Should i give my DH sex on demand?

[ShiftShaper]

since having my dcs i have no sex drive whatsoever. i love my husband dearly and find him very attractive but sex is just not on my list of priorities anymore. the kids are now 3 and 4 and my libido is nowhere to be seen, which doesn't bother me one bit, although maybe it ought to.
i really feel for my DH, he is as sexual as ever and while he patiently waits for me to be in the mood, he could be waiting til doomsday...
my question is, should i have sex with DH to let him get his kicks even though i am not interested in an orgasm? i love the closeness and he loves the affection and he gets his oats too.
is this a really weird arrangement to come to?

I think the more you do it the more you'll want it but having said that dh complains he's sex starved. I'm fine though

If you don't mind, and won't end up resentful or feeling used, then of course it's not weird. And you never know, you might end up getting into the mood along the way. Lack of libido is often a case of simply getting out of the habit, and sometimes the less sex you have, the less you want - so maybe you'll find the reverse true, too!

If you're happy with doing that, then fine.
All relationships are different.
You are getting sometihing from it and so is he.
Maybe given time your libido will return.

aww u poor thing, i really think u should try and get in the mood, do u have lots of 4play? coz sometimes if im not in the mood and dh really is then i go along with it coz i know that even thopugh its the last thing on my mind at that present moment i know if he presses the right buttons (and i make sure he does) then im ready and rearing to go lol, maybe u could try a sex toy, that will deffo inject a bit of excitment, i know ur reading my post and thinking "but im not interested, and i dont WANT to be interested" but why not give it a try, u might be suprised. xx

thanks for your quick replies, i half expected to be criticised for being a fifties housewife but am glad that others can see where i am coming from!
and i agree that not having sex makes you want less, so i may inadvertantly be improving things by doing it, wahay!!

oh, kerrymum, we have had sex in the last three years!!!!
i would say on average we have sex once a fortnight but it has gone to about once a month recently. my poor dh wld have exploded after 3 yrs i'm sure!!

Giving your dh sex 'on demand' sounds a bit more extreme than your actual post, which implies maybe giving it a go for the closeness and the affection.

I do agree that you may well get your horn back if you get back in the saddle - the more you do it, the more you might like it. But doesn't mean you need to do it all on his terms - it needn't be a sacrifice thing, if it's closeness you need, then there's lots you could do which might help you both rediscover sex gradually - talk about it lots, plan time together... i feel dangerously like i'm now straying into the realm of those 70's joy of sex books with the line drawings of the hairy man, so i'll stop now.

boco, i just LOVE that man's beard and the lady's hairy armpits don't you?!
i think that something like erotic literature or soft-soft porn films may be the way to go. and i hear the rampant rabbit is very good...
and sorry for the misleading thread title,i was trying to be concise but overdid it!

ohhhhh believe me, the rampant rabbit is VERY good...too good lol

i don't know, but i just showed dh this thread and he wants to take me shopping for all of the above items, he's going for belt and braces to "help stella get her groove back"!
i s'pose that the very fact that we have been able to talk about this openly, if slightly emtionally at times, is a big help. better than suffering in silence i guess!

will do kerrymum, i wonder if rabbits are that good, i remember charlotte in SATC getting addicted to hers!

hooray - found myself getting very excited for you then (not sexually excited)

definitely not a wierd arrangement. in fact, for many women in the pre-Cosmopolitan era it was THE arrangement, and it worked very well.

But you might want to 'experiment' with what gets you in the mood. It is quite likely to be something emotional and/or slow-burn rather than physical - something in your own mind. And what's great about that is a) it's completely private so it can be anything and anyone and b)you don't have to teach him how to do it, knowing full well he will never do it quite as well as you do

Hi you've had some really great advice here - and I too initally thought you hadn't had sex in 3 years and thought eeep!

You might want to think about "scheduling" sex - either a date night (not a big fan of that term) or even pop it into your mental diary - i.e. "7AM april 12 - jump DH's bones."

(note if you go with a regular date, you might want to drop some hints that some romance would be appreciated)

This might help you feel more "in control", rather than doing something to please your husband - which might make you more interested in it!

On a more serious note, while what you've described about your sex drive and frequency does not sound really unusual (down the tail end of the normal range admittedly), if you or DH think theres a problem, you might want to think about what has caused your loss of libido e.g.

Tiredness
The endless grabbiness of small children
Unhappiness with your bodyshape (though your husband thinks you're beautiful I bet!)
Identity issues - having difficulty switching from mum to wife
etc.

While some of these will simply pass in time, others can be 'worked on'

In any case big hand to you and your DH for talking about it! It can be hard - but as you have seen, it can make it simply something for the two of you to work though.

Good luck!

Theselfishmand dishes out good advice.
I too felt a bit ike this after dd was born and ended up sdoing a date night kind of thing because I still had the same feelings for my dp as I always had just no libido.

DP was not keen at first but it was like going back to school after the holidays once you did it, it was fine.

It is great you can talk so openly about these things hope you are having a good night

yes, you should definately have sex even if you're not in the mood.

I am currently having an affair with a bloke who loves his girlfriend but she hasn't had sex with him for 18mths (cos she's lost her libido and isn't interested). He's been waiting and waiting and waiting for it to come back and now he's just decided it's easier to get it elsewhere (with me!) or he'll explode.

(I'm in same situation but reversed ie: hubby has no libido)

We've both said that if our partners could have just had sex with us just to keep us happy even once a month we would not be sleeping withe each other.

at last post!

Anyway, with ref to OP - not "on demand" as such, but the more you have sex, the more you'll find your libido will rise.
I cant remember all the scientific terms but its true. I went through a stage of not feeling bothered after having dd but the more we got down to it, the more I wanted to iyswim

Good luck.

I have a rabbit, best 40 quid I've ever spent! If it could give cuddles and pillow talk after I think DP would be completely redundant! I also agree with "the more you do it the more you want it" idea

xenabelly buy a rabbit if you need it so bad, and start talking with your hubby! I'm sure you can't fix anything while having an affair!

some sound advice for us ladies lol!!! i definitely cant be arsed. and the worst time for me is when we get into bed at night - im just too knackered from a day of running around after a toddler!!! middle of the night (3-4am), first thing when alarm goes off or middle of afternoon (not much chance of that happening) are the best times for me. but i now that although i dont fancy it dh presses the right buttons and im glad he started pressing lol!!!

once in a while i will put cnadles around the front room and we camp out drinking champagne and talking which is good to relax and for xmas i bought him monogamy whaich while its a bit of faffing around if you just use the cards to start discussions ie favourite fantasy, when were you proud of your partner etc... which is a really endearing and fun way of making each other feel important iyswim!!!

if all else fails rabbit is brilliant but i prefer little powerful ones that can be used alongside hubbie iyswim lol!!!!

good luck hon hope you get the flames burning soon x