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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dealing with boasting friend

33 replies

BelleandBeast · 29/09/2017 20:00

I have a good friend who is lovely in many ways, except boasting about her house and the work being constantly done on it.

We struggle every month to pay the bills and have no spare money to ever do anything on the house. This week, I went to see her.

After a bit of a catch up, she said, come and see what we've had done:
new carpets, extension with new bedroom and ensuite, redecorated throughout, new windows and built in cupboards, built in wardrobes in all three bedrooms. Last year it was the new fitted kitchen. Then, see what I bought the DC, toys, clothes etc.

I didn't need to see it all or get the low down on exactly what is coming next - new cloakroom, new blinds, holiday in the algarve etczzzz.

It's fucking exhausting saying 'ooh lovely' and yes of course I'm jealous, we could fit our tiny house in the extension. But does she have to bang on about it every time. Am I being mean to want her to think of her audience and constantly not shove my face in her fancy house when she knows we struggle so much. Probably .

OP posts:

splendidisolation · 29/09/2017 20:04

Tell her her carpets look like shit and that the algarve is for cunts

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/09/2017 20:06

She might not realise it bothers you. She might think you are entirely happy as you are so never worries about showing you her new project.

You could actually say it to her kind of as a joke not joking, when she says come and look at what we've had done " Noooo! It makes me go home and hate my hovel! Show me your cupboard of doom and then I'm interested." It might be enough of a wake up call for her to realise what she's doing.

Original poster

BelleandBeast · 29/09/2017 20:15

I think I'm the friend people like having as they feel superior. I have very low self esteem as you can see.

OP posts:

Santawontbelong · 29/09/2017 20:18

Maybe she likes material things as other parts of her life are shit?
What is her dh like?

Thinkingofausername1 · 29/09/2017 20:39

Unfortunately there are some people that are very fixed on materialistic things. And she sounds very shallow if that's all she bangs on about. I feel your pain.

Original poster

BelleandBeast · 29/09/2017 20:58

Well, to be honest, we are both unhappy with our DPs. At least hers has a very good job and is financially savvy and that is why they can do all that stuff. Mine has led us into near financial ruin.

I have to say something as it makes me not want to see her. I do try and be positive, such as when I see her minimalist house, I must tidy up or have a throwing away session. So that is something I suppose. But its the lack of tact that actually leaves me tearful.

Maybe I could boast about how marvellous my DC are? I just don't know how to do it without inwardly cringing. How can she have so little insight????

OP posts:

splendidisolation · 29/09/2017 21:03

Why cant you just be honest?

Aminuts23 · 29/09/2017 21:04

This actually be more about your self esteem than her boasting. She's your friend. She wants to share things with you. I think that's natural. It's also natural to sometimes feel a bit jealous/envious. I do with my friends who have DC for example as I won't have any now. But I know they envy my income and freedom to do as I want. But I'm happy that they're happy and vice Verda at the end of the day because we're friends. Why do you feel so tearful? I'm sure your friend is not intending to hurt you in any way

mrsRosaPimento · 29/09/2017 21:19

Her husband makes her unhappy. The new things make her happy. I guess it gives her something to look forward to.

Angelf1sh · 29/09/2017 21:41

I think it's normal to be excited about having had an extension done and to want to show it off to her friends. If you've never indicated that it bothers you, why would she know? If you want to stay friends with her then you're going to have to tell her the truth. If she's a decent person then she'll immediately stop. If she doesn't appreciate where you're coming from then she's no loss anyway.

At this stage though I think you're possibly being a bit unfair and it's not necessarily boasting. It does sound like it might be you feeling a little inferior rather than her acting superior.

Original poster

BelleandBeast · 29/09/2017 21:59

I don't want to upset her splendid

Its not that she has done the house up, or wants me to share her joy, its the way that she insists I see every detail, look at the cupboards, hear all about it every time, the complaints about the mess when it was being done and wanting my sympathy, when she has seen our house and knows our situation and doesn't reign it in.

When I had children, I knew friends who wanted them so deliberately didn't gush as I know it's hard for others who may want what you have.
in our case, we need more space but can't extend/move (but I am mariekondo-ing so that might help)

I know I need to rise above it, as it may be a symptom of what mrsrosa says.

OP posts:

Offred · 29/09/2017 22:06

I think this is about her trying to find things to be happy about because she is unhappy with her P.

It makes you feel bad because you don't feel you have anything to be happy about.

I suggest you have that ^ discussion.

Original poster

BelleandBeast · 29/09/2017 22:23

Jesus Offred, HOW WISE, its true, apart from my DC and going running, I don't.

OP posts:

Offred · 29/09/2017 22:31

If you can share this with her you may both end up dealing with your real feelings in a mutually supportive and close way...

It doesn't always work that way, she might recoil from facing the truth of it and hide behind her 'nice' things but in truth if seeing her when she is in that mode is making you feel worse when you already feel bad I don't really see that you have much to lose by at least testing the waters about it.

ProseccoMamam · 29/09/2017 22:33

She's parading you around her house because she's proud of it and has put lots of money into making it so nice. Obviously she wants to show it off, but she isn't going to know it's upsetting you if you don't actually tell her that

opheliacat · 29/09/2017 22:34

Blimey.

Don't you think you're being a bit sensitive?

Offred · 29/09/2017 22:37

I don't think you are being sensitive BTW or that you have low self esteem (or at least this issue isn't saying that to me).

I think you feel very unhappy and worn down because your life is very unhappy and wearing at the moment.

Offred · 29/09/2017 22:44

At least hers has a very good job and is financially savvy and that is why they can do all that stuff. Mine has led us into near financial ruin.

^ this is the key to it really. Your resentment (for very good reasons) re your dp is being exposed by seeing the one way in which her p (who she is also unhappy with) does do well.

It's probably every single time making you see the massive 'fuck you' your dp has done to you and your kids by fucking all the finances.

LucieLucie · 29/09/2017 22:44

Blimey, you are not her true friend at all are you @BelleandBeast

Jealousy is a horrible thing.

Original poster

BelleandBeast · 29/09/2017 22:51

Of course I'm jealous, lucie I'm human too and actually I'm a very good friend, but if I say I'm worried we might lose the house and then she tells me about her new building work, Jesus Christ, only a saint would wonder at the tact of her!!

OP posts:

Offred · 29/09/2017 22:58

I think might be a negative feedback loop...

When you say you might lose the house (because of your dp) it reminds her she is unhappy with her dp and then she needs to self soothe by thinking about her 'nice things'?

Or she might just be tactless and not good for you ATM....

or I should be in bed and am over analysing

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2017 23:11

Is it that bald though op? Really? You say, god I’m so worried we may lose th house, and she responds with come see my new extension? Are you sure?

Because if it is, then clearly she lacks tact totally and any form of empathy.

If it’s not, and I suspect it’s not, then it’s your resentment end envy that’s making you react this way, she’s naturally wanting to show what she’s had done to her friend, there is no way for you to see it without it making you feel resentful and envious, but she’s clearly not understanding that you feel that way about her.

You need to tell her. Or you need to lose the friendship, or you need to suck it up to save the friendship and be happy for her. It’s one of these three options really.

kingfishergreen · 29/09/2017 23:16

I genuinely laughed at this, not one of those Internet 'spat out my coffee' laughs, either:

Tell her her carpets look like shit and that the algarve is for cunts

WhatsGoingOnEh · 29/09/2017 23:18

I think you’re being a bit selfish, OP. Sorry! But I do. She’s your FRIEND. She’s all happy with her house and wants to share every detail that she probably spent hours choosing.

I’m sorry you don’t have the money to do your house up. Neither do I, and I hate it. But it doesn’t reflect on us as people. It’s just money! It’s just a house! It’s not who we are.

So don’t let it make you feel bad about you. Life is so unpredictable - at the moment, your friend has more money than you do. But in a couple years, it could all change and you’ll be the one on the up. Wouldn’t you like to know that she’d be happy for you, no matter what?

Phoenix76 · 29/09/2017 23:18

It sounds to me like your friend also has self esteem issues. It's like she's seeking your approval, hence going into fine details, and these are the only things she has which she feels are "worth" anything. I don't think she's made the connection to your situation with her desperation to over compensate for her own "failings"' if that makes sense. Either way, agree with pp's a gentle discussion is needed.

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