couple.

Anyway. If you think you still like him and want him around - i’d start talking; but also listening and asking him questions.

It works both ways - he needs to better understand you and vice versa.

Good luck!!!

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 02/10/2017 06:47

Thanks and yes I've had heart to hearts 3 times now... I've sat and listened but he doesn't know what he wants and I feel he's sitting on the fence slightly... not sure what he's waiting for.

I don't need a lot of external validation - im 47 and pretty comfortable with how I look. Sometimes though, justvan acknowledgement that you've had a crap day, or done something special..I know I've listened to him talk about his job and stresses on numerous occasions . I like it when he talks.

I think he maybe suffers from depression but doesn't seem to try and make little changes that could help. We've also discussed this.

Of course I asked if he was unwell after saying he'd been in bed all morning.. he said no.

I know my emotions are pretty close to the surface and I accept that but his seem
So deeply buried that it's impossible to guess what's going on.

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 02/10/2017 06:58

No point flogging a dead horse Op.

He is who he is and you are who you are, you can not expect any different.

Time to call it a day and free yourself up to find someone that has similar emotional blueprints as yourself.

Loopytiles · 02/10/2017 07:21

He is not a "puppy" or pitiable: he was treating you like a "plus one" and didn't and still can't give you the love and support you would like in a relationship. Best cut contact.

TheNaze73 · 02/10/2017 07:26

Everyone is different. To a lot of people he would sound great & low maintenance which is exactly what I like.
You can't put a square peg in a round hole though. You've clearly done the right thing Flowers

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