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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should i give my DH sex on demand?

52 replies

ShiftShaper · 08/04/2007 18:01

since having my dcs i have no sex drive whatsoever. i love my husband dearly and find him very attractive but sex is just not on my list of priorities anymore. the kids are now 3 and 4 and my libido is nowhere to be seen, which doesn't bother me one bit, although maybe it ought to.
i really feel for my DH, he is as sexual as ever and while he patiently waits for me to be in the mood, he could be waiting til doomsday...
my question is, should i have sex with DH to let him get his kicks even though i am not interested in an orgasm? i love the closeness and he loves the affection and he gets his oats too.
is this a really weird arrangement to come to?

OP posts:
theSelfishMan · 08/04/2007 22:49

I think a lot of people find the end of the day the worst time for sex - esp. for SAHMs.

xenabelly - having read your posts on the other thread(s), you have my sympathies.

You're not alone either - I have a very close friend in a not dissimilar position, and having seen how hard she has tried to resolve the issue within the relationship, I'm certainly not going to judge her.

(and I'll second pinkandfluffys "little" recommendation - very handy if you dont have much time before the kids wake up! )

xenabelly · 09/04/2007 08:30

thanks for your suggestions and posts - believe me the affair started because i have tried EVERYTHING to try and sort out my terrible sex life with hubby.

We have talked and talked and talked, we're very open about it. I've told him that I'm desperate and that I feel unattractive and constantly rejected. He's tried some herbal tablets to try to increase his libido but I can just tell that his heart isn't in it. At the end of the day he just says that sex isn't very important to him.

As for rabbits - lol! Thanks but I have had years of 'sorting myself out', in fact it's the only way I orgasm and while it's great and good for relaxing, it's not the same as a man wanting me and touching me and kissing me - it's that bit that I miss. The feeling desired bit.

It really gets me down cos I fancy my husband more than anyone else and when I'm with the bloke I'm having an affair with sometimes I fantasise that it is my husband doing stuff to me - how sad is that?

am stopping now before i start crying...

theSelfishMan · 09/04/2007 14:16

Sorry xenabelly - didn't mean to upset you

(And apologies to the OP for the slight threadjack.)

prufrock · 09/04/2007 14:26

Shiftshaper,I did exactly this for about 6 months - I was very depressed after ds, and lost my libido totally. Dh couldn't cope, he got angry because I was making no effort, I got angry because he was putting pressure on me. I saw a counsellor who helped me get my head sorted on lots of things, including the sex - in my mind I didn't want to do it all because I didn't want to do it a lot, so if i couldn't have a perfect sex life I was going to switch off completely. So Dh and I talked (we talked an awful lot over this period) and I "forced" myself to have sex once a week, and he didn't ask for it at any other time. I actually started to enjoy it after a while, and now I am happy to report that my libido has returned wth a vengeance and we are having the best time ever.

I think you both have to accept that both of your feelings are normal - but also accept that there is an issue to be resolved, but that it is neithers fault, and if your dh appreciated the effort you are making sexually, and makes a comparable effort practicaly, your sex drive can come back after a while.

madamez · 09/04/2007 22:35

Xenabelly: if a person doesn't want sex (and doesn't want to try to want it, either) then I see nothing wrong with a partner seeking sex elsewhere. Just as it's unethical to coerce a reluctant partner into sex because you're horny, it's wrong to require another person to become celibate because you don't want to have sex with them.

Monogamy is a choice, not compulsory behaviour and, while monogamous relationships are fine for those who are monogamously inclined, the cult of universal monogamy is responsible for a great deal of unhappiness.

expatinscotland · 09/04/2007 22:38

I have to agree w/madamez's first paragraph there.

I think you should see a doctor first. There may be a medical reason why you have no libido.

If you're not inclined to, however, well, no one can force you.

But I'd find it elsewhere if I were your husband, tbh, and my spouse just didn't seem to care that she had no libido.

expatinscotland · 09/04/2007 22:46

I have read only the OP and MZ's response, btw.

theSelfishMan · 09/04/2007 22:53

The approach prufrock has described is an excellent one - the setting a date approach (with the rule that the person with the higher drive doesnt ask outside that window) removes the pressure on you to "perform".

And as prufrock notes - that pressure may be from you partner (overt or otherwise) , but is just as likely to be yourself!

nallydoolally · 09/04/2007 22:54

i am having same prob. dh is very patient most of the time, but there are days when all he does is go on about how many days/hours it has been since our last 'encounter' (so called in front of the dc). i feel guilty, but also harrassed sometimes and think that he does not make it any easier for me by banging on about it...
there definitely is a difficulty 'switching from mum and wife' thing going on, as suggested by theSelfishMan.
am thinking i should dash upstairs, shave my legs and jump on him, but am worried about rejection as we had a little disagreement today and he has been acting like a 5 year old since then!!!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/04/2007 22:57

As long as your DH is happy that you feel this way about having sex with your DH, then its worth a try isnt it?

nallydoolally · 09/04/2007 22:58

(hi vvv. how are you this evening?)

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/04/2007 23:00

Sorry for hijack!

nallydoolally · 09/04/2007 23:02

so shall i de-hair and straddle?

expatinscotland · 09/04/2007 23:05

Go for it, nally! You might even be so nonchalant about it, you'll find you have an orgasm.

theSelfishMan · 09/04/2007 23:06

nally - when you get into a cycle like this - it's a bit like an arguement - someone has to apologise! (or in this case "de-hair and straddle or in DH's cut the pressure)

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/04/2007 23:06

Absolutely expat.

nallydoolally · 09/04/2007 23:17

see you later...

nallydoolally · 09/04/2007 23:48

successful! thought he might say "nah don't fell like it. am playing online game with the boys" but no, he was totally up for it and now has silly smile on his face! i know i wasn't away long, but i think he must have been at bursting point, so to speak! not too quick though, as i got my jollies (tmi?)

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/04/2007 23:53

ROFL! 31 minutes between posts AND you shaved your legs first? PMSL

nallydoolally · 09/04/2007 23:54

the legs took about 4 mins - stinging like buggery now, but it was worth it!!!!

Londonmamma · 10/04/2007 00:07

Go for it. It doesn't matter that you each get different things out of the experience. Men feel loved when their woman has sex with them.

nallydoolally · 10/04/2007 00:08

am hungry

theSelfishMan · 10/04/2007 02:17

congrats! And in record time too

What i was trying to say below (before the computer ate most of my post (bad computer -no cookie), is that often before a constructive discussion can be had about sex, and the frequency thereof, you need to break out of the cycle of "lack of interest vs. nagging for it all the time".

It's a bit like an arguement - often in the end, someone has to say they're sorry (or maybe thats just me that's stuck with that )

One of the advantages of the date night (could really do with a [bleagh] smiley) is that it gives relief from returning to this cycle - esp. for the high-drive partner. They may not be getting the quantity of sex they want, but they know they will get some sex, thats its not going to be weeks/months. Freed from the pressure/nagging, the lower-drive partner can often start having more positive feelings about it, and may start to get the libido returning. And the regular sex keeps the level of intimacy up, which generally helps most relationships.

Some useful rules/guidelines around this (*)

Obviously, no pressure to have sex outside the date night
If you really dont want to on the night - dont. Set a rain-check - rather than just "maybe tomorrow". Perhaps look at non-penetrative options instead.
Intimate gestures (kissing/snoggin/bottom squeezing, etc) should be encouraged - but without the expectation that it leads to sex.
The low-drive partner can initiate sex outside the date night.

You may (possibly after you've got a routine established, and you're out of any negative cycles) want to go with the option that either partner has certain days that they can initiate sex, but that the other partner can refuse (without causing an argument)

(*) reading through this I thought "Rules? for sex? what have we come to?", but the idea here is that this is not necessarily a long-term way of living, but just a method to get you through a phase. And it is just a phase. (for most)

prufrock · 10/04/2007 17:08

Selfishman is right - if you manage it correctly, it is just a phase, and extreme measures can be required to get you through that phase without too much damage to the long-term relationship. One of the things that really bothered me was that I needed to use toys/erotic literature (can I heartily recommend Scarlet magazine at this point) to get me into a mood where I could even bear dh to come near me. I felt, and verbalized to my counsellor, that I shouldn't need this sort of stuff, that if I truly loved dh, or was "normal" I should be able to just look at him and want him - just as I used to do. She persuaded me that having a different sex drive to pre-kids didn't mean that I was failing as a wife or woman, but was actually extremely normal and common, and that "needing" extra stimulation - as opposed to just wanting and enjoying it - wasn't actually a problem, more of a good solution.

I spent so long beating myself up about our lack of a sex life, and it was the beating myslef up that to a large extent perpetuated the problem. I never thought I would be able to come out the other side, but I have, and if I can do it, anyone can

lazyanna · 10/04/2007 21:33

no!