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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why has my Ex bought expensive tickets for the school ball?

54 replies

donners312 · 30/09/2017 13:48

When he has refused to pay school fee's for years.

Took me to court to remove the DC from the school.

Refuses to pay maintenance or for any extra ciriculum for the DC?

The tickets are over £100 and he has bought tickets to go for him and GF? They also live hours away so chances of them going are slim and he refuses to come to where we live to see the DC insisting I must take them to him?

Is this just to wind me up - just bizarre?

OP posts:
SevenDwarfWharf · 30/09/2017 21:35

Hang on....the court order currently states that you should be bringing them to him and you're not? And your plan is to simply not show up to court the next time? You realllllyyy need a solicitors opinion on how much risk your taking on. If you simply defy the order the judge very well could give the children to him.

SevenDwarfWharf · 30/09/2017 21:36

In fact I bet he's going to ball to show "involvement" in their lives. You do really need to sort this properly.

LesLavandes · 30/09/2017 21:46

Be careful OP about breaking the court order. I have one too so understand the implications. If he lied about his location at court, that is bad for him. However, you need to take legal advice urgently. You cannot just wing it on the basis he lied and you don't have to drive the 6 hours.
I am on your side but OP, you must not break court order. Please please get legal advice

Santawontbelong · 30/09/2017 22:16

Please please don't ignore the court hearing. It WILL go ahead and won't go in your favour. Trust me. . Get a barrister or you aren't going to win. .

WitchDancer · 30/09/2017 22:22

Just a random thought - he won't try to pass the cost to you will he? Something along the lines of him saying to the school 'oh, Donners is paying'?

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/10/2017 01:06

He will take me back to court but my plan is to just not go asI don't see what the court can do?

You could lose custody of your children!

Take him back to court, be proactive rather than reactive, it will make a MASSIVE difference to the outcome.

kittensinmydinner1 · 01/10/2017 05:26

I don't think there is anyone on here who disagrees that it is massively unfair for you to facilitate contact over a 6 hr journey but PLEASE PLEASE do NOT ignore an enforcement hearing. The courts can and WILL award full custody to the person seeking the order. I personally know two people this has happened to. It's real .Deal with this proactively. Get Ito court and ask for a variation. Explain you can't afford it and the address is wrong.
On that note - how do you know the address is wrong ? Did you take the children to the address given on the order and he wasn't there ?
If you are saying the address is wrong because he lives with OW - this is irrelevant. Where he lived when the children aren't with him is not anyone's busy business but his. If the address given on the order is available for contact then it's correct regardless of wether he lives there all the time or not.
Don't play with fire OP. Nothing pisses a judge more than being ignored. This could end very badly.

Original poster
donners312 · 01/10/2017 10:01

He wouldn't want the children - he doesn't even want to come and see them?

I don't think a court would order the DC to go and live in a shared house with other adult stranger men which is 6 hours away from the school they attend?

To live with a man who has consistently failed to look after them?

I don't think the court will take the children from me and give them to him as he is not in a position to have them?

He has not paid any maintenance or anything else he definetely would not want the costs of providing for 2 children full time!!

I am not stopping the DC from seeing him BTW just not physically taking him them to him.

Before i had been to court so many times i would have agreed and would have thought it would all be in the best interests of the DC and fair. But it isn't!!!

OP posts:
SevenDwarfWharf · 01/10/2017 10:22

You're taking a massive risk. They absolutely will remove the children from you and they will need to change school. And you very well may be ordered to pay him maintenance if he has them. You really really need a lawyer and to show up in court.

Original poster
donners312 · 01/10/2017 10:25

Sevendwarf - I am not trying to be argumentative but why would they take the children off me?

Where would they put them - in care do you mean? My Ex doesn't have anywhere for them they can't go into a shared house?

OP posts:
SevenDwarfWharf · 01/10/2017 10:34

The judge will award him custody because you have defied the order. He will then qualify for social housing because he has the kids and you will be ordered to pay him maintenance. Deciding you know better than the court is not a good strategy and it's an enormous risk to take. Your ex is clearly up to something with the ball tickets. And it would make sense that he go to the ball as evidence to the court that he's involved in some way. Please at least take the advice of a solicitor on the amount of risk you are taking on.

Original poster
donners312 · 01/10/2017 10:44

Thanks Seven i do understand what you are saying but he wouldn't live in social housing he would see it as beneath him? I imagine he also earns too much too qualify for social housing I know it sounds crazy, but he is actually pretty wealthy. He just will not spend any money, hence the bizarre house sharing situation.

OP posts:
Santawontbelong · 01/10/2017 10:47

Fact - if you aren't coperating with the court order they WILL involve SS. .
Believe me after a 4 year case I feel I can advise you op. ..

Original poster
donners312 · 01/10/2017 10:50

sorry to hear that santa - I hope you are OK now?

OP posts:
Santawontbelong · 01/10/2017 10:54

9 years down the line my now teens stood up to their df and are nc with him now.
Don't bury your head in the sand, it's really not worth the risk. .

DianaT1969 · 01/10/2017 12:26

He did the 6 hour distance happen? Did you move the family 6 hours away when you split, or did he move? Doesn't he drive? Just wondering what grounds you can use to challenge the current ruling. A solicitor should know how to get you out of this.

DianaT1969 · 01/10/2017 12:27

How did the 6 hour distance happen?
Not He...

Original poster
donners312 · 01/10/2017 15:47

He chose not to live near his DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 01/10/2017 15:48

He does drive yes - a range rover but told the court he didn't drive and had not car couldn't afford the train fare and asked that i pay for his hotel if he comes to see the kids.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 01/10/2017 15:58

Well can you get proof of him having a car etc?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 01/10/2017 16:04

There are no actual income limits on social housing applications OP. Eligibility is all down to need, and a parent with Court awarded custody of their DCs & no suitable home would be seen as a priority.

Whether he would lower himself to actually move in is another matter!

You’re probably right that he wouldn’t actually want the DCs living with him - but I wouldn’t like to take the risk that he might do it just to spite you.

He is clearly a deeply unpleasant man.

Original poster
donners312 · 01/10/2017 16:04

I had proof of everything when we went to court the last time but the court really were not interested.

He just lied and lied and the court bent over backwards to accommodate everything he wanted irrespective of the cost to me or the DC. I just don't get it? I never will.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 01/10/2017 16:26

Did you both have a solicitor at court?

Original poster
donners312 · 01/10/2017 16:35

He had a barrister and i had no one.

I just cannot afford it- I work part time now on minimum wage as I have the DC 100% of the time and so i cannot pay hundreds of pounds once a month to take kids to him. It would involve staying overnight as no train back home by the time we could get there.

I also can't afford to go to court and i cannot afford solicitor either. i did have one, BUT not one thing she said would happen did and i have no faith. Plus the solicitor I did have said that as he clearly doesn't care about the DC I would never have any leverage and she said just go it on your own and didn't want to take my money and continued to help me for free.

She has always been shocked by the court decisions but said they often do make shocking judgments that you could never predict.

OP posts:
SevenDwarfWharf · 01/10/2017 19:35

There's a missing piece somewhere in here. The court took a very different view than what you've presented. Perhaps post in legal to see if someone can help you? At the very least you need to show up to court. Maybe CAB could help? You can apply to vary the consent order which with my limited experience you should do so you're not in breach. You are going to have to plead your case as to why you haven't followed the order.

If he drives a Land Rover, is it not registered to him? Is it really his car? You say he's wealthy but what form does it take? Income or assets? If income, is he self employed? Were you awarded maintenance in your settlement? Is it in the order? Have you gone through CMS?

Your solicitor sounds incompetent. There shouldn't have been this big a surprise. Sorry this must all be very stressful.