Ended things with bloke - right thing to do?

[Upyerbum70]

So..I'm 47,he's just turned 51.

I have 2 DDs and he doesn't have any kids. Lives on his own in a Flat nearby. He earns a zillion times more money than me. Has more free time etc as he's a contract worker and can take 3 months off as a time.

I told him today that 'it's not really working for me'. Feels lame and can't really put my finger on it but he's quite measured and reticent and will never say anything nice to me. That's the crux of it. Never a compliment or comment on hair/clothes/achievements. He's kind and generous - buys lots of gig/event tickets and meals but I feel like he's deliberately holding back on emotions. He's tactile - holds hands etc- but not really interested in anything more than that really. Seems to have little desire or passion. So, intimacy is rationed.

Have had several (at least) big chats about his lack of 'anything' in the emotional dept and he just claims 'that's how I am'. He's told previous partners he loved them . Happy to talk about them when pressed.

So - I feel a bit cheated. On the outside it looks like we're doing all the boyfriend / girlfriend things but it's an emotional desert. It's been making me very sad recently. Seriously thinking he could on be on the spectrum - he said he didn't understand me when I said I missed him a bit when I was away on holiday.

We give each other space and have independent lives but when we're together I want to feel like we're together .

He's not texted me back and doesn't seem interested in discussing / fighting for it. Am I just being a knob and asking too much? Feel free to tell me get a life.

Jesus that was long

positives

Like Naze says, to some he would be perfect. Depends what you are looking for. He is clearly not meeting your needs so that's enough to end it if you want to, which it sounds like you have anyway. To be honest if I got told to go home and then got a text ending things I wouldn't reply either.

Doesn't instigate intimacy, doesn't show emotion, doesn't give compliments, get out of bed to see you or even respond when you end things.....he's not really that bothered about you is he. Now you have time to find someone who will be bothered.

He's not your cup of tea, of course you've done the right thing, letting him move on and eventually find someone who likes him more. He doesn't have to be a nasty bastard for you not to want to be with him. How about saying "You're lovely in many ways but I'm looking for something different"? Then both of you leave with your self-respect intact and nice memories of the good moments?

He sounds a bit like my OH, who grew up in a household with no emotion at all, it seems to me.

He CAN show emotion (when his dog was PTS) and knows I have emotions, but can't seem to relate 'me being emotional' with 'him doing something about it'. It's like an emotional disconnect, but it's how he was brought up (he's also on the spectrum, which doesn't help). Because I know about his upbringing and can see why he reacts the way he does to things (he doesn't have the emotional tools to work through feelings, so he just jumps to 'endgame' in any situation) I can understand a bit better why he is so unemotional.
But it is bloody hard to live with, and, having had 'high emotion' relationships before, I find it odd. But strangely restful, actually.

You do what's right for you. He's not going to change, so it's either something you can live with (if you understand where it's coming from) or not. But the lack of intimacy might just be the nail in the coffin...

I have tried...its very sad as I really enjoy the things we do...but the hole where the emotional content should be is empty. I've tried to ignore and crack on with daily life but starting new career right now and I guess the need for some (any) emotional
Input became too big to ignore any more.

I absolutely don't want to look for anyone else. In lots of ways we suited each other. You can't change folk though... and the gap between us was getting too big to bridge any more.

And yes, no intimacy was a killer.

Some people can't connect emotionally and it only works if you are similar, otherwise it's absolutely draining.

It's reasonable to expect compliments and feeling like he cares..especially if 16months as it will only get worse.

You did the right thing as its best to be alone rather than lonely in a relationship.