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Original poster

Is DP being unreasonable or am I about the future?

32 replies

Pighay · 01/10/2017 08:24

DP and I have been together for four years. I have 3 DC who live with us, he has 1DC who visits and we have 1 child together. We're both in our 30's but I'm 8 years older than him.

We argued a fair bit during the first two years but we've been settled and happy since.

I was hoping we'd get married soon but when I brought up the subject he said we argued too much. I don't think we do. I'm often tired with a 12 month old and three other DC to look after and he would like more sex. He has a high sex drive and would like sex everyday/every other day. This is the only thing we argue about really.

I'm on the pill and it doesn't agree with me, I suggested he get a vasectomy and he said no, because if I leave him he would want to start another family. He said he wouldn't want to be alone and a weekend dad to his DC.

I suppose that's fair enough in theory but it's made me feel a bit weird.... I don't feel very connected to him since he said it, especially in the bedroom. He was also saying how he always gets ID'd and how he could quite easily be mistaken for early twenties. When I've asked he says I look mid thirties....

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 01/10/2017 08:25

He can wear condoms, then, for a start. What are his redeeming features, OP?

RJnomore1 · 01/10/2017 08:29

Fab. He's had two goes at family and now he's thinking about a third.

I don't know him but I don't like him.

He sounds very very insecure as well.

No wonder you don't feel connected to him.

SonicBoomBoom · 01/10/2017 08:32

This sounds like you should cut your losses.

It doesn't sound like he's committed to you for the long term.

KarmaNoMore · 01/10/2017 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SonicBoomBoom · 01/10/2017 08:33

And let me guess, he doesn't like using condoms?

picklemepopcorn · 01/10/2017 08:36

I'm afraid he just isn't committed to you. He sees it as a 'nice while it lasts' relationship. He gives the impression of intending to move through life with a series of relationships which meet his needs- frequent sex, pleasant home life.

I think you need a counsellor to help you explain that you want more than that, and be prepared for him to move on.

Original poster
Pighay · 01/10/2017 08:38

Thanks for the replies.

I'm making him sound like an asshole with this snippet of our lives. He does compliment me daily and goes out of his way to be helpful and kind.

He is quite selfish sexually, in the sense he has a high sex drive and knows I'm tired. He takes it very personally, yes is quite insecure.

Yes complete lack of libido and weight gain from the pill.

I often suggested separating in the first two years which he can't seem to move past... He said I've made him insecure in the relationship.

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 01/10/2017 08:38

The "don't want to be alone and a weekend dad" comment is weird. It implies :

He can't imagine being with someone and it being a fulfilling relationship whilst NOT having more babies with them.
When the relationship ends, the children of that relationship get relegated to being "weekend kids".
He doesn't consider his kids as HIS family - they belong to the woman and he would be perfectly happy to start a THIRD family with a new woman if your relationship ends.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/10/2017 08:49

It sounds like you’re both dragging out a dead thing for convenience to be honest. You weren’t sure about it in the first two years; he’s not sure enough to want to marry now.

Is it fixable without anyone taking any big actions (marriage, vasectomy) that neither of you want? Do you want to fix it?

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/10/2017 08:52

He sounds....yeah he sounds horrible. Pressurising you into sex when you're exhausted with tiny DC. Making you feel deeply insecure about him possibly moving on and starting another family. Doesn't give a shit about how the pill affects you.

He sounds like a complete prick; little day to day niceties aside, of course.

BananaShit · 01/10/2017 09:02

Why are you on the pill if it doesn't agree with you?

Hermonie2016 · 01/10/2017 09:12

I think a vasectomy is his choice and if you don't want children there are alternatives for you.I would investigate these since it's his right to not agree to a vasectomy.

His comments might have been said without understanding the impact but it shows you are both insecure in the relationship.I believe that once you have ended a relationship with children it is 'easier' to do it again but it doesn't mean he is planning to leave.

I think you need to both acknowledge that your relationship does feel secure to each of you.
Do you really only argue about sex? Does he sulk or get angry if you say no?

TheNaze73 · 01/10/2017 09:12

It sounds to me like he has an exit plan in place

Isetan · 01/10/2017 09:14

You didn't make him sound like an arsehole, his behaviour has.

He's effectively saying that more sex is a condition of him marrying you and if that doesn't scare you into dropping your knickers more frequently, his other not so subtle comments are reminders that he can replace you with relative ease.

His insecurities are his responsibility and if emotionally blackmailing his parter is his only way of 'dealing' with them, then his problems are much greater.

I can see the goal of all those 'compliments' he gives you - emotional lubricant, the means to justify the end, which is more sex.

A higher sex drive doesn't make you an arsehole, manipulating your partner in order to service that higher sex drive, does.

Forget looking younger for his years, he sounds more immature for his years and that's never attractive.

Gorgosparta · 01/10/2017 09:16

I dont think he sees you being together in the long term

springydaffs · 01/10/2017 09:22

He's keeping his options open

user7680 · 01/10/2017 09:24

Sounds like he’s looking for someone else

Shoxfordian · 01/10/2017 09:30

He is thinking that the relationship may not work and he sounds like an idiot

Butterymuffin · 01/10/2017 09:57

So he's got a future in mind where he's with some other woman having more children? Why can't he do more with the ones he already has? And he says you're making him insecure?

Original poster
Pighay · 01/10/2017 10:55

He tried to clarify last night, saying he's not planning on leaving, nor does he ever want to but if I left him...

Ugh, I'm really angry with him right now. I don't think anyone can live up to his expectations of a 'happy home'.

He has an idealised image of what family life and a relationship is meant to be like... I think he feels he's got a raw deal and feels unappreciated and that we have no time for each other, which is actually true...

OP posts:
Original poster
Pighay · 01/10/2017 10:58

He's said that I should put our baby in childcare a few mornings a week so I can be less stressed and we can have more time for each other.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/10/2017 11:08

'He's said that I should put our baby in childcare a few mornings a week so I can be less stressed and we can have more time for each other.'

How's that going to help? Does he mean it frees up time for you to do all the lifework so he gets more sex? He has a very blase attitude towards procreating.

'He has an idealised image of what family life and a relationship is meant to be like... I think he feels he's got a raw deal and feels unappreciated and that we have no time for each other, which is actually true...'

You have five kids between you, what does he expect? I think I know, he expects woman to handle everything and still be gagging for sex.

His ideals are wank.

category12 · 01/10/2017 11:10

Why were you so unhappy in the first couple of years you repeatedly suggested splitting?

I'm assuming by more time for each other, he actually means sex?

Hermonie2016 · 01/10/2017 12:41

Oh dear, if he really can't live past the honeymoon phase of life he will have a series of failed relationships.

If he has an idealised view then he will not be happy and you will always feel pressure to perform in some area of your life.

FrogFairy · 01/10/2017 12:50

It sounds like he already has one foot out of the door.

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