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Original poster

Boyfriend and message to ex. AIBU?

51 replies

Gertrudesings · 01/10/2017 16:06

My BF of 2 years left his FB open on my phone. We are both completely open with our social media and I have trusted him but always been a bit Confused about his attitude to his exes. His friends are mainly his exes, which I have been fine with but they, and him, have tried to make me start a friendship with them. And they are all friends (3 of them) too Hmm. I am totally not interested in that. We are a bunch of 30 something's and I don't have anything in common with them. They are all child free and single and I have a FT job and 3 DC's so in my free time the last thing I want to do is hang out with my bf harem of ex girlfriends thanks Grin

His main ex, who he was with for years, tried to befriend me at the start but I gave her short shrift. I think it's weird.

So, a message thread keeps popping up on my messenger from his most recent ex, this one he was with for less than a year. When we got together this ex wasn't very nice to me (said some awful stuff about my mental health because she had info on some childhood trauma I've experienced ) and deleted my boyfriend in a flounce. But obviously got over this and recently they are friends again.

So in this message she said 'I'm having a get together. You are welcome to bring Gertrude and her DC's. Other Ex will be there too' and my boyfriend messaged back:

'Thanks for the invite but don't think Gert would be up for that. Some people aren't good with ex's. You know how it is.'

AIBU to be a bit fucked off with his response. He is free to have whatever relationship he wants with his friends but the way I read it, it's making out that I'm BU to not want to go have a cosy afternoon with my DC's and them.

I haven't said anything to him about it but would you be Hmm too? Or am I overthinking it? I do have a propensity to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gertrudesings · 01/10/2017 19:16

Kung Fu - she definitely was being malicious. She is in no way trained or works in MH in any capacity. She took a piece of information given to her by my violent ex H about me being abused as a child and ran with it. I saw the exchange, she wasn't concerned she just didn't want us to start a relationship.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/10/2017 19:29

His message was factual... however I wound have no desire to be with a guy who had all his Exes hanging around. I just wouldn't be part of it... so I understand how you feel.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 01/10/2017 20:29

I wouldn't date someone who hung out with all his ex's either, to be honest. Each to their own, of course, but it's certainly not something I would be comfortable with.

However, if you are happy with them all being friends, then I think his answer is fine. He told them the truth. You're not happy to hang out with them all - what else was he supposed to say?

WheresMyTaco · 01/10/2017 20:38

Op why is he friends with her as she sounds like a nasty piece of work using your abuse against you?

Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 01/10/2017 20:41

You were NOT bu! Omg, I think you have been very understanding and accepting of his friendships, he needs to afford you the same respect.

Original poster
Gertrudesings · 01/10/2017 20:42

Who knows Taco I don't trust why she is persisting with the invitations tbh. Like I said gut feeling.

It felt like he was saying that because the three of them are cool with hanging out together I'm BU because I won't engage with it. Like I said though, I overthought it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gertrudesings · 01/10/2017 20:45

Also, and this probably says more about me and the choices I have made, but the thought of having 4 of my exes at a gathering I was at would have me screaming for the hills Grin to be fair to him, he didn't agree to that.

OP posts:
HackneyP · 01/10/2017 20:46

I don't think his message is anything untoward or anything to be annoyed about. His general attitude to his ex partners and the fact that his friendship circle is made up entirely of them is bonkers however and not something I could tolerate.

PhelanGood · 01/10/2017 21:04

I can sympathise - aside from her warning him against you on no basis, which suggests she may be a little jealous or negative, I wouldn't be comfortable being with a guy who was still close friends with his exes. When single I didn't even date men with kids as a rule, partly because I'd feel uncomfortable even with them having to have such regular close contact with their exes. If it happened that the man I loved was still friendly with his exes I'd probably try and befriend them though... Keep your friends close.. 😉

I don't like the way your man worded his message. 'she isn't good with exes. You know how it is'. There was no need to bring you into it at all if he was truly loyal, or he could have said more realistically. And sympathetically 'she understandably isn't that comfortable being around my exes'.

'not good' suggests you have some real problem with them. 'you know how it is' suggests he's possibly even been talking behind your back about the matter which is completely unfair to you as you seem cool with them all being mates.

I know what I'm talking about here as I've been in his position and always stayed respectful and loyal in my wording! But maybe he's just not that good with words - you know how it is. 😉

mummwest · 01/10/2017 21:21

I'd be annoyed that he said "some people aren't good with exes, you know how it is"....as the main reason people aren't good with exes is because of jealousy or insecurity. I'd be fuming because i'd think she might think that, if it were me i'd rather he said no she won't be up for it because she doesn't like you Grin

Jessie1980 · 01/10/2017 21:21

IMO ex's are ex's for a reason, to be still be socialising with them and friends with them is not normal. Never mind getting your new Gf to become friends with them?!

Aspergallus · 01/10/2017 21:27

I have an ex BF like this -has a bunch of exes in a little harem. Fancies himself as Simon Cowell or something. When we ended, he was so invested in maintaining a relationship (adding me to the harem) it was ridiculous. I had to explain repeatedly and increasingly angrily that I had no interest, having learned through the course of the relationship what a twat he was/is.

CatsOclock · 01/10/2017 21:43

If I was in this situation (which I'm not, obviously), I would expect my dp to speak to me about the invitation before replying to it. We would probably also agree together how to reply. (This isn't the case with every email, but would be for a joint invitation.)

I would probably be annoyed if he answered for me without discussion. I might also be annoyed if he was dealing with any invitations from his exes, without including me, even if I wasn't invited. Whilst it's important for us all to have our own relationships, I don't think it's wise to allow an ex to effectively come between you. This works both ways as I recently heard from an ex of mine who suggested we meet up and I discussed it fully with my dp before replying. (He was fine about it.)

We've talked about this sort of thing over the years. Even if one of us gets a verbal invitation from family, we have an agreement that we will discuss it first before accepting/declining. Anyway, this is just how we do it - it's respectful and it works for us.

Original poster
Gertrudesings · 01/10/2017 21:43

I have met them very briefly at the start of the relationship.

I don't want to be around them for a couple of reasons. 1. because I don't feel comfortable, they are a very particular kind of woman (very similar people) and I don't get that kind of person and 2. when I met them they all made brought up individually how weird it was that my bf had got with someone who has DC's because my bf didn't want kids.

This was the first time I met them and I felt under fire tbh. Like wtaf do I care whether he wanted kids or not? I've got them, he knew I had them, they have a dad who they see regularly.

OP posts:
Straycatblue · 01/10/2017 21:47

I think most people are missing the point, its not that hes friends with and hangs out with all his exes in a group which is albeit a little weird and Simon Cowell like.

Its the fact that hes remained friends with a woman who has treated his current partner very maliciously by using information about her mental health and childhood abuse to discredit her.

If he had any loyalty to his current partner he would have declined the exe's fb friend re request and also told her that they wouldnt be attending the get together because of her appalling behaviour.

His actual response lays the blame on OP and implies that she is unreasonable for not wanting to spend time with someone who has treated her very badly and shows that he is neither loyal or standing with his current partner as a team.

By remaining friends with this woman he is telling the world with his actions that he has no issue with her bad treatment of his current partner the OP

Jedimum1 · 02/10/2017 11:17

I'm assuming these women have remained friends. If I were to start a relationship and my friend /exbf knew that my new relationship had mental health issues in the past, I'd expect him to mention it to me, as a friend, because he cares. That said, once the relationship flourishes and it's clear that the MH past is not an issue for out relationship, I'd move on and tell him that it's ok and I understood his worries but not a problem. Why would this woman be a bitch just because she warned OP's bf about her MH past? Neither of them knew OP well enough at that point, I think, and she was just warning him in case it was relevant or there were any red flags. At the start of a relationship, I think it's pretty normal. If it were now, and trying to make a dent, not.

I don't think OP's bf needed to consult with OP. I think in this case, he has understood that she doesn't want to meet and bringing up every invitation is only going to create tensions. He refused, made it clear that it's not OP's thing and potentially stopped other invites. If she had said at some point that she's willing to still go to these meetings, then I understand he could have asked, but OP has made it clear is not her thing and I don't see why he would need to check before replying, it would only put pressure on OP or make her feel as if she were always declining, if he makes her decide every time they are invited. A quick reply like he did was going to be better than "I'll check and get back to you" followed by a no, which would be clearly understood as OP vetting it. like this, it's just him saying she does not like it and therefore he's deciding not to.

Original poster
Gertrudesings · 02/10/2017 12:20

Jedi erm but I haven't got any MH issues? And I hadn't had in the past as far as she knew. She quack diagnosed me because I was sexually abused as a child and I was in a domestic violence relationship and from that she deduced that I 'sound like I have a personality disorder'. I don't and I never have had.

And funnily enough I'm a HCP with training in MH whereas she isn't.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 02/10/2017 12:25

Are there any other blokes involved in this friendship group or is it just your bf and his exes? If it's a broader group with other people I'd be more interested in being sociable and going along. If the social group is made up if your bf and these women then that's a bit odd.

LesisMiserable · 02/10/2017 15:19

Anyway looks like you wont be getting more invites, so, problem solved?

MrsXx4 · 02/10/2017 16:05

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, I think he has been hurtful towards you and made you out to be a problem in your relationship instead of being supportive of your decision not to be friends with his ex's. I wouldn't be interested in being friends with my husbands ex's either.

Whether or not there are more people involved in this social circle i.e. not just the ex girlfriends, he shouldn't have said 'some people aren't good with ex's'....you shouldn't be just 'some people' to him, it lacks feeling, its like he has shrugged you off and made you out to be hard work. I totally get why you are pee'd off!

fizzthecat1 · 02/10/2017 16:54

OP YANBU. I wouldn't be happy with my DP seeing any ex or speaking to them so you're more reasonable than most women!

Loopytiles · 02/10/2017 16:58

His text was disloyal to you IMO, perhaps to save face with his ex.

Seeing ex's regularly is odd IMO unless there are lots of mutual friends or something, or he has loads and loads of friends generally.

An ex bf of mine had lots of ex's as "friends" and, I later found out. , sometimes shagged them! Charming!

HoHoHoHo · 02/10/2017 17:13

I think your DP was a bit disloyal. I’d be angry if DP shared things with his ex which made me look insecure, whether or not they were true.

beesandknees · 02/10/2017 17:31

I am friends with my DP's most recent serious ex - I met her through him. She is a lovely person. It's not an issue. I am also a friendly acquaintance of a couple of other girls that he was involved with / slept with in the past. So, it's clear that I don't have an issue with exes as friends in general.

With that lens, your situation sounds to me as if the real problem, is not that your uncomfortable with exes. It is actually that your DP seems friendly/simpatico with people that ring alarm bells for you.

And, therefore, when he sends a message to one of them that sounds as if he's throwing you under the bus a little bit, you feel betrayed and sort of left out in the cold.

I don't blame you really. If my DP had friends who seemed "off" to me, and then he didn't go out of his way to speak well of me to them / protect me from their judgement, I'd feel... weird.

I'd also look at my DP differently, as I'd think, hmm these women aren't my kind of people, and yet my DP wants to be friends with them, almost at my expense in a way. Does this say something about DP that I'd rather not face up to? You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep etc.

I'd not be asking him to change - people don't, after all - but I'd pull back a little and start asking myself some pointed questions tbh.

midnightmisssuki · 02/10/2017 21:32

YABU I'm afraid. He was just telling the truth. Some people can get on with their partners ex's and some can't. You can't and that's ok. I don't see anything wrong with how he replied - be careful he doesn't think you might be jealous of the ex's with the way you potray yourself towards them (though I'm not saying you are).