On line dating status

[1DAD2KIDS]

On OLD sites there is a box for relationship/marital status. I am sort of debating what to put? I am recently completed my divorced but don't like the negative connotations of the divorced status. It just doesnt feel right. After all you could be in a long term relationship for dacades and as soon as you split your both single. Why cant people who have been married be single too? A clean start as that former relationship is history and it is the future your looking to. Why must divorcees have to carry status baggage of a former married and non married people just become single again. I want to put single on my profile. That how I feel, a fresh start. But worried that people may view me as dishonest. Of course it's no secret and happy to say I was once married.

Put your status as single! it's the truth, and as you say, you can tell the people you message that you are divorced if it comes up. Remember, OLD sites are full of strangers, they don't need to know every detail of your private life until some of them become acquaintances and hopefully more. Good luck

I think it's different OP.. N if the option of divorced is there you should tick that.

I would just put whatever is the most accurate factual description and not think anymore of it TBH.

I figure if someone were very bothered that I am separated but not divorced then they aren't right for me and so (if I was online dating or in fact dating at all!) putting the most factually accurate description would weed out people who aren't suitable for me.

Since this is giving you such turmoil perhaps you would be wise to have a break from dating until you are more confident about yourself as a divorced person?

Most people have a self confidence wobble when the divorce comes through, even if their ex was a nightmare (as yours was) and dating when you are vulnerable just increases the chances of you getting into another bad relationship.

You're reading too much into it.
Divorce is nothing to be ashamed of.
When I was OLD, if you had put single then revealed you were divorced I'd have yellow carded you for a lie of omission and yellow carded you again for not being able to "deal" with your divorce. Or for thinking it has any kind of status at all.

Im not sure if divorce is viewed the same for men and women in society. I think women (Just a gut feeling) view divorced men with suspicion because I kind of think people generally view the break up of a marriage as the man's fault. When you read all the stories of horrible or cheeting husbands on here you can understand why. Now I think I was a good husband. To be fair my ex wife says the same, says I was very good and good father (not that I would ask for a testimonial, that would be a weird feature for a OLD profile). In that way I feel I have nothing to be ashamed off. My ex wife left me and the kids for another man and realises now what's she lost. But it kind of feels to me as soon as a woman reads divorce she'll assume I'm some sort of a abusive and/or cheating arse who's ex couldn't wait to ditch him.

Ok, even if your fear is true, and women view divorced men with suspicion (I don't), why would you want to make it into an issue that you want to discuss at length and explain why you didn't tick the box early on in the relationship?

Some women may fear a divorced man but much more women will fear a man who has issues with saying they are divorced, ticks the single box then goes on about how awful his ex was...

(And I think maybe you've been on MN relationships too much, try to remember a lot of the women on this board come here because they need help with issues to do with their relationships and so if you read this too much you will start believing all women expect men to be awful).

You're overthinking it OP, lots of women would rather meet a man who wasn't afraid of marriage, even if it didn't work out, especially as you've got kids.

It's usually based on whether someone likes the look of you anyway, the rest is largely irrelevant.

I found "divorced" reassuring, as it suggests life experience and that they might understand the complexities I experienced myself.

I wouldn't have found "single" off putting necessarily, but I'd have been a bit if it then transpired that they'd been married before. You can make a new start, but you can't erase the past.

I'd be more likely to wonder why a man of a certain age was single, than wonder why he was divorced.

I'd also be more likely to think you were potential relationship material if you'd clearly already had one that led to marriage.

Be careful how you talk about your ex-wife btw. I'm quite certain that my ex claims I left him and the dc. I did not. I left him -
and for good reason.

Well nail on the head there bluit, I am a prolific over thinker. There are some real interesting perspectives I have not considered about being a divorcee. Maybe there is some positives that I have not looked into. At the end of the day not many people 30+ who have not got baggage. I suppose it does show my willingness to commit, I took my marriage very seriously. Having said that I doubt I would ever marry again. It's a legal contract that is thraught with issues should things not work out.

ComputerUserNotTrained you know I don't want to erase my past. I am still very proud of a lot of aspects of my marriage, the great memories, achievements and most of all the kids we produced. I'm not ashamed of it. More just worried about what conclusions people would jump too (I guess I asume everyone over thinks like me).

I am careful what I say, I don't bad mouth my ex, I just tell things factually and openly if asked. Basiclly she decided our family life was not for her and ran off with someone else. Thats basically how was. What more can I say. I don't say she this or that, etc. Me and my ex get on well. I know there are two sides to every story but my ex does say I was a good husband and that she wishes she never left me (much to her friends and families frustration).

But I still not get why just because of a price of paper we have to be labelled differently.

No-one is labelling you negatively though other than yourself...

I reiterate that I think you should take a break from dating until you feel more positive about being divorced...

It isn't surprising you feel negatively since it has just happened but you will bring this negativity into dating if you don't have a break, you already are by angsting over 'why can't i just tick the single box' and negativity is never appealing...

If you don't feel that your divorce is positive why should anyone else?

I'd have felt a bit awkward in our earlier days knowing DP's ex regretted leaving him (although from a purely selfish perspective I'm glad she did ).

I'm not having a go, honestly. Just be careful what you say to future partners.

Not I am careful what I say. That's why I just keep things basic, emotionless and factual.

My perceived negativity from other over being divorced could well be just imagined. It just seems strange to have a two tier system depending on a legal contract or not. It was not the being divorced so much that bother me more the being labelled differently from other single people and my (probably on reflection) unfounded fear that I would be negatively judged as bad relationship material based on one line of a tick box dating profile.

But it's not really any stranger than marriage existing!

OP, it's not important really, but your photos are. Nice normal pics go a long way, but I've read enough of your threads to know you won't do any dodgy ones with your top off or posing on a someone else's flash car.

Men who look after their children are very appealing, the divorce really doesn't matter.

OP no offence but your always on here posting about one dating issue or another.
Stop over thinking and just have fun!

I think I'd be more curious why a Pearson had never married or been in a long term relationship than someone who was divorced.

I get what you are saying op.
I was asked my marital status the other day( can't think what for) and when I teued divorced my dd1 did a double take.
It had no bearing on me, I'm with a new partner and very very happy.
I would put divorced because that is what you are.
As an aside I was doing an online survey yesterday and the only options to start with were are you mr or ms?
It made me really happy and believe all titles should be done like this.

Men who look after their children are very appealing

God yes. Ditto parents. I remember very clearly my dp's apprehension when he explained his family situation (children, and some).

He's a good man, and a keeper. And if I say so myself, I'm not a bad catch. I think the majority of men, who wouldn't give me a second look because I'm too old (ie the same age as them ffs) have missed out tbh

I'd have yellow carded you for a lie of omission and yellow carded you again for not being able to "deal" with your divorce.

I agree with Ellisandra here.

Offred, fair point granted and I think why I would no longer do the marriage thing.

bluit I think I have chosen some good photos. Me happy and smiley. Out enjoying a bit of cafe culture in the sun, in the outdoors, up snow topped mountains and petting a baby goat that took a bit of a shine to me. Just some photographic snap shot of the things I enjoy and my character. The description I am happy with too and have received some nice compliments on how well it's written. To be fair it is going quite successfully. I am honestly surprised at the level of interest in me and the amount of times I have been asked how come your single. I have met someone I really like and we are on a date next week. We are same age and divorced with kids. I have decided now I am ready, my self esteem is very good and looking for something serious I am going to be very picky. So digressing again.

user1490465531 I wish I could stop thinking and over analysing everthing. I am terrible. I even sometime sit and people watch and then start making up their whole life story. I have quite an imagination. Plus I am always trying to put my self in other peoples shoes. I know I need to chill out.

Dancinggoat I suppose your right. The thing is I have probably seen more, experienced more and done more than many people of 33 years. I have lived an interesting life that I am proud off. It's something that I suppose relationship wise is not reflected in the term single. But my written description gives a lot more into me.

Emilybrontescorsett it still amazes me how in many ways society and our own accord we try to cram our selfs in neat ordered little boxes. I don't think I have ever felt like I fit neatly into a box.

ComputerUserNotTrained to be fair a lot of women have looked at this positivity. The irony is them with children it's hard to find time when we are both kid free. Them without kids but want children see me as a great catch until they realise that when my profile says I don't want any more it 100% means I don't want any more. Seriously I had one who thought she could change my mind when I queried her aproching me despite her profile saying she wanted kids. On a side note the age thing and men dating far young fasinates me, probably because I have always mainly dates older women. I started a thread on it and from the responses (plus my own anidotal experiance) it's deffinatly a thing especially amongst certain age groups. And it not just that me look for younger women, younger women seem to often go for older men. I digress again.

Trills, that's a fair possition to stand from. Although I note not a red card so all is not lost.

Thinking about it, it is ridiculous that someone who has been divorced say 15 years ago is still classed as 'divorced' and the only thing to change that is getting married again!
It's the same when you apply for car insurance. I wonder when you can put single and not divorced.