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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trickle Truth

56 replies

user21 · 01/10/2017 17:33

Post Affair.
How long is it acceptable to tolerate this?

He has worked so hard for reconciliation. But still new details/lies are being revealed.

It's tough and I don't know how much more I can take.

OP posts:
bluit · 02/10/2017 09:43

Surely lying is a way of life for him, a two year affair is a thousand lies.

You will never get the whole truth, only his watered down, self serving, version of it.

InThisTogether · 02/10/2017 10:09

I'm sorry OP, you are admirable and brave for trying but honestly, in your heart of hearts, you're never going to feel like he's told you everything (even if he does).
Time to cut your losses - you deserve better x x

InThisTogether · 02/10/2017 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InThisTogether · 02/10/2017 10:09

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InThisTogether · 02/10/2017 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Myheartbelongsto · 02/10/2017 14:02

You'll never know the full truth.

Original poster
user21 · 02/10/2017 15:39

You're all right of course Sad that I will never know if I have the whole truth.

My options therefore are to accept that and continue with my marriage based on how my life is post affair
Or
End the marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
user21 · 02/10/2017 15:47

Thanks you for making me realise I will never know the full truth. It was all I could focus on and has been quite a revelation to me. I will look at his timeline but know that I need to accept that fact and make a decision about my future.
My head is clearer now 💐

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2017 15:55

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
user21 · 02/10/2017 16:15

Thanks MrsTP

I'm still going to let him do his timeline.
I realise it may not be the full truth but there may be something in there that I know is a deal breaker for me and could make my decision easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
user21 · 02/10/2017 16:30

I would also like to add that he isn't still lying to me a year on. I asked this question about the affair a few months after discovery and he lied and it's not been mentioned again until this weekend when I asked again and he told me the truth.
It's a historical lie if that makes sense

OP posts:
lollipop7 · 03/10/2017 07:29

Did you speak last night then OP?

Hope you're ok 💐

SandyY2K · 03/10/2017 07:42

I echo that sometimes you will never know the whole truth ... but what might be helpful is him realising the damage that trickle truth does to a relationship.

If he's committed to the marriage and rebuilding trust, direct him to
www.survivinginfidelity.com

Nobody will be rude or judgemental towards him.... He can check out the wayward forum and if he reads around the 'reconciliation' forum on the site, he'll get an idea of the impact of TT.

His actions are typical of cheaters ... the reasons he gives are the same too.

I know it's devastating... but make now the time that you ask questions you're unsure of and assure him that if he isn't truthful and you find out... that will be thr end.

The timeline is a good idea.

Original poster
user21 · 03/10/2017 15:55

We did speak and I'm ok thanks 💐

OP posts:
lollipop7 · 03/10/2017 20:51

All the best hope you can go forward and be happy.

Original poster
user21 · 04/10/2017 08:14

It's so hard to make the decision to leave when day to day we're so happy together and have a good life.
We laugh, we have a good sex life and enjoy each other's company.

OP posts:
lollipop7 · 04/10/2017 08:53

You. We'd to decide for yourself what you can life with, forget and move on from.

I don't think I could ever stay with someone who'd had an affair and I would never trust them again so,it wouldn't be a good or a happy life for me. It's not alway that clear cut though and nobody can tell you what to,do just advise you.

How did your discussion with him pan out yesterday?

magoria · 04/10/2017 10:29

He didn't lie to protect you. He had already hurt you and damaged your relationship massively.

He lied to protect his own arse. Because it suited him to still deceive you. Which he has continued to do over this little thing for the last year when he was supposed to be being honest and proving he was trustworthy.

Kualabear · 04/10/2017 17:46

Not sure all the detail is actually helpful. Try treating the affair as a package, one that he has to own and live with. If you can't get past ' what were you doing the afternoon of Tuesday 6th' (which is ok if it matters to you, you get to decide) then you are doomed. If you can live with the package, great and good luck in the future. If you can't, it will unravel. Very hard to do but it can work.

Original poster
user21 · 04/10/2017 22:31

It's not a detailed timeline with specific dates kualabear

The discussion last night revealed something he had lied about. I would never have found this out if he hadn't confessed.
I had no inkling at all.

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 05/10/2017 09:38

Crikey so there's yet more stuff coming out. How do you feel about that, do you think you can move past it, I mean this is something he's kept from you for like a year isn't it?

Original poster
user21 · 05/10/2017 16:30

Yes cake, and no, I'm not sure I can.

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 05/10/2017 20:02

Op, please stop tying youself in knots trying to make sense of this. The simple fact is he is a liar and not worthy of you. He sounds like a truly cunning pathetic specimen of a man and will almost certainly cheat again. Let him go and get yourself a wonderful life without this headfuckFlowers

NoCanoe · 06/10/2017 01:30

He's a liar and a cheater . Get your head around that and work from there. Only you know what you can work with and tolerate.
My husband - so far as I know- hasn't cheated. But the stupid effing lies I've caught him out on, when be has no reason to lie, makes me suspicious and doubtful. It has affected our relationship. And thats just minor stuff. I don't tolerate lies very well, but we all different.

Original poster
user21 · 06/10/2017 15:15

I know. I know
It's just hard to let go Sad

OP posts:
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