Please help *Domestic Abuse* Trapped

[Gambino]

Hi,

I know I probably shouldn't use this platform for advice as I don't have any kids but I saw how active and helpful this community is and thought it a good place to ask for help.

I'm a 23 guy and I've now been with my girlfriend/partner for 10 months now and am living in our own flat together.

Everything started off great, we met at work and got together after a night out with a few other work colleagues. We quickly became inseparable as I tend to rush into relationships and we spent all our free time together. It wasn't long until we told each other we loved the other but before she said this she warned me about her mental illness and problems. She has ADHD as well as BPD (borderline personality disorder) and told me that she had punched/thrown objects at/threatened her ex's in the past. Now I would have been worried but she had told me her ex's had sexually and violently abused her so I didn't take this that seriously as I presumed this was probably all in retaliation.

After a few months of a relatively normal relationship (a couple of arguments but otherwise fine) I fell out with my dad and moved out and into her parents house while we decided to save up and rent our own flat. We stayed there for a month or 2 with a few mor arguments. One consisting of her trashing her room and throwing me out the house and another in which she threatened to go the police and report me for a previous relationship I had with a 17 year old when I was 21 (nothing sexual happened until she was 18.

We then moved into the flat which is a half hour drive from my original home. The flat is so nice even though it's only a one bed. Everything was okay for a couple months but then my new job saw me working 6 days a week, 12 hour days. She began to become very argumentative. Texting me on my way into work telling me I was unbelievable for leaving her when she felt like sht that morning. Told me not to come back home when I finished because we were no longer together. Telling me that she was just going to kill herself and that she'd be dead when she got home. I'd then tell her I was going to get off at the next stop and come home to which she'd then cry saying we needed the money, that she was sorry and to carry on into work. This was pretty much every 2-3 days for a month.

In the end my depression came back and all I thought about was killing myself. I no longer saw my friends or family because any free time I had was spent with her because if I saw them or rather mentioned seeing them it became a verbal attack again because I wasn't spending my little free time with her. My work was miserable as it was a sales job and fully commission and I wasn't making that much money and every day with my gf was a guilt enduring verbal attack with threats of suicide and being told how shit I am.

I realise this is becoming lengthy so I will try to be more concise now. I ended up getting a new job in a hotel. This was okay at first but became stressful every shift due to them penny pinching and leaving me understaffed. My depression got worse and I have now ended up leaving the job as a result.

Whilst at the hotel we got in a lot more arguments with them now becoming more and more aggressive. She would put me in impossible situations where every response made her more angry. (she would later tell me that there wasn't a response that would have made her feel better or not get more angry at) I would end up not saying anything which would make her more angry to the point she would get in my face and say through gritted teeth how all she wanted to do was rip my face off/punch me in the face/smash the glass table and stab herself or me. She would throw stuff across the room or sweep everything off the table.

One night an argument such as this was going on and somehow we ended up in bed arguing with her getting more and more irritated. At one point she got up, sat on top of me, screamed in my face why I wasn't saying anything to which I said I don't know what to say. She then screamed in my face and tried to hit me in the face. Fortunately I managed to block it with my arms shielding my face but it's still hard knowing she tried to do this. Things went okay for a bit since then but quickly went back to being bad only now she would constantly ask if I'm scared she's going to hit me and she doesn't understand why I now go really quiet and look scared and sink into myself.

We've had lots of other arguments since, she's told me we're not together anymore about 8 times only to take it back an hour later when she's calmed down.

I went to my friends about a month ago after not seeing him for over a year (most of my friends I haven't seen since we've been together). I was there for an hour when she finished work and she began flipping out when I was still there when she finished work. She rang me screaming down the phone, saying clearly he was more important to me than her, told me not to dare going home, that we were over, that I was probably in bed with him and his girlfriend, that she was going to kill herself. I ended up leaving not long after breaking down infront of him to go and talk to her. I went home and we almost split up, I told her about all the things I didn't like that she did. Told her about my depression and that I wanted to kill myself. She promised to change and that she would get a hold of her temper.

Things were okay for a while but we've had a few arguments since. Each time I'm made to feel bad that she's scared to speak her mind incase I end up breaking up with her. I've told her that she can speak her mind but the things she argues about are things I have no control over.

More recently a couple weeks ago we were arguing and she began to get angry again. This time grabbing for knives for her to cut herself. I've had to put myself in between her and them to which she said if I didn't move she would hurt me and then stab me with the knives. Fast forward about an hour and she was telling me to kill myself. "We both aren't happy and want to die so why don't we do it, let's fing do it. Go on, get the knives, unless you're faking all this suicide talk."

Fast forward another half hour and we were sat on opposite ends of the couch with her being laid out with her legs facing me and once again I had no response to her questions. She told me if I didn't answer that she would kick me because that's all she wanted to do. I still didn't know what to say so she began pounding her legs into me until I managed to get up and away from the couch.

I know this is a really bad relationship and I've omitted a lot of things also but even just that is enough for me to see that I can't cary this on. Unfortunately I'm the lead tenant on the flat and we've still got 6 months left on it. When we almost split up she said that she wouldn't want to stay in the flat but I can't afford to stay here on my own. I wouldn't be able to get anyone to move in because it's only a one bed. Plus I'm scared if I try to split up with her again she'll get violent once again. I can't move back into my dad's as we're no longer speaking. I can't move into my mums as I would then have to leave my new job I enjoy as it would become too far to travel. I've had 3 jobs in 4 months, if I change again it will ruin my cv and future. I can't move into any of my friends house as I've not spoke to most of them for nearly a year.

In summary I can't move out. I can't afford to stay on my own. So financially I need her. I'm stuck with her for another 6 months but I don't think I could even handle that and my situation would probably be worse by that point too.

I know this was lengthy but I think just finally saying it all was helpful.

If anyone has an opinion on what they think I should do I would really appreciate it. Also sorry in advance if I don't check back in on this, I'm working a lot this weekend

Thanks

[Hissy]

If I leave her I really do believe she would try to kill herself, if she did and I phoned 911 she'll probably be sectioned due to her BPD and she'll lose her job and have her life ruined.

All of that would be her decision.

Please call Mankind? please get your money safe and get out of there as quickly and cleanly as possible

this is the most dangerous phase of your relationship.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Take control. Stay with a friend tonight. Go to the bank and move half your money (or whatever proportion is rightfully yours) today.

Just leave. TODAY. Text her when you're somewhere safe to say you've left.

If she starts threatening suicide, call the police (and her parents) as they will have to intervene if she is being a danger to herself (and anyone else) and it might actually means she gets the psychological assessment she obviously needs.

Good luck, this sounds like a miserable way to live and you don't deserve that.

[OnTheRise]

The next time you're alone at the flat, pack your essentials and leave.

Go to the bank and take out all your money. Leave hers in the joint account, because you don't want to steal anything that's not yours.

Go to your mum's and tell her everything, then send your GF a text telling her your relationship is over, and you don't want her to contact you ever again.

Hand your keys back to the estate agent when you know your GF won't be at their office.

Block her on your phone, your social media, everywhere.

If you see her walking towards you on the street, turn round and walk away. If she phones you, don't take the call. Have no contact with her whatsoever.

If she decides to hurt herself that's her decision.

If you get a message from her telling you she's going to self-harm, phone 999 and send them round but do not contact her for any reason.

You can do this.

[Gambino]

@wellfuckmeinbothears I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through something so awful and for such a long time too. I'm so glad you told me about your past though because it does seem scarily similar to how my own story is going.

The attacks aren't regular but they are getting that way, none for the first 6 months, then she hit me for the first time with promises it won't happen again. Nothing then for 3 months I think until she kicked me repeatedly and told me to kill myself.
Then 1-2 months later when she attacked me twice in one night and threatened to kill me.

I can't see my friends, even ones she's never met. Can't see my work friends because she hates them too. We see her family quite a lot but when it comes to seeing mine, she'll moan if we stay longer than a couple hours or will start getting angry before we leave until I concede and we don't go.

If I'm texting on my phone, she has to know who it is and if she doesn't like them then that will turn into a 3-6 hour long lecture on why I shouldn't text/like them.

I was off work today and planned on going to the bank like I mentioned earlier but I didn't end up going as I've been full of cold for a couple days and just needed to rest.

She rang me when she finished work to see if we wanted to go Christmas shopping tonight. I said I had no money but we could go anyway which was fine at that time. The conversation continued until I told her I was going to play football later on at 9 (I normally play when I'm not working a Thursday evening) so we would have to be back by then if we went.

Her mood switched. "you're not honestly going to f**king football tonight are you?" I replied that my ankles all healed and my colds on its way out. She started shaming me, name calling, blaming me for ruining the evening until I caved and text my friend saying I won't be able to make it.

She got back from work and the lecturing carried on until the topic changed to me not being in love with her anymore and how she doesn't accept it. She says I'm either still in love with her or I never was because according to her
" if I ever actually loved her it wouldn't matter if she'd hit me 4 times"
I couldn't believe she actually said that. What's even worse is that I didn't even argue with her about it. I just told her that I did love her back then. I feel so cowardly and stupid.

She then told me that I had too high expectations of what a girlfriend is supposed to be like and that they would all check my phone, scream, throw things and hit me so I need to get over it!

I fully regret not leaving today on my day off. I can really see that things are just going to get worse. There's times when I kind of forget how bad it is when we're getting along and then I have days like this. And this isn't even one of the worst days.

I don't know when my next day off is yet and I'm working the rest of the weekend or spending it with her. I'm sorry I haven't taken your advise to leave yet. I really should have gone today but I will be leaving on my next day off. Thank you once again for all of the advice and support. I probably won't be back in touch until after the weekend now.

Speak soon

[OldWitch00]

just walk out the door and go to a hotel.

[Labradoodliedoodoo]

Leave. Go to your mums. You’ll find another job.

[Wellfuckmeinbothears]

Thank you, I am so so glad I got out when I did. I did actually press charges and go to court where he was found guilty of assault by beating and battery. But it was a long and difficult path to get out of the mind set that I deserved it, this was all my fault. Even now I look over my shoulder afraid he’s going to come after me. I’m in a stable, loving relationship now with the kindest, gentlest, funniest, sweetest man I’ve ever known and had no idea I could ever be this happy. I still have the scars, physically and mentally, from what that “man” did to me but with the support of my friends and family and DP I am finally moving on. You can too. Please just at the next available opportunity leave. Go to your mums. I understand that after isolating your friends because of her you might be concerned they don’t want to know anymore as that’s how I felt when I left but honestly everyone I knew was just so relieved I had finally got out of there, they knew if I’d stayed he’d have eventually killed me. All my friends and family welcomed me with open arms. And yours will too.

I also did the freedom programme which helped me enormously.

You may have loved her once, but she has never loved you. She’ll be good at convincing you that she does but you don’t treat someone you love the way she’s treating you. You need to leave as soon as you can, she’s going to get worse and worse. I always thought with every beating that was as bad as it could possibly get but he would always get worse. It was torture.

Please feel free to pm me if you need to talk.

[bibliomania]

You sound like you've made up your mind, but just in case - definitely don't wait for the funeral. Then it will be Christmas and how you can leave then, then it will be January and how can you leave her in the most depressing month etc etc.

You don't have to wait till your next day off either. Call in sick if you have to. Even if you have to leave your stuff behind, that's okay (although make sure you're not alone if you need to go back later to collect it, and be aware she might damage any belongings you leave).

If you're in the UK, the emergency number is 999, not 911.

[Gambino]

@wellfuckmeinbothears I'm so happy to hear that your life's improved so much and I'm hoping mine can too. A lot of what you've said to me has really resonated and I'm convinced I need to leave.

I don't really know what to do at the moment though. She's decided to get a new car on finance on Wednesday which is my only day off this week. I don't want it to seem like I've waited until she's got less expendable income so that I can leave and keep the flat.

At this point I honestly don't care about the flat, which is what I would say to her but I'm worried it will come off as a lie now and she will use it against me.

Another problem I'm having is its going to be our 1 year anniversary on Friday. I asked for the evening off but one of my coworkers has just left and we're really short staffed at the moment and I couldn't get it off. I basically have to work it, so in a normal situation I would arrange for us to go out Wednesday but that will just make things worse if I leave in the day, don't pick her new car up with her and don't go to our anniversary dinner. I still haven't told her that I'm working Friday because I'm so scared of her reaction. I'll have to tell her when she gets back from work tonight though.

If I don't leave Wednesday then my only days off next week will be ones I've booked off for her uncle's funeral and I can't leave then. After that point it will be really close to Christmas.

I feel like my choices are to leave Wednesday but just seem like the worst person ever.

Or leave in a couple weeks, have to fake the relationship more, deal with more potential abuse in that time and then leave just before Christmas.

I'm really stuck if anyone would like to give me their opinion I would really appreciate it.

The more I'm reading up on it, the more I'm realising this is domestic abuse and most people say that it WILL get really serious and I could get killed or is that being overdramatic?

[Wellfuckmeinbothears]

Leave Wednesday. You cannot wait. I know it’s easy for me to sit here and say that and how incredibly difficult it is to actually leave especially when she hasn’t hurt you for a couple of weeks but you need to keep in mind that she WILL hurt you again. She’s abusive, abusers don’t just change. You can’t help her with her mental health. If you leave Wednesday the only person who will see you as the worst person ever is her and no matter what you do she will see and treat you as that when you’re not. You’re being abused and you need to get out before she gets worse because it will always get worse until she eventually ends up killing you. There is never a good time to leave but you can’t let anything delay you whether that’s a new car, uncles dying or Christmas but I just can’t stress how urgent it is that you leave now. I know how hard it will be but trust me your life will only get better once she’s out of it.

Thinking of you

[Wellfuckmeinbothears]

Oh and no, you’re not being over dramatic. This is domestic abuse and she could very easily end up killing you.

[cornishmumtobe]

Leave Wednesday. You're in an incredibly dangerous situation with a very unstable GF. I don't want to hear about you in the news

[MrsMoastyToasty]

Get your bank to freeze your joint account.
Open a sole account. Use your mum's address for correspondence.
Get your wages paid into the sole account.
Seek advice from Shelter regards ending your tenancy.
Speak to your employer about protecting you in the workplace.

[OnTheRise]

Stop worrying about when: it's never going to be the right time. This person is abusing you. Sort out your finances tomorrow (Mrs MoastyToasty makes some good suggestions; take the day off sick if you have to) and as soon as it's done, just go.

Don't tell her before you go. Tell her by text, once you're out. Don't give her the opportunity to bully you again.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Leave on Wednesday.

You are in danger.

She is mentally unstable and one of the phrases you used in your original post which sent chills through me was:

I've had to put myself in between her and them to which she said if I didn't move she would hurt me and then stab me with the knives.

Seriously, do not be worrying about her car or the flat. Please PLEASE worry about yourself and put yourself first.

[Labradoodliedoodoo]

Sod the job. I’m sure if they knew tgey would want you to leave.

Leave straight away. Now is better.

[HelenUrth]

No matter what you do she's going to think you're the worst person ever.

This is going on and on and on and on - you can't please her no matter what you do. So please don't worry about what she thinks. As a matter of interest did you ever record any of her rants? This is no way to live for anyone.

From a previous post I think in addition to any mental health issues, her mother isn't much good and possibly is partly responsible for the appalling behaviour your girlfriend exhibits.

Your safety is the most important thing of all, please get out now. Don't tell her in advance, just get out. You surely know your parents, friends, employers etc. do not want you to be murdered. Even if she doesn't kill you she could injure you in a life-changing way. You're actually in real danger here, get out! Please.

[Sancerresanwine]

Leave now. She is unstable and dangerous. Get real life support. Do not tell her and cut all contact. Apply for a non molestation order if necessary. Wishing you all the best

[Crispbutty]

You need to leave now. Material things can be replaced. You work in hospitality so you can find a live in job. I'm in Devon and I know of several that are available right now. Get your clothes and leave. She is not your problem to fix.

I fled an abusive marriage when he tried to kill me. I was lucky. I left with nothing, and when the police went to arrest him for attacking me he was in the front garden pouring oil all over my clothes, personal possessions and anything else he could find of mine. He was and still is an unstable dangerous person.

I slept on a mates bedroom floor. I had nothing and I was 42.

I'm now in my own house, with a partner I love to bits, working full time and although we don't have much materially we are bloody happy.

Life is too short.

Just leave. As soon as you can.

[SofaKing0101]

Hello Gambino
My son has BPD and I know exactly what you are going through. You want to do whats best, but then you get your head ripped off!

Upthread you wrote that she can lecture you for 3-6 hours. My son does this, we call them monologues, during these monologue, he paces, up and down up and down for hours!! I am a bit luckier than you, because he can see that I just zone out and he doesn't expect any replies..in the old days when i didn't know anything about BPD, I would defend myself and it would turn into an argument, just like you are doing now.

I understand that it completely knocks you down and everything you say back, is turned back on you, so everything then becomes your fault, and your sitting there thinking "what did I do"??????? Borderlines are the masters of manipulation.

So first rule - DO NOT ENGAGE!
Second rule - -LEAVE ASAP it is not going to get any better. EVER! EVER!
It simply DOESN'T matter what she says to you - half the time she will know inside her that she is A. treating you badly and B. that you will leave. She knows this already. When she calms down, I expect she's as nice as can be, yes? It is typical push me pull you behaviour.
But you DO have to leave, and I'm glad you are nearly convinced.
You wrote that you are so scared of her reaction because of the dinner. That is no way to live for a young lad. Leave when you can and don't look back. You cannot fix this or make it better.

Do what the others have suggested regarding banking and stuff, and as an aside, I hope you are not being roped into the car finance.

You will not be the worst person ever. You will be saving your own sanity! Trust me - I know.

[bibliomania]

You are not helping her by stringing things out. It doesn't matter when you go, she'll portray you as a terrible person anyway. You can't leave in a way or a time that she's going to look. Stop looking for this validation.

If you can't go today, go tomorrow.

[OnTheRise]

Leave now. The sooner the better.

Don't worry about looking like "the worst person ever". Just get yourself out of there, and safe.

[Dottie39]

I cannot imagine how hard this is for you, bit you know you have to leave and put your own safety first. You can control your actions, not hers. Pack a bag and go to your mum's. Call the police from there. Call the bank and explain the situation, they should be able to organise a new pin if you go in with ID. Once you are out, and the immediate fear and risk has gone you will be able to think more clearly.
She cannot hurt you once you have left.

As an aside, 17 is not illegal so you don't have to worry about that.

Please keep talking to us when you safely can, you will get great support and advise here.

[MatildaTheCat]

In certain respects you could be my son. He’s recently confided that his long term gf has serious issues and is emotionally volatile and has many very worrying behaviours that basically only he sees.

On one hand he loves her. On another he doesn’t want this huge problem to blight his life, too. I see it affecting other choices he makes and I see him struggling to get his career up and running. Chaos in one area of life tends to spill into all other areas.

I sincerely hope you will leave and preserve your health and well being. You cannot fix her. The date will never be right. The same goes for him.

On an aside, be absolutely certain she hasn’t put you at any risk on the car purchase. Forged your name or signature or added you as guarantor? Protect yourself at all costs.

[Mrsyorkie]

I think people asked where you are living because you'd said you'd call 911 so presumed you were in the USA.

You have to leave very soon. You need to just do it and stop going over and over things. I know that sounds harsh but there will always be something to stay for- car purchase... funeral... etc.

• speak to you mum on the phone. You dont have to go into everything just yet. Tell her you need to leave and stay with her for now and you'll explain when you see her.
  

-maybe let your manager know that you're going to be going through a split and there may be repercussion (turning up at work)

-ring in sick. Pack your things/what you need. Don't leave anything she can destroy and that you need.

-go to the back with your I.d and withdraw what is yours from the joint account.

• leave. Call her and tell her it's over. Get a new number. Don't loom back.
  

You really need to focus on this and just go. Otherwise you're leaving yourself in a very risky situation. I hope you do this soon. We're all here for some online support!