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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend gone traveling what would you do?

54 replies

buzzpopprince · 28/09/2017 23:48

Been seeing BF since early Jan, we are very loved up generally and making future plans.
I knew when we began dating that he wanted to go traveling to Europe in a camper. I went with him for the first part of the trip in mid August , it was wonderful, I came home after eleven days and left him there. (Have DD who has just gone to Uni). I have flown back and forth twice now to him, with another trip planned next week. I have been bel to do some of my work from there.
He has no specified return date, nor home or job to return too. Our stuff is together in storage with the idea we would live together on his return... until then I'm renting a room and am also doing other traveling in Jan /feb (why my furniture is in storage)
I'm feeling weird about it all... communication is just whataspp when we are apart, he doesn't like to speak on the phone too much... things are always brilliant when we are together though.... but it feels disconnected. I know he misses me, nd I want to support him in what he is doing but I find it hard doing life and work in London without him there at times, just missing him I suppose.
I'm worrying about how he will pay rent / deposit when he is back if we share. No I don't know when that will be. I know the rational thing to do is to get on with my life and not build him into it and I am trying to do that... I'm not ace with boundaries though, nd I might struggle to stick to that if he returned and didn't have nywhere to live.
I worry that I'm going over there regularly and that keeps us going, and it's me doing the leg work.. I wonder if I shouldn't just leave him to his dream, and his trip...and see where he is when / if he gets back . We talked about having children too but we really don't have long, he is fourth three and I am fourty
What would you do?

OP posts:

Joysmum · 29/09/2017 06:16

Have you had this conversation with him?

Vitalogy · 29/09/2017 06:26

What about staying out there with him, or do you feel like you need a home base. Maybe he's a free spirit not for settling and the children talk was just that, talk.

Joysmum · 29/09/2017 06:33

It's only been 8 months and then he's been away and it has been a whatsapp relationship.

If think you need to check on with living and I can't help that think it was all too early to be putting stuff in storage together to move in together, let alone talk about kids.

This is way to quick.

Bekabeech · 29/09/2017 06:33

You haven’t been together long.
I would strongly suggest getting on with your life. Part of the unsettled feeling must be from you having your stuff in storage and just living in a room.
How does your DD feel about having no “home to come home to”?
I know people who are digital nomads, and thats fine if that is what you want. But is it?

Gorgosparta · 29/09/2017 07:06

Why are you living in a room? With your stuff in storage.

I get that you are travelling next year. But it really feels your kife is revolving round him. You 'our stuff' is in storage.

You were with this man a few months before he went travelling. And now you are living your life around travelling to see him while he is on an extended holiday.

You ard hanging round living in a single room, waiting for him when he has no clue when he will come back. He has no home or job here. How will you live together when he has no income?

Gorgosparta · 29/09/2017 07:06

Also how do you know you would be compatible and workout livimg together?

TheNaze73 · 29/09/2017 07:10

Let him enjoy his travelling & worry about it when he's back.

I agree with Joysmum

LellyMcKelly · 29/09/2017 07:30

So, 8 months, he's cleared off in a camper van and doesn't know if/when he's coming back, has no job or home, and you're worried about him? You need to worry about yourself - make sure you are secure and have the home you want, and open yourself to new relationships with people who are still actually in this country. If this man can travel round the world in a camper van he can find a job and a home when he needs to. He is definitely not your responsibility.

JeNeSuisPasVotreMiel · 29/09/2017 07:43

Why on earth would you put all your stuff in storage with his and then live in a room waiting for his return? You haven't even been together a year and you're already making massive concessions for this person.

Talking about having kids together when you don't even know when he's coming back?
Wow, he has all his options wide open doesn't he?

OliviaStabler · 29/09/2017 07:50

I'd carry on with my life. I'd think he was using me as an insurance blanket while he was away. I'd think that we could pick things up when he returned, if he returned to me.

Changebagsandgladrags · 29/09/2017 08:01

Ok what I would do:

After travelling in Jan I'd look for a more permanent place to live and get my stuff out of storage. I'd live independently and if BF comes back after another 6 months I'd give it a bit more time before moving in together.

Russiantoffee · 29/09/2017 08:05

Don't have a baby with someone who has no job, no home, and no concrete plans.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/09/2017 08:21

I thought you were going to say he is 22...

MaidenMotherCrone · 29/09/2017 08:23

I'd give my head a wobble and stop being a mug!

eyebrowseyebrows · 29/09/2017 08:34

What would I do?

Take a break from the relationship, no drama, just 'you do your thing, I'll do mine and we'll see what happens in the future if we end up on the same page'

Go travelling next year and then sort out a proper base for myself on return, get my stuff out of storage and leave his there

Stop travelling to meet him unless I genuinely want to visit where he is and then just keep it casual (see point one)

Go to counselling to work on my issues with setting and maintaining boundaries

Make a list of things I'd like to do, see, experience, learn, etc between now and Jan to keep myself busy and my life full and interesting without needing a man.

Isetan · 29/09/2017 08:41

If you're having to ask us, then you don't know him well enough, especially not well enough to be planning on moving in together and kids. Slow down and stop putting your life on hold for someone who you don't know we'll enough to be honest about how you feel.

Trills · 29/09/2017 08:44

Your stuff is in storage with his stuff - Even if you take your stuff away are you committed to paying for half of the storage space until he decides to come back?

Happinesssssss · 29/09/2017 08:44

What happened to your own home?

Happinesssssss · 29/09/2017 08:55

It does read as if you are both in your 20s.

WhoPoppedMyBalloon · 29/09/2017 09:00

Let me guess who is paying to store his stuff... would that be you?

So, 8 months, he's cleared off in a camper van and doesn't know if/when he's coming back
He's made it clear where you factor into his life - and that is nowhere at all. Move on!

Ellisandra · 29/09/2017 09:48

WhoPOpped stole my question!

I'm betting that it's you paying for the storage.

splendidisolation · 29/09/2017 09:49

Please dont waste too much energy on this man.

He may be nice and lovely.

Chances are he is too drifty and flakey and will let you down. See him when he's in town, maybe arrange a holiday with him. But meet other guys and get your stuff out of storage.

invisiblecats · 29/09/2017 09:58

I was going to say this happened with my friends and it's fine, he's come back from travelling and they're really happy - but they're in their 20s!

If you want a baby you need to get a move on. You're 40 not 30.

You've an adult child - do you really want another baby now?

If you weren't wanting a baby then, well, you've waved your child off to uni, why not go explore the world woth this guy if that's possible.

But if you want kids together it can hardly happen if you're not in the same country can it?

Original poster

buzzpopprince · 29/09/2017 10:06

Thank you for your replies, bit of a wake up call.

I did know he was going from the start and that is why I find it hard to assert myself now, because I don't really think it is working well for me.
When we are together we are really happy, he is a kind man, really lovely person. He has said he sees a future with me and that he loves me, but now he has been gone a while I wonder about it.
My stuff is in storage because I'm traveling to USA and Canada in January, and my tenancy cane to an end. I had always planned to travel a little after DD left home (dealing with empty nest). My plan is to get a home again in Feb/march when I return, and for my DD to come back from Uni from at Christmas we will go to my mums).
He is paying for the storage, I offered to pay half. It would be easy to get my stuff out.
I have to stay in London as I run a business here, and I guess nievely thought I could do some working away and see him. I do quite like that life, though not forever, and we got on very well traveling and staying in a small space.
I have talked about it with him initially, he he says that he's only managed to get there because I supported him , and that he just wants us to be together wherever we are...he's talking about going to Spain next though.

OP posts:

millifiori · 29/09/2017 10:13

I don't really think it is working well for me.
And that's OK. Things were great. You knew they'd change. They changed. And now they're not great. You're allowed to decide this doesn't work for you. It sounds as though you've accidentlaly got yourself into a situation where your life is on hold for him.

But you're also travelling in Jan. So you have a short space of three months until then which you can use as a project to do somehting that makes you feel good. Earn as much money as possible for the trip, or for a deposit for your return. After such a short relationship with both of you off and out in the world having adventures, you may as well see what happens when you both get back, rather than pouring energy into keeping it alive.

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