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Original poster

Husband working away

28 replies

Lyn276 · 01/10/2017 08:51

Hi... I'm new here so hoping I've posted in right place. I'm looking for some advice on what I should do.

My husband works away, other side of the country. He comes home every second weekend. We have a one year old and he took this job just after baby was born. It has been very hard going being on my own so much but I've managed. My husband knows it has been hard and is looking for a job closer to home.

This time he has been away he has been out drinking and socialising a lot after work, I haven't heard much from him in evenings and it can be particularly lonely but his bosses were there and the whole company were going out so I bit my tongue. He was due home Friday night and I had a night out planned with my own work for a colleague retiring. He told me at 4.15pm he wasn't going to make it home as he had to work the Saturday. I was due to go out at 6, luckily my mum came round and looked after little one but meant I could only go for meal and couldn't have a drink as I did not want to be looking after child on my own with alcohol in system etc. On phone yesterday (Saturday) I explained my disappointment to him, told him I feel it's unfair he is able to go out when he likes but I couldn't go to one thing (I have only had one other night out since baby was born 15 months ago) he said he understood, was really sorry, knew it wasn't fair etc. However later on text me to say he was out for dinner and drinks and then didnt get in touch with me rest of the night.

I just feel completely disrespected. I'm on my own here looking after our child, I also work part time so I am doing my bit to pay bills too but feel like he thinks he can do as he pleases and doesn't give me second thought. Have also tried calling him multiple times and had no answer.

I'm really looking for advice. I feel like anything I say is falling on deaf ears as he agrees with me then does the opposite. His actions are speaking louder than his words.

I also came home to baby having sickness bug Friday night so had no sleep all weekend... he knows this and still goes out drinking.

I'm so angry. Sorry for the major rant.

OP posts:
UnicornSparkles1 · 01/10/2017 08:55

Is his job specialised? Are there really no jobs closer to home for him?

Why has he suddenly started socialising so much?

Original poster
Lyn276 · 01/10/2017 08:58

Yes it is. It's a new company in U.K. and when he took job he was told the job was based all over uk but it had ended up most of the time he has been opposite end of country.

I don't know... he said he had to go out last week as bosses were over from America and he wanted to make good impression etc but last night he was only with another colleague, all bosses are away back to US now

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 01/10/2017 09:03

I think the sitiation needs to change.

But I also think being angry for him going out when he would be away anyway, is a bit daft.

It would have made no difference to you or the stress you are under if he had stayed in or gone out.

I travel for work and wouldnt stay in because dh was having a hard time of it, or because i hadnt got home when i planned to. Staying in my room or going would not improve dhs situation.

But i get you are angry at the whole situation. I just wouldnt concentrate it on him going out last night in particular.

Its a very unfair situation. I would be wanting to know how hard he was looking for a job near home. He really does have a great set up. Life of a single man, but a family to come home to when he wants. Are you sure he wants to give that up?

EscapingAdultLife · 01/10/2017 09:04

As someone who works away from home...

Don't automatically think there's OW involved. Working away can be difficult on both parties, so many people think it's easy on the person who is working away.

Are the phone calls you have positive? Or are they filled with a lot of moaning / nagging?? If they're negative and listing things each person has done during the day or what they can't do then it really doesn't make the partner who is working away want to phone home.

Working away from home can be very lonely and going out at night makes working away easier.

The only thing that baffles me is why he cannot get home every weekend when he only works the other side of the country (unless your in Australia, Canada or america) and also why he wouldn't know he is required to work on the Saturday until late on the Friday.

MiniTheMinx · 01/10/2017 09:04

Every other weekend? All of a sudden then working weekend off, socialising more, and unable to answer your phone calls. I'd be suspicious.

How long has he been looking for a new job? Is he seriously looking? Was it his idea to look and is he doing everything possible to find a job nearer home?

Original poster
Lyn276 · 01/10/2017 09:13

Yes you are completely right I am angry at the situation as a whole and it's not in particular about him going out last night although I do feel it's slightly rubbing my face in it when he knew how much I had been looking forward to one night out. Plus we don't really have enough money for him going out in the city for a night out after being out 6 consecutive nights last week.

Well that's exactly my view too. I have questioned how hard he is looking but he gets annoyed when I suggest he isn't trying his best.

I don't know how to change the situation when really he is the only one who can?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 01/10/2017 09:17

Op, ignore the comments from posters who've obviously never worked away from home.

If he's well rewarded for his work, it makes it difficult but, if the situation for you is intolerable you're at a relationship crossroads. When I was contracting I was single for exactly the reasons you're struggling with

user21 · 01/10/2017 09:21

This isn't a marriage.

He's checked out
💐

Original poster
Lyn276 · 01/10/2017 09:27

EscapingAdultLife... yes I do understand it can be hard working away and he gets plenty sympathy from everyone about his hard he works and how hard it must be for him etc. Our phone calls are usually positive, we FaceTime so he can see the little one on a daily basis. I have given up a lot of my life so he can build his career but I don't ever cast it upto him because his career is important to him. I genuinely amnt a nagging wife, in fact everyone always asks how I can be so positive about my situation. It's just started to get on top of me a bit.
The situation about him getting home is basically he is only allowed to take a work van every second weekend, it's an 8 hour drive home from where he works. His company do not pay for travel and even if they did the closest airport to us is 2 hours away and trains do not run on regular basis from airport to our town.

Minitheminx yes I am trying not to be the suspicious wife but it is starting to creep in unfortunately.

We both agreed not long after he started his job that he had to find something closer as the company didn't deliver on a lot of promises they had told him they would when he went for interview. He is on a lot of recruitment websites, he checks them daily, he also has contacted and sent Cvs to local companies which specialise in his field and has people he knows keeping eye out for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lyn276 · 01/10/2017 09:29

Thenaze... yes it's exactly right in what you are saying. His job is too well paid for him to give up until something with equal benefits crops up closer to home.

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 01/10/2017 09:31

He comes home every second weekend !
Is he working the weekends he doesn't come home ?
I agree with User31.
He is showing disrespect to you and his child.
I am sorry OP

UnicornSparkles1 · 01/10/2017 09:36

Could you move to be closer to him? Sounds like nothing is going to change with his job location for a while, so is it possible for you to move down there?

disappearingninepatch · 01/10/2017 09:39

Can't you and your DC move to be with him? You could use the money he spends socialising on a childminder while you work PT. Grin

Greenday90 · 01/10/2017 09:40

Sounds like he's left you. Sorry Flowers

Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 01/10/2017 09:41

Not sure if I echo what others think about it being suspicious however I would be seething about missing a night out and him not coming home.

However, with regards to going out while working away. My job includes me going away for a night or 2 every now and then. I'm north and sometimes I have to stop in Plymouth etc.

We tend to go out as a work group as I feel that it's so soul destroying to go back to an empty hotel room and sit on a bed for 5 hours.

I tend to leave work. Go back and phone the dc
Have a shower and get changed.
Phone dc again and then meet colleagues for a meal and a couple of drinks.
Not a heavy night at all.

Just breaks the boredom and loneliness.

cromarty1 · 01/10/2017 09:41

Me and the dc have come out the other end of a similar situation to yours OP, having been left for ow he met while working away (he now virtually never sees the dc). Like your dh - the words and the actions just didn't match, and I learned far too late I should have trusted what he did rather than what he said! I think the combined 'bachelor' life with the lovely family at home combo is very seductive for some and travelling a lot or working away from home provides the perfect opportunity. I could be wrong, but it sounds like your dh enjoys the freedoms this double life affords, and doesn't really want to change things.
In our case, he became very emotionally distant and detached form us after a few years of this part-time family life, which I didn't realise as he would say all the right things and wouldn't admit to how he was really feeling (to himself I think as well as me) - which made it possible for him to meet someone else and up and run 'out of the blue'.

I wish now that I had paid attention to the red flags earlier, and insisted we'd tackled it properly, honestly and openly, and put conditions in place if necessary. I really regret not doing this - maybe we would have broken up earlier as a consequence but in retrospect I would have preferred this to being left out of the blue with my dc at tricky ages. I know your situation could be very different - I hope so, and it sounds like you're far more confident about tackling already than I was. Good luck!

pigeondujour · 01/10/2017 09:41

Is his work paying for all this socialising or is he (and by extension, you)?

Cricrichan · 01/10/2017 09:44

It doesn't sound like he has much choice as long as he works for that company and he's trying his hardest to find a job closer to home. If he has to stay there anyway (and an 8 hour drive (16 both ways) is a massive drag on top of a full working week, then I don't blame him for going out and having a bit of fun.

Is he in a hotel?

The other alternative is that you relocate close to his job?

Longdistance · 01/10/2017 09:50

Your h is being disrespectful. As soon as was reading your op, I could knew he wasn't coming home. That's just shitty behaviour.

To those saying it's lonely working away. Have you actually read the op? He sounds like he's having a whale of a time, out every night. My Dh works away sometimes during the week, he goes out with colleagues too, but would never not ring me.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum Flowers

user7680 · 01/10/2017 09:53

Sorry but he sounds like he’s going on dates and fu..ing someone else

MiniTheMinx · 01/10/2017 10:06

It's hard not to be suspicious, and who knows really, but this situation can easily lay the foundations for living a double life.

If he is spending a considerable amount of money socialising, he could spend the money going home, or on the travel for you and DC to go there a few weekends.

And it's not whether he is socialising or not that is the actual issue. If he's out and about feeling fancy free he may compartmentalise his life, which together with lack of intimacy and proximity is a risk. If he sits alone in an empty room procrastinating, bored and lonely then it can eventually lead in the same direction.

I know people work away from home. I would gladly of sent my ex off to work on an oil rig for 6 months at a stretch, but then I didn't actually want him anyway. The idea of not seeing DP for one day is horror, I'd miss him dreadfully. I want to be next to him every night, and my life would be significantly less happy if I didn't. So, I can't speak for others, but for me if I was able to spend more time away than with my partner, it would almost definitely reflect the fact that the relationship wasn't much more than just ok.

EscapingAdultLife · 01/10/2017 17:11

I disagree with the PP who said it's not a marriage a d he has checked out. He may not have checked out, he maybe struggling with the working away thing and maybe feeling a little low or depressed if he isn't having much luck with finding work local to where you live. It can be very difficult for anybody confidence let alone a man's confidence.

I think you need to sit down and have a one to one chat, tell him how you're feeling. Good luck

SandyY2K · 01/10/2017 18:32

There's too much negativity on here. Please don't allow it to cloud your judgement.

Original poster
Lyn276 · 01/10/2017 19:41

Thanks for your responses.

Had long conversation on phone and he feels like he is a failure as I'm so unhappy.

He has taken time off work to come home and sort things out.

Thanks again

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 01/10/2017 20:17

I am glad OP