Need to get it out

[Therestweret8ken]

I am so scared writing this but I need to get it out. To see it written down, admitted to and ultimately torn apart by you lot is what will jolt me back from this.

2.5 years ago I started an affair. We've never referred to it as that, probably to try and minimise, but that's what it was.

We knew each other through work, different companies but same field, didn't sleep together but a lot of kissing. Afterwards we both found out neither were single. Emotional affair ensued. We did meet a few months later but I couldn't go through with it and left. Still, EA continued.

I fell pregnant (not by OM). Through pregnancy & mat leave we were NC but as soon as I got back to work it started up again. We slept together for the first time last autumn. I got engaged on NYE. OM & I spent the night away together in February.

Since then we've been in constant contact but EA has subsided & when we meet it's just as friends but with a definite spark still there. We often sext but that seems to have stopped lately. We might say goodnight with a kiss.

The thing is, I don't FEEL anything when I'm with him casually. It's more the enticement of it & the fantasy of it all when we're texting and not together.

I'm trying so hard not to get in touch but when it's been a constant for over two years it's hard to let that habit go.

I don't know why I'm posting. Things have been a bit odd between us the last couple of weeks & I guess I'm realising it's the end. I want it to be. Need it to be, it just feels weird.

I have to go. Will be reading replies.

Sorry for making assumptions you were referring to a husband.

You sound so confused and despite you doing a pretty shitty thing I actually feel quite sympathetic.

It does strike me that you love the marriage/stability/family ideals rather than actually loving your wife. That is kind of sad for both of you as you both deserve to be truly loved and sexually satisfied in addition to the family security stuff.

I also sympathise with your position and fears regarding not being able to guarantee your ongoing involvement/relationship with your children.

I previously worked with a woman who had kids with her wife, wife was biological mother but I believe they had a legal arrangement giving colleague pr too. My colleague had an affair (with a woman) and had absolutely all the same issues and concerns as you regarding the children, although in her case she did know she wanted to be with the other woman. In the end she came clean and ended her marriage. Initially her wife did use the kids as pawns and made things very difficult for colleague (understandably to a point, she had been cheated on after all) but ultimately once wife's hurt started to diminish she realised she actually needed the shared parenting approach to enable her to work/have a social life/start dating etc and they came to a very amicable arrangement. Just thought I'd share as there are aspects that may help. I think you need to be honest with yourself about what/who you really want from the heart as the rest of your life could be a very long time to live frustrated.

I'd lose everything, my children, house, friends and family. Even my job would be difficult. Why did I do this when it wasn't even worth it?

I've trawled your posts looking for any reference of your DW's feelings or wants or those of the kids, but typically this is just about you and your feelings only.

Your poor family