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Original poster

Boyfriend gone traveling what would you do?

54 replies

buzzpopprince · 28/09/2017 23:48

Been seeing BF since early Jan, we are very loved up generally and making future plans.
I knew when we began dating that he wanted to go traveling to Europe in a camper. I went with him for the first part of the trip in mid August , it was wonderful, I came home after eleven days and left him there. (Have DD who has just gone to Uni). I have flown back and forth twice now to him, with another trip planned next week. I have been bel to do some of my work from there.
He has no specified return date, nor home or job to return too. Our stuff is together in storage with the idea we would live together on his return... until then I'm renting a room and am also doing other traveling in Jan /feb (why my furniture is in storage)
I'm feeling weird about it all... communication is just whataspp when we are apart, he doesn't like to speak on the phone too much... things are always brilliant when we are together though.... but it feels disconnected. I know he misses me, nd I want to support him in what he is doing but I find it hard doing life and work in London without him there at times, just missing him I suppose.
I'm worrying about how he will pay rent / deposit when he is back if we share. No I don't know when that will be. I know the rational thing to do is to get on with my life and not build him into it and I am trying to do that... I'm not ace with boundaries though, nd I might struggle to stick to that if he returned and didn't have nywhere to live.
I worry that I'm going over there regularly and that keeps us going, and it's me doing the leg work.. I wonder if I shouldn't just leave him to his dream, and his trip...and see where he is when / if he gets back . We talked about having children too but we really don't have long, he is fourth three and I am fourty
What would you do?

OP posts:

user1499786242 · 29/09/2017 10:16

It's very different spending some time with someone on holiday to actually living with them
Please just consider that before making future plans and having a baby!

Gr3ydayy · 29/09/2017 10:37

You could choose to have a baby with your partner and he could disappear off on his travels without you forever. You will both be on separate travels for the next few months, why don't you enjoy these and see what happens in 6 months time. If you want to travel together in the future how would you afford? Spending 11 days with some one on holiday is not the same as longer travel plans. Why would you want to add a baby, when you both have travel plans?

Isetan · 29/09/2017 10:44

You haven't known him very long and for the foreseeable future, traveling is his priority not you or your relationship.

The real problem is that you've made someone a priority who sees you as an option.

You may want the same things but you don't appear to be on the same schedule and your age/fertility further complicates things. Biologically he has the time and you don't.

Brahms3rdracket · 29/09/2017 11:39

You're way too over invested after such a short time and are delaying your plans to work around him while he carries on regardless.

At your age you must know that talk of children is pure fantasy right now and tbh he doesn't have a job or home, is acting like a flaky teenager presumably spending any money he has travelling until he's run out and has to come back. He's in no position to start a family with you.

Are you sure you're not a convenient back up plan when he needs a roof over his head?

Original poster

buzzpopprince · 29/09/2017 11:42

The baby is obvs not planned while we were traveling! For next year when we are both back... we are both open to it if it happens then.

Isetan - that really resonated, about priorities..hard to acknowledge though, so thank you

OP posts:

NC4now · 29/09/2017 11:52

Do you have a touch of deferred wanderlust? I know I do at 40 I wonder if you two are at the same place in life.
And does he have any children? It's been a bit of an issue for DH and I, this.
He did loads of travelling when he was young and is quite happy to settle down into family life middle age now. I did the family thing younger and want to see the world.
We get round it by taking lots of holidays, some with the DCs and some while they are with their dad.
I just wonder how compatible you two are and if you both fancy a taste of what the other has had?

Original poster

buzzpopprince · 29/09/2017 12:07

Nc4now - that's an interesting observation. Yes there is definitely some of that I think. He has no children, and would like one. He envy's the experience I have had, and says until he met me he had given up on it.
I always wanted to travel and had a baby young so couldn't, so definitely have the wanderlust... hence thinking I could make it work going backwards and forwards ... and to an extend it did. I'm worrying about when he does come back though, as PP said, he is using all his money until it runs out and getting into debt. Where do we/our future come into that?

OP posts:

NC4now · 29/09/2017 12:41

I really relate to that, and picked it up as soon as I read your post. I loved the baby years, in my early 20s, but envied my friends travel tales. I promised myself I'd catch up later.
That's all cool, but if your bf has been doing that for 20 years, you'll have different experiences. Does he actually have any roots? Because the benefit of doing family young is that you are in a solid place now to explore, with a home to come back to. You seem to have given up your stability. No wonder you feel unsettled.

If it's wanderlust for you, are you ready to give it all up after a year and go back to being at home with a baby? For me, I feel like I've earned my freedom. Not that having children is a bad thing. I enjoyed them being little, but I gave up a lot of myself, as all mum's do.
Now I'm getting me back, I don't want to go back to changing nappies. I crave broader horizons.

Your feelings may be very different from mine, but I thought I'd share i case any of it resonates.

Trills · 29/09/2017 12:44

Do not have a baby with a man you haven't known that long while you are feeling empty-nest-ish.

Just don't.

Trills · 29/09/2017 12:46

Where do we/our future come into that?

You don't. He's not thinking about you. He likes having you visit him, but he's not thinking about your future at all.

I'm not sure if he's even thinking about his future but he's definitely not thinking about yours.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 29/09/2017 12:51

It's funny that just as your daughter has left home you are thinking of starting again. If you did that now, you'd be 60 when you'd be in the same position again - you'd just be repeating those years!

This guy may be nice - I'm sure he is - but please don't think about having a baby with him. Get any travelling out of your own system but don't sit waiting for him to return.

Dowser · 29/09/2017 12:53

Love this
The real problem is that you've made someone a priority who sees you as an option.

Take a big step back op. You've been blinded by his charm.
Unless you want to be a single mum in your 40s do not have a baby with this man.

Take a big step back and see if he takes a step forward then you'll have your answer.
Right now he's having his cake....

Isetan · 29/09/2017 12:59

Right back at ya Dowser,

Take a big step back and see if he takes a step forward.

Do this OP

NC4now · 29/09/2017 13:04

What has he been doing for the last 20 years?

Original poster

buzzpopprince · 29/09/2017 13:08

Re his traveling, he has worked since he was 16 and this had been on the cards for this year before he met me. He gave up his job a couple of weeks before he left but it is one he could probably pick back up.

You are right though, he is just thinking about him and his goals, and that's ok. But I need to do the same for me.
It seems very severe to finish it though, I do love him. I think if he thought I would leave him he would come back....I don't want to give out an ultimatum though, I want us both to be happy

OP posts:

DianaT1969 · 29/09/2017 13:34

Can you bring forward your own travel plans to now? Or work abroad in a country you like for a while? Then you're not waiting for him and renting a room in an expensive city. You might both be in the same country, ready to move in together in 6-8 months time.

NC4now · 29/09/2017 13:40

So this is more of a gap year for him then, before he settles down, and you'd like to do the same?
That doesn't sound like too bad a plan, but I think you need to combine your efforts and see how it goes. I think in your shoes I'd be prioritising travelling together and only once you've done that and lived together in the real world (as in not travelling, paying bills, sharing chores etc) think about having a baby, if that is what you really want.

yetmorecrap · 29/09/2017 13:41

I would get on with life in a 'normal way' for you-- that means your own place etc and then see how it goes. Imagine if he contacted you in 3 months to say 'oh, have met someone else' bye! and you have in the meantime put your life on hold, if it is to be, then it will be, regardless of how you set up your own personal situation for a while. As someone else correctly said, you have prioritised him whereas for him you are a option at a time when he fancies a bit of 'free spiritness'

Quelto4 · 29/09/2017 13:46

Why are you putting your life on hold. Shame he doesn't like the phone. Re connect when he's through travelling, meanwhile get out there.

Cricrichan · 29/09/2017 19:56

It seems like you're both on the same page... I'd say since you were going to travel anyway, then carry on in a relationship with him and see where it takes you. If next year you realise he's flakey and doesn't intend on settling down, then do what you want to do. But if he does his travelling, comes back, picks his job back up and you both decide you want kids then that's great.

Before him, had you wanted to have more kids?

sonjadog · 29/09/2017 20:04

I think as the poster above said you have made someone a priority who sees you as an option. It´s easy done when emotions get involved - I´ve done it myself many times. You and this guy might work out - or you might not. Only time will tell. But for now, get your focus back where it should be, on the traveling plans you have been working towards for years and focus on enjoying your life here and now. Let the future with this guy take care of itself.

JeNeSuisPasVotreMiel · 30/09/2017 07:27

He doesn't like talking on the phone

He'd given up on having children until he met you

You really are bending to meet his visions, aren't you?

If you stated that you think talking on the phone is your favourite way of communication, would he toe the line and respond to your calls?
It seems like he is able to call the shots because you have this romantic picture of him.

Please don't have a baby with him just because you have inspired his fantasy of himself.
Unless that's what you always planned - to bring one child up to adulthood and then start on another?
You'll be 60 before they have left home, and where will the Scarlet Pimpernel be then?

Lweji · 30/09/2017 07:35

What you're describing might be fine at 20. You must be in middle to late 30s and I really wouldn't want to live in a rented room pinning for a boyfriend who may or may not return, who might not have a source of income and who may be in a lot of debt out of his own choice and making.

Don't put your life on hold for him and don't compromise your lifestyle or your plans.
Live how you want to live and if you end up on the same place, great, but if you don't you won't feel like you've wasted your life for him.

JulietNeverMetRomeo · 30/09/2017 07:58

Don't have a baby with this person. You just need to work on building your confidence and ability to be on your own, that will help with your boundary issues. Fill your life with work, friends and a project until you go travelling.

invisiblecats · 30/09/2017 08:34

You'll get a lot of people here saying to leave him but if you weren't 40 and thinking of having a baby then I would say where's the problem?

You get on. You have similar interests - you had already planned traveling before meeting him.

He had this planned for ages and has worked for it. He's not off forever - just till next year.(did I get that bit right?). You've regained your freedom as your DD has flown the nest.

It's unfortunate timing you met when he had this planned and not perhaps when he just got back - but that's life isn't it!

As I said upthread I've seen this work out fine. Why not go for it and see how it goes.

But the talk of having another baby is muddying the water.

Did you want another before meeting him?

If you could chose a relationship with this guy OR a baby what would you choose?

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