Dealing with boasting friend

[BelleandBeast]

I have a good friend who is lovely in many ways, except boasting about her house and the work being constantly done on it.

We struggle every month to pay the bills and have no spare money to ever do anything on the house. This week, I went to see her.

After a bit of a catch up, she said, come and see what we've had done:
new carpets, extension with new bedroom and ensuite, redecorated throughout, new windows and built in cupboards, built in wardrobes in all three bedrooms. Last year it was the new fitted kitchen. Then, see what I bought the DC, toys, clothes etc.

I didn't need to see it all or get the low down on exactly what is coming next - new cloakroom, new blinds, holiday in the algarve etczzzz.

It's fucking exhausting saying 'ooh lovely' and yes of course I'm jealous, we could fit our tiny house in the extension. But does she have to bang on about it every time. Am I being mean to want her to think of her audience and constantly not shove my face in her fancy house when she knows we struggle so much. Probably .

I couldn't be friends with anyone like that - she sounds like a shallow show off.

I have a friend who never stops banging on, endless loud moaning, feelings of being victimized, her children being unfairly treated at school etc. interspersed with unashamed bragging.
One of the reasons I put up with it is because our daughters are best friends. The other is that I know she must have a slight screw loose as no one in their right mind would have so little self awareness.
She made me chuckle to myself the other day when she said she'd cut down on seeing another friend because all she did was moan and talk about herself!
About your friend OP, like mine, don't feel bad. It's her problem. She has a lack of self awareness and that won't change. If it annoys you, see her less.

I'm not sure addressing things, even gently, with these types of people works.
With my friend, if I tried that she would feel really offended and wounded without even beginning to see that she could tone it down.

I haven't RTFT, but I have to say as someone who has recently finished having a house completely renovated I suspect your friend is just excited to show you what's been done rather than being purposely boastful. In fact in our case we've had to put friends off at times as everyone wanted to come have a nose about.

Have a chat with her, she'd probably be mortified to know how it's made you feel.

I also laughed at the carpets and Algarve joke. The balls of some people .

I think there are two issues here.

1. Is your friend really lovely in every other way, as you say? That would be my primary question. It would be strange for someone to be boastful and shallow and insensitive about their material things to their friend, and be so great in every other way. Something about that doesn't compute (though I may be wrong). How much of your time together is spend admiring her cupboards because that would also be a test of a relationship's worth, for me anyway. I would find it very boring unless we were having a good laugh about it or admiring it artisically in some way at the same time. Or it would be too "me, me, me" I've had so many me, me, me friends and they are very draining because, yes, its all me, me, me. If she really is a good friend and really does have this one small blind spot perhaps I would just try and change the subject or meet her less (and not at her house!).

1. Yourself. Where I live I am definitely the church mouse living in poor quality social housing. People in my area openly pity me (insensitive idiots!). Its my circumstances that have led me here, and I would be lying if I said sometimes I don't feel a twang of envy and wish I had a peaceful garden to sit in, or a quiet cul de sac, or neighbours who weren't drug dealers. But I also have to remember, where I live is not who I am. I have to try and remember I am as worthy and wonderful as anyone else regardless of circumstances, and I have a right to enjoy and live my life as fully as I can, even with the limitations of some of those circumstances.

It's interesting you use the words boasting to describe your friend. Home improvements no matter how big or small do affect people's lives and I think it's natural for friends to talk about them. My poor house is falling down around us but I LOVE my friends talking and showing me their home improvements. I just find the positive changes they have made to how they live their lives so exciting for them. Have you considered that maybe your friend sees you as an equal friend and doesn't even consider your financial situation and that you may feel uneasy. I'm sorry you feel uneasy though - you should just tell her. And depending on her response decide from there if it's worth keeping her as a friend or not.

Nothing worse though than a friend not telling you about things that are happening in their life because they know you can't afford the same; it's very patronising, presuming you can't cope with the information.
As long as the friendship is balanced in other ways and it's not said in bragging tones that is.

I have been the equivalent to your friend. I once showed a friend around my new home after years of trying to get DH to move from a damp, smelly house which caused us so mamy problend and health issues. I was so happy and relieved to be in my new home, I walked my friend around happily and naively expecting her to be sharing in my joy too.
But it was obvious that she wasn't and I knew why without even having to ask. She had moved from rented accommodation to rented accommodation time and time again over recent years and was clearly yearning for what I had. It made me feel very sorry for her once I realised how I'd made her feel. I've never mentioned it and neither has she but I don't talk about my home anymore.
Our friendship hasn't really been the same since then, it's as she pulled herself away as a result of seeing my new nice big home. I felt quite lonely and upset as a result. Another friend pulled away around the same time too.
I guess my message is that to you it comes across as boasting but like people have said up thread, you can't really know what has or is going on in the background. It's only material... she's still the same person though.