Hi,
I know I probably shouldn't use this platform for advice as I don't have any kids but I saw how active and helpful this community is and thought it a good place to ask for help.
I'm a 23 guy and I've now been with my girlfriend/partner for 10 months now and am living in our own flat together.
Everything started off great, we met at work and got together after a night out with a few other work colleagues. We quickly became inseparable as I tend to rush into relationships and we spent all our free time together. It wasn't long until we told each other we loved the other but before she said this she warned me about her mental illness and problems. She has ADHD as well as BPD (borderline personality disorder) and told me that she had punched/thrown objects at/threatened her ex's in the past. Now I would have been worried but she had told me her ex's had sexually and violently abused her so I didn't take this that seriously as I presumed this was probably all in retaliation.
After a few months of a relatively normal relationship (a couple of arguments but otherwise fine) I fell out with my dad and moved out and into her parents house while we decided to save up and rent our own flat. We stayed there for a month or 2 with a few mor arguments. One consisting of her trashing her room and throwing me out the house and another in which she threatened to go the police and report me for a previous relationship I had with a 17 year old when I was 21 (nothing sexual happened until she was 18.
We then moved into the flat which is a half hour drive from my original home. The flat is so nice even though it's only a one bed. Everything was okay for a couple months but then my new job saw me working 6 days a week, 12 hour days. She began to become very argumentative. Texting me on my way into work telling me I was unbelievable for leaving her when she felt like sh*t that morning. Told me not to come back home when I finished because we were no longer together. Telling me that she was just going to kill herself and that she'd be dead when she got home. I'd then tell her I was going to get off at the next stop and come home to which she'd then cry saying we needed the money, that she was sorry and to carry on into work. This was pretty much every 2-3 days for a month.
In the end my depression came back and all I thought about was killing myself. I no longer saw my friends or family because any free time I had was spent with her because if I saw them or rather mentioned seeing them it became a verbal attack again because I wasn't spending my little free time with her. My work was miserable as it was a sales job and fully commission and I wasn't making that much money and every day with my gf was a guilt enduring verbal attack with threats of suicide and being told how shit I am.
I realise this is becoming lengthy so I will try to be more concise now. I ended up getting a new job in a hotel. This was okay at first but became stressful every shift due to them penny pinching and leaving me understaffed. My depression got worse and I have now ended up leaving the job as a result.
Whilst at the hotel we got in a lot more arguments with them now becoming more and more aggressive. She would put me in impossible situations where every response made her more angry. (she would later tell me that there wasn't a response that would have made her feel better or not get more angry at) I would end up not saying anything which would make her more angry to the point she would get in my face and say through gritted teeth how all she wanted to do was rip my face off/punch me in the face/smash the glass table and stab herself or me. She would throw stuff across the room or sweep everything off the table.
One night an argument such as this was going on and somehow we ended up in bed arguing with her getting more and more irritated. At one point she got up, sat on top of me, screamed in my face why I wasn't saying anything to which I said I don't know what to say. She then screamed in my face and tried to hit me in the face. Fortunately I managed to block it with my arms shielding my face but it's still hard knowing she tried to do this. Things went okay for a bit since then but quickly went back to being bad only now she would constantly ask if I'm scared she's going to hit me and she doesn't understand why I now go really quiet and look scared and sink into myself.
We've had lots of other arguments since, she's told me we're not together anymore about 8 times only to take it back an hour later when she's calmed down.
I went to my friends about a month ago after not seeing him for over a year (most of my friends I haven't seen since we've been together). I was there for an hour when she finished work and she began flipping out when I was still there when she finished work. She rang me screaming down the phone, saying clearly he was more important to me than her, told me not to dare going home, that we were over, that I was probably in bed with him and his girlfriend, that she was going to kill herself. I ended up leaving not long after breaking down infront of him to go and talk to her. I went home and we almost split up, I told her about all the things I didn't like that she did. Told her about my depression and that I wanted to kill myself. She promised to change and that she would get a hold of her temper.
Things were okay for a while but we've had a few arguments since. Each time I'm made to feel bad that she's scared to speak her mind incase I end up breaking up with her. I've told her that she can speak her mind but the things she argues about are things I have no control over.
More recently a couple weeks ago we were arguing and she began to get angry again. This time grabbing for knives for her to cut herself. I've had to put myself in between her and them to which she said if I didn't move she would hurt me and then stab me with the knives. Fast forward about an hour and she was telling me to kill myself. "We both aren't happy and want to die so why don't we do it, let's f*ing do it. Go on, get the knives, unless you're faking all this suicide talk."
Fast forward another half hour and we were sat on opposite ends of the couch with her being laid out with her legs facing me and once again I had no response to her questions. She told me if I didn't answer that she would kick me because that's all she wanted to do. I still didn't know what to say so she began pounding her legs into me until I managed to get up and away from the couch.
I know this is a really bad relationship and I've omitted a lot of things also but even just that is enough for me to see that I can't cary this on. Unfortunately I'm the lead tenant on the flat and we've still got 6 months left on it. When we almost split up she said that she wouldn't want to stay in the flat but I can't afford to stay here on my own. I wouldn't be able to get anyone to move in because it's only a one bed. Plus I'm scared if I try to split up with her again she'll get violent once again. I can't move back into my dad's as we're no longer speaking. I can't move into my mums as I would then have to leave my new job I enjoy as it would become too far to travel. I've had 3 jobs in 4 months, if I change again it will ruin my cv and future. I can't move into any of my friends house as I've not spoke to most of them for nearly a year.
In summary I can't move out. I can't afford to stay on my own. So financially I need her. I'm stuck with her for another 6 months but I don't think I could even handle that and my situation would probably be worse by that point too.
I know this was lengthy but I think just finally saying it all was helpful.
If anyone has an opinion on what they think I should do I would really appreciate it. Also sorry in advance if I don't check back in on this, I'm working a lot this weekend
Thanks