Is DP being unreasonable or am I about the future?

[Pighay]

DP and I have been together for four years. I have 3 DC who live with us, he has 1DC who visits and we have 1 child together. We're both in our 30's but I'm 8 years older than him.

We argued a fair bit during the first two years but we've been settled and happy since.

I was hoping we'd get married soon but when I brought up the subject he said we argued too much. I don't think we do. I'm often tired with a 12 month old and three other DC to look after and he would like more sex. He has a high sex drive and would like sex everyday/every other day. This is the only thing we argue about really.

I'm on the pill and it doesn't agree with me, I suggested he get a vasectomy and he said no, because if I leave him he would want to start another family. He said he wouldn't want to be alone and a weekend dad to his DC.

I suppose that's fair enough in theory but it's made me feel a bit weird.... I don't feel very connected to him since he said it, especially in the bedroom. He was also saying how he always gets ID'd and how he could quite easily be mistaken for early twenties. When I've asked he says I look mid thirties....

OP - you seems to have other issues in your relationship other than contraception. But I just wanted to say something re vasectomy.

It is and can be a sensitive subject with men. The underlying fear for them is that it can lead to things not working well afterwards, which is, as you can imagine a very big deal.

And, to be fair, if you are willing to consider vasectomy for him, you should equally consider tying your tubes. Are you really likely to want more children? And why is that that you expect him to do something that you are not willing to do?

And, just looking at this whole situation from a totally logical point of view - he is in his early 30s. And while divorce is not something people plan on, it’s near-sighted to think that it doesn’t happen.
So yes, preserving his fertility is just a normal, logical desire. It doesn’t have to mean that he is thinking and planning for his escape.

I understand that it’s not easy to separate all your insecurities and relationship problems and look at this with a cool head. Maybe even impossible.

And of course, MN is normally quick to judge and crusify the men. And all that. But - the way your partner is - must have not been news to you. He must have always had a high sexual drive. Expecting it to change because you had a child is unrealistic.
Equally, with 3 kids already, you knew what it’d mean to have a baby.

Relationships take work. If all you at arguing about is sex, and you both love each other - there must be a way to solve it, somehow.
If you at often tired - and that is what prevents you from wanting sex - then yes, finding some way of giving yourself a bit more rest time is not a bad idea.
(I believe that’s what he meant by suggesting morning childcare for the baby. And he is not wrong to do that - he is just looking for a solution that’ll work for the two of you).

Where you are now - it can go two ways.
One way is the MN way - you’ll feel more and more justified that he is a bad person, a typical man and all he wants is sex and to keep his options open, etc. This will put it all into a downward spiral.

Another way is to realise that there are two of you in this relationship. And, most likely, both need to change something to make it work.

Why did you keep suggesting splitting, yet stayed with him? One of two things, or both - insecurity and immaturity. Own your part first, realise the impact your behaviour had on him,then take it from there. And yes as someone else said, he must always have had a high sex drive and yes things change,yours has dropped. You both need to cut out the insecurity from talking and open up properly about how you fix these glitches, together.

Josuk, having your tubes tied is a much bigger, more invasive operation for a woman with a higher level of risk and less reliable. General anaesthetic, hospital stay, etc.

For a man it's local anaesthetic, half an hour and very few risks and complications. To say it's sensitive for a bloke and infer it's less of a deal for a woman is ignorant!

Whoa. He's the definition of a Baby Daddy, isn't he ?

Implying that having a vasectomy and having your 'tubes tied' are on an equal level is pretty daft.
And it ignores that the current alternative is for the op to cope with the side effects she's experiencing on the pill.

I'm in favour of things being fair but to go from 'well if you don't like the pill then get your tubes tied because this can be tricky for men' doesn't really cut it.

I always think that if someone with a baby wants sex all the time, they're not pulling their weight. The pill also crushes libido. More night time parenting for your dp & condoms could go a long way to realigning your libidos.

So having a child with you is not as strong a commitment as a marriage would be? I'd say mid-teens rather than early twenties.