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Original poster

Boyfriend and message to ex. AIBU?

51 replies

Gertrudesings · 01/10/2017 16:06

My BF of 2 years left his FB open on my phone. We are both completely open with our social media and I have trusted him but always been a bit Confused about his attitude to his exes. His friends are mainly his exes, which I have been fine with but they, and him, have tried to make me start a friendship with them. And they are all friends (3 of them) too Hmm. I am totally not interested in that. We are a bunch of 30 something's and I don't have anything in common with them. They are all child free and single and I have a FT job and 3 DC's so in my free time the last thing I want to do is hang out with my bf harem of ex girlfriends thanks Grin

His main ex, who he was with for years, tried to befriend me at the start but I gave her short shrift. I think it's weird.

So, a message thread keeps popping up on my messenger from his most recent ex, this one he was with for less than a year. When we got together this ex wasn't very nice to me (said some awful stuff about my mental health because she had info on some childhood trauma I've experienced ) and deleted my boyfriend in a flounce. But obviously got over this and recently they are friends again.

So in this message she said 'I'm having a get together. You are welcome to bring Gertrude and her DC's. Other Ex will be there too' and my boyfriend messaged back:

'Thanks for the invite but don't think Gert would be up for that. Some people aren't good with ex's. You know how it is.'

AIBU to be a bit fucked off with his response. He is free to have whatever relationship he wants with his friends but the way I read it, it's making out that I'm BU to not want to go have a cosy afternoon with my DC's and them.

I haven't said anything to him about it but would you be Hmm too? Or am I overthinking it? I do have a propensity to do that.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 01/10/2017 16:10

So is he going without you or using you as an excuse not to go?

Gizlotsmum · 01/10/2017 16:10

He only told the truth didn’t he? You wouldn’t be up for going to her get together and you don’t want anything to do with any of his ex’s.

Gemini69 · 01/10/2017 16:10

Yes I'd be fucked off too ... he's isolating you in the messages as they're all on one Team.. and your on Team Gert... and you're the bore.. fuck that... he's a TWAT

Trills · 01/10/2017 16:11

It's not very brave or kind, but sometimes it is easier to say "my girlfriend wouldn't like that" than to say "I wouldn't like that". Because then you don't have to explain why.

EllaHen · 01/10/2017 16:12

I think his response was very measured.

You have made it clear that you have an issue with these women because they are his exes.

What would you prefer he say/do?

Trills · 01/10/2017 16:12

Unless you have reason to think otherwise, I'd assume that he doesn't want to meet up, and is using you as an excuse.

Original poster
Gertrudesings · 01/10/2017 16:12

He did tell the truth but it was the 'Some people aren't good with ex's. You know how it is' line. He could have just said 'I don't think Gert would be up for that' why go in to explain why?

He hasn't given her an answer about whether he's going or not.

OP posts:
Santawontbelong · 01/10/2017 16:14

How much effort does he give to your relationship as opossed to these 'friendships'? Is he someone who needs his ego constantly stroked and needs them in his life for this reason? Not being disrespectful to friendships with the opposite sex but he seems hell bent on having lots of exes around regardless of your feelings.

Original poster
Gertrudesings · 01/10/2017 16:15

I don't have an issue with him being friends with his exes. He can and does maintain his own friendship with them and it's not my job to police that.

It's the way I'm expected to go along with 'let's all be friends' with all 3 of them. I think it's an unreasonable expectation on me.

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 01/10/2017 16:31

But he isn't expecting you to go along and be best friends is he? He responded in a truthful way. You're not cool with it, some people are some people arent.

Original poster
Gertrudesings · 01/10/2017 16:33

No, he isn't. Okay, AIBU. I'll shelve my annoyance. I need to keep working on that old insecurity it seems.

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 01/10/2017 16:36

Can't see the problem really? You've made it clear that you don't want to hang around with exes, he respected that and turned down the invite.

It wasn't about him it was about you, otherwise he'd probably go I imagine?

Jedimum1 · 01/10/2017 16:48

He was having meet togethers before with his other gf, since you are with him, he doesn't. It's clear that it's because you don't like it. I think he responded well, to be honest, because he's saying that you don't like it, that it's not weird because some people don't like it, and that she shouldn't put pressure on that because she knows how it is, as in "it would create problems in the relationship that I don't want, so just leave it". I think he replied well.

I also think it's about your insecurities. They are exes for a reason, because it didn't work out as a couple. You can learn a lot about your bf if you could get over that. I rather he went with me than forcing him to go alone if he wants to remain friends, especially since you are being invited

newjobblewobble · 01/10/2017 16:56

I think that response was actually fine. He was honest and set the scene. She'll not invite you again, and that's what you want isn't it?

Gorgosparta · 01/10/2017 17:01

It was a factually correct statement.

You clearly do have a problem with his exs. One tried to be nice and you gave her 'short shrift'. You also refer to them as his harem, which is quite sneery. To them and him.

I know loads of people who are friends with their exs. Its not really common but not hugely unusual either.

I think you really need to consider wether this relationship is right for you and wether you can accept his friendships, long term.

Aussiebean · 01/10/2017 17:04

I think it is good that the exs want to include you. Means they aren't hiding anything and are supportive of you and him being together.

I think you are actually being negative about him being friends with them and he was truthful without dissing you. You are actually the one putting him in an awkward position.

My dh is friends with a lot of his exes. They have mostly reached out to me and we are friendly. Those that haven't have slowly let go of the friendship with my dh. But he is fine with that as friendships come and go.

Original poster
Gertrudesings · 01/10/2017 17:19

I don't mean to be sneery, but the most recent one, because she was an outright shit at the start of our relationship and told my boyfriend not to get involved because of my past, I don't trust her. She told him I have a personality disorder ffs.

I don't know why I have this uneasiness about them. I just do. Something in my gut I suppose. I'm glad he has spelt it out now anyway. I have never stood in the way of him being friends with them, nor has he interfered with my friendships. I have accepted it and will put these thoughts aside now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gertrudesings · 01/10/2017 17:24

I'm not putting him an awkward position btw. I have vented much more freely on here than I would to him.

He's picked up that I don't want to be included in their friendship group because I always declined stuff that they invited me along to so I've been clear I'm not interested. I voiced at the time that I was unimpressed with the one who said I had a major mental health issue but otherwise I have said nothing.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 01/10/2017 17:32

Yes your are bu but you get that now so its all good.

WheresMyTaco · 01/10/2017 17:39

His text made you sound unreasonable and I don't think you have been.

I also don't see why you have to be friends with them when the only thing you have in common is that you've all shagged your boyfriend.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 01/10/2017 17:47

You were maybe being a bit U but you have accepted that now. I am in touch with several exes but I would find it a bit weird if they invited me to something, along with my DP and any children he had. It would almost be as if they wanted to swap notes .... and I'd be very unhappy too with the mental health comments from the other ex!!

strongasmeringue · 01/10/2017 17:53

I think it was a bit off tbh.

TheNaze73 · 01/10/2017 18:04

Yes YABU

Gemini69 · 01/10/2017 18:29

how many ladies on here are best friends with all their DH/DF/Fiancee's
exes ?

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 01/10/2017 18:48

gemini he's not asking her to be best friends though. She got with him knowing he is still friends with the exes.

gertrude maybe she wasn't being malicious with saying you have a personality disorder she could have genuinely been concerned and wanted to give him a heads up.