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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to get it out

28 replies

Therestweret8ken · 29/09/2017 20:36

I am so scared writing this but I need to get it out. To see it written down, admitted to and ultimately torn apart by you lot is what will jolt me back from this.

2.5 years ago I started an affair. We've never referred to it as that, probably to try and minimise, but that's what it was.

We knew each other through work, different companies but same field, didn't sleep together but a lot of kissing. Afterwards we both found out neither were single. Emotional affair ensued. We did meet a few months later but I couldn't go through with it and left. Still, EA continued.

I fell pregnant (not by OM). Through pregnancy & mat leave we were NC but as soon as I got back to work it started up again. We slept together for the first time last autumn. I got engaged on NYE. OM & I spent the night away together in February.

Since then we've been in constant contact but EA has subsided & when we meet it's just as friends but with a definite spark still there. We often sext but that seems to have stopped lately. We might say goodnight with a kiss.

The thing is, I don't FEEL anything when I'm with him casually. It's more the enticement of it & the fantasy of it all when we're texting and not together.

I'm trying so hard not to get in touch but when it's been a constant for over two years it's hard to let that habit go.

I don't know why I'm posting. Things have been a bit odd between us the last couple of weeks & I guess I'm realising it's the end. I want it to be. Need it to be, it just feels weird.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 29/09/2017 20:39

Jeez you didn't mention your husband once. Poor poor man. I'm not sure what you're asking really.

Thinkingofausername1 · 29/09/2017 20:41

Leave your husband. He deserves better!!

Original poster
Therestweret8ken · 29/09/2017 20:42

Just giving the facts. Most on this site can sympathise from DW (sperm donor baby) point of view & didn't want to post the clichéd things about what a wonderful relationship we have other than this.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 29/09/2017 20:46

But you can't have 'wonderful other than this' . It's only wonderful because your husband is unaware you've been shagging around behind his back. Tell him so the playing field is level and then you can see just how wonderful things are and move forward together or apart.

jeaux90 · 29/09/2017 20:47

If Its at an end anyway would you feel happy about calling it out? That it's over?

Do you love your husband?

Aperolspritzer123 · 29/09/2017 20:48

OP What exactly do you want from this thread? Do you just want loads of people to tell you what a shit person you are? Because that's what's going to happen...
what about your DH? Why are you still with him? Don't you think you should separate as surely your marriage is a sham...?

user1499786242 · 29/09/2017 20:48

Your poor husband, and kids :(

Original poster
Therestweret8ken · 29/09/2017 20:48

True. I'd lose everything, my children, house, friends and family. Even my job would be difficult. Why did I do this when it wasn't even worth it? I thought I loved OM at one point but it was just lust because I couldn't have him. I can't work out why I've done this

OP posts:
Original poster
Therestweret8ken · 29/09/2017 20:51

Yes I'd be happy for it to be over, has been for a while even though we text as friends.
And yes I love DW but there's no sex. Our drives are different. I knew this before but was told it was circumstantial and would change. It hasn't.
I've always had self esteem issues and looked for approval from men to feel validated. Can't believe it's still lingering in my 30s. I'm so ashamed

OP posts:
Aperolspritzer123 · 29/09/2017 20:52

I mean 2,5 years is a long time! What's your marriage like?

Original poster
Therestweret8ken · 29/09/2017 20:53

Average I guess. Both work, children, mortgage.

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 29/09/2017 20:55

Ok are you in a same sex relationship or is the affair one?

It doesn't really matter though. You can't do this. You can't string two people along. End it with both of them until you find your own feet.

Original poster
Therestweret8ken · 29/09/2017 20:56

In same sex. Hetero affair

OP posts:
Original poster
Therestweret8ken · 29/09/2017 20:57

I know the ending it is the answer but I really, really can't. Is there a way back from this? To cut all contact & focus on my home. Has that worked for anyone? Surely not everyone on here has never been in an affair

OP posts:
Original poster
Therestweret8ken · 29/09/2017 20:59

I posted pre-preg about not thinking it was right but went ahead anyway because I felt like I had to. I've created such a mess

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 29/09/2017 21:00

Thanks,I only asked because everyone assumed you had a DH.

Do you want to be in a relationship with a man? Have you just been conditioned to seek their approval?

You're doing wrong and you will get torn apart here but what is it it YOU wAnt?

Aperolspritzer123 · 29/09/2017 21:02

So what you're saying is that you don't want to end the affair and you don't want to end your marriage either... or you do want to end the marriage but you're scared of losing everything? I think that something has to give - you can't go on like this can you? I mean it must be affecting your life in a massive way!

Original poster
Therestweret8ken · 29/09/2017 21:02

I just want to feel like I belong in my family life. I think that's why I've looked elsewhere so this feels wrong to me, like I can't be present.

Shit upbringing (not posting as an excuse) abuse not uncommon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Therestweret8ken · 29/09/2017 21:04

I want to end the affair (which is not happening now anyway but still get urge to get in touch with him. It's that I want to end.

I want my marriage. But need to work out if it's what I REALLY want or what I think I should want. If that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
Therestweret8ken · 29/09/2017 21:05

I just feel like I've left it to such a bad time to realise maybe marriage & kids wasn't what I wanted. After it's already happened. I have to stay for children

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 29/09/2017 21:06

What would make you happy? If it was me I would probably consider separation and trying to co-parent amicably. You sound like you could do with time on your own and getting comfortable solo. I come across a lot of people who stay in miserable marriage and have affairs just because they are shit scared of being on their own. Is that you?

I can tell you honestly that being on your own is better than being in a shit relationship with no sex. Then you are free to work out what you really want.

jeaux90 · 29/09/2017 21:06

You don't have to stay for the children that's bollocks.

flutterby12 · 29/09/2017 21:06

Are you bisexual? I'm just trying to understand if you're trying to figure out who you are.

I would tell your DW - she deserves that much.

Aperolspritzer123 · 29/09/2017 21:08

I don't think you can really want your marriage if you're being honest with yourself. If I were you I would try and coparent amicably and leave your DW and the OM. Sounds like you need some time to work yourself out.

Original poster
Therestweret8ken · 29/09/2017 21:09

I am.

I can't bear the thought of not seeing my children every day, for them to forget me or not be comfortable around me. DW primary carer and we live next door to her family, mine are miles away. I'd never get the children.

OP posts: