Dating advice.. how do I do it?

[Flyingbellycopters]

Sorry didn't mean to be so kind but guess I'm a bit frustrated.
I've been separated for five years and dated one person for 3 years in that time - really on and off though. He was single and no children and just couldn't ever understand the time my full time job and my 2DC took.
My exH and I get on v well and are absolutely co parenting our DC one with ASN. I'm 48 ok looking but nothing special, definitely could be slimmer and healthier but I'm alright. As a person I think I'm fine. I have friends and am friendly and fun. I like laughs and usual nights out in our cinema etc.
I've now been single nearly a year and would kind of like to be in relationship. But I have three problems I just can't get around. So help me MNetters.

1. Time. I have a very very demanding full time job where I put in extra hours alongside having two kids. So even in time where kids with exDH I'm knackered / catching up on housework and ironing and sleep / or seeing friends.
2. There are no men! I signed up to dating Site and all the men my age are looking for 35-40 and I'm just not prepared or willing to go with someone 55/60 who is looking for my age group. That seems to much age gap for me. Also No one has kids so they all want to go running/cycling /art galleries on Saturdays and spend lazy Sundays in pub after long walk up a mountain with espresso . Well thats great I'd like that but I'm either sleeping in morning or out with kids and ferrying to friends and activities or enjoying my time with them so ain't happening.
3. I work in v large organisation in v small town. It's charity so we aren't well paid but I'm v senior. So people know me I don't know them. I haven't put photo on date site as I cannot stand the thought of bunch blokes I'm at meeting with and I'm senior to knowing I'm ' looking for love/shag/ mr right' depending on how they interpret. After month on site my profile could be crap but suspect lack of photo not helping. But being only average looking I don't think it would help me anyway.

What do I do?
I think just giving up and waiting a decade till kids grown and I have time and no ties and people may be not so bothered about looks but ok with finding a nice person to share date/life with is the place to be.
Just realise with job and commitments I have, a relationship is just too much to add on and wait it out.
Ironically of course I think a man in my position with my job and with my commitment to my kids would make me attractive to women and A catch and my average looks would be acceptable cos I'm fun.
Sadly it seems a woman really does need to have it all to get by.
Thoughts? Advice?
That you in advance lovely women - and occasional men.

My advice is to find someone who has a hobby - they tend to be more understanding of busy life styles than the type that just watch telly and go to the pub. I know it's not as simple as that of course...

Thnaks new love. That's a thought. A common interest is shared.
Just need to think of one!!

Men do have it easier in the dating world.
Younger women happily go for older blokes so older men can have there pick whereas women have only men a decade older to choose from which is not appealing to most women and quite depressing actually.
Not much advice to offer OP but totally sympathise and agree with everything you said.

Thanks user. Yes think that's exactly it. It's depressing and think I'm better giving up before really starting and enjoying friends and family instead!

I'm watching with interest as I'm in a similar position.

My first thought was that you don't need to be embarrassed about your dating profile. Anyone who sees it is on the site looking for the same things you are, and either has a profile or is thinking about it.

I think you'll definitely have more interest if you put photos on, and being average looking shouldn't be a barrier because I know several average women who successfully use online dating.

The time one is difficult. I guess there is no way round the fact that it won't work unless you're willing to carve out some time, which is certainly possible if you want a relationship badly enough. The busiest person I know is a junior doctor with two children. She sets aside two evenings per week, or one evening and one weekend day. She manages to prioritise her job, children and commitments at home but doesn't have much time to relax!

I gave up for the reasons you describe. No photo because of my job and I sounded out a couple of colleagues and they agreed I shouldn't put up a photo. It's a non starter on a dating site then. Unless you contact men first and include a picture.

Had the same re the children. Tbf some men didn't seem to mind fitting in around my commitments but I found it stressful and kept letting people down. Also the men wanted to come round to my home earlier than I was comfortable with for a shag.

I thought I would wait a couple of years until the dc are older but it doesn't really get any better as they are up later and I still need childcare for them in the evenings.

Sorry not helpful but I completely understand how fed up you get.

Thanks rainy.
I agree about the time thing. My best male friend says same. He says I need to be committed or not do as I can't say yes I'll meet you six weeks on Friday when I have a free night but hope there's no crisis/event at work that means I'm there till 10pm!

'Golf widows' would agree that if you date a golfer, you'll have your weekend daytimes to yourself! Perhaps you could join the local club and take your DC for lessons if they're interested too.
On the dating profile thing, you could turn off and on geo-specific apps, such as Happn, with photos, when you're in a nearby city on travelling for work. The guy won't be a local, but it's more anonymous and if he lives 1-2 hours away, dating 1-2 eves per week might be doable.
Have you got a cleaner to free you up from housework a bit? In my area it's £12 per hour and she does alot in 2 hours. Leaving me with just washing and tidying.

Put a photo on. Don't worry about what anyone else might think.

Thanks happi. Yep I guess it seems like we just can't have it all! And thanks re photo. That's my feelings too - and one where man in similar position might also be uncomfortable I guess. It's one identifier and you don't know who has seen you.

Hi OP, I am in the same boat. I separated a year ago from exP. he now is childless (!) and has a carefree life with new girlfriend. I on the other hand work full time , look after house, 3 kids and have no time to date or childcare. ExP doesn't have our Dc overnight as he is currently just staying at friend house, or girlfriends.
So - I could maybe arrange a date night one Saturday a month, but be too much sorting. I just cannot give any time to seeing anyone. I'm going to concentrate on my kids , and me, and eating healthily /losing weight so I fell a bit better.

May50 that's rubbish. What a git not being dad and taking fair share. Tell him you expect him to look after kids at least twice a week and go out and enjoy yourself with friends or whatever. That's so unfair on you - and kids.

OP you need to change your mindset. If you want to date than you need to assign it some priority.

1. Put up a photo. Profiles without photos get no interest.
2. Find time for dates. Get a reliable babysitter and get a cleaner to free up some time
3. Put some effort in and be proactive

There is nothing in your post that is unsolvable

He takes out one day a weekend , but no overnights as no where for them to have a bed. He is Disney dad, fun time. I also get not a penny maintenance. He is self employed, debts coming out of his ears. Cocklodger. So no point chasing him I'd never receive anything anyway. Kids love him though as he is fun, cuddly dad. He just has no responsibility - a big kid.

I wouldn't rule out older men tbh. Some older men won't be right for you the same as some younger men won't be right either. At our age it's not really about age at all but more about personality. I really clicked with someone 7 years older than me OLD but he's nothing like most men that age.

If you aren't finding someone who interests you then maybe widen your search both geographically and ageistly.

Personally I'd never respond to profiles without a picture and as a pp said who cares what anyone else might think. [and how would we know what anyone else is thinking anyway?]

Good luck op.

Finding a golfer - lol. Good idea!

I was also going to say that you shouldn't necessarily rule out older men. I think that photos of men in their 40s and 50s don't necessarily do them justice, and I have often met men that were a bit meh in their pp but much more attractive in rl, when you can see that they're funny or smart or whatever.

I do understand that you have a big job, but work life balance is worth aiming for. If you dropped dead tomorrow, your employer would replace you. When you eventually retire, your employer will replace you. Nobody lies on their death bed and feels pleased that they gave their job everything they had, to the detriment of a loving relationship or personal life. There must surely be one evening when you could leave on time, even if it is to go straight to a date rather than home first.

No money for cleaner. Paying mortgage bills etc on my own is a stretch and that's a step too far. I did look into but just too much to add on to monthly expenses. I did already wonder how I pay for dates too!

I too am in a similar position. Separated from h last year, reasonably amicably. The dc go to his 1 night a week and being young teens we let them choose so I get Friday night only to myself. H has just announced last week he has met somebody he really likes. It's made me think about myself dating and I just cannot see how this is feasible. He gets 6 nights a week to do as he pleases. I work full time also so how can I have a meaningful relationship on 1 night a week?! I feel a little resentful of him to be honest.

Bored, that doesn't seem fair. Since you are amicable, and he has recently started to move on himself, could you ask him for more time so that you can have a social life too? If the children only want to go to his house on a Friday, could he come and spend time with them at your house on another evening so that you can go out without disrupting their routines? It sounds like they are old enough to understand.

I agree with Rainy Ms Bored. That’s not an even split at all. One night? Tell him to take another night (we could go on pull together!)

Not ruling out older just not loads older as that’s close to 60! To be fair I did get one offer. He was more than twenty years older than me and same age as my mum!

I am in the same position but have dated reasonably frequently. Where it falls down is that where I've met someone I like they inevitably want more of my time and attention than I can give. Between work, home and childcare there's nothing left over. So I've decided to focus on my life as a single woman and my DD and it's liberating. Not saying I wouldn't ever have a relationship again but not sure I'd want to live with a man and end up doing his laundry or cleaning up after him. (Shudders)

Bored if they are teens couldn't they stay home alone a few hours while you go.out?

ohamIreally - this is where I'm at, although I'd like a date now and then, I wouldn't be able to give much of my time at all, maybe go out once a fortnight! Work full-time, commute, 3 kids, etc.
So - I need to get into a mindset where I just focus on being single and enjoying my kids (and feel less resentful of exP - I get angry when I think of the carefree life he has and everything on my shoulders, but feeling resentful is not going to change matters, all it means is that I get grumpy and moany so what's the point - need to let it wash over me and get on with things) In 5 years the older 2 will be moving onwards and upwards and childcare will be easier.
And by that stage I will be calm, and centred, and 2 stone lighter (well that's the plan if I stick to my diet!)

Not a lot you can do about number 2 other than hope for the best or raise your age profile. if women on dating profiles in their 30's are stating men up to 10 years older then men will go for that option, especially if kids are in the mix. It's fickle but that's life and that's men!