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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

You know ,no one is forcing you to stay in this relationship.

40 replies

kied767 · 28/09/2017 15:44

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 5 years and I moved in with him about 8 months in our relationship . We live in his house and the mortgage is in his name. He’s handsome, intelligent, loving and hilarious. We have an amazing time together, and in most ways it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had… but there is one thing that’s not ging so well, he absolutely refuses to discuss marriage.

I once asked him, why he doesn’t even bother to discuss it and he said , face it, most women are selfish.All the wedding and receptions I know are really just a celebration by the woman for the glorification of herself. Does it look like I wanna spend 40k on a wedding ?

I am worried that he thinks he’s wasting his time with me I think that maybe he just keep getting these doubts about it working in the long term. I just don’t know what it is. I don’t feel miserable in the relationship and I look forward to seeing him at the end of the day and spending time with him. I just keep getting a bit worried.

I asked him why didn’t he tell me this before and he said you were the one who brought up the subject so let’s talk about it now and he said there’s no difference to him in living together or getting married and said that you know you’ve have to get what you want and if you’re not happy in this relationship, let me know because what’s the point of staying in an unhealthy relationship because no one if forcing you to.

I don’t know why he feels that way about his marriage, his parents have married for over 35 years and seems to have a great and loving relationship.

OP posts:
PNGirl · 28/09/2017 15:48

You live in his house in his name and he doesn't want to get married. There is part of your answer!

Legally and financially living together and being married aren't even close to the same. There's a reason so mant women on here advise marriage before children.

Hairgician · 28/09/2017 15:48

Sounds like he doesn't believe in marriage.

You now need to decide how important it is for you and whether you could live with him now you know his feelings about getting married.

I personally don't like his attitude towards women about marriage - yes there are maybe some who get carried away about the day but If I was seeing someone and they said this I would have to walk away.

Scrumptiousbears · 28/09/2017 15:52

I'd be more pissed of with living in his house and no security.

Smeaton · 28/09/2017 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JessicaEccles · 28/09/2017 15:53

So he's a misogynist with a low opinion of women, who thinks they are all the same and doesn't think you are at all special? Confused
Well, at least he's honest...

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/09/2017 15:55

"Most women are selfish..." That would have been enough for me right there. Does his problem with women show in other ways?

m4rdybum · 28/09/2017 15:55

Do you contribute to the mortgage? If so, it should also be in your name. I would focus on this before you start worrying about marriage.

In terms of £40k for a wedding, we spent £3.5k on ours and it was a great day - no great expense is needed and you can have a low key family affair and not a selfish bride party quite easily.

Marriage isn't everything, but if you're not getting married you need to have some sort of level of agreed financial protection in place.

beesandknees · 28/09/2017 16:04

He's being really clear that he doesn't want to get married and that he doesn't even think marriage is a good/sensible idea that he agrees with.

Please take him at his word. And please don't dither around trying to analyse why he has that opinion of marriage - the why does not matter - even if you knew why, you'd not be able to change his mind.

Just accept it and take action accordingly.

It's fine to live in his house without marrying him - but you do need to make sure, then, that you are socking away money of your own. You need your own savings, investments, etc. because he has equity in his house to rely on, and you do not.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/09/2017 16:08

I think if someone blatantly tells you something, you have to pay attention to it. He won't marry you. He has a dim view of women. You've invested five years - don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy!

Ellisandra · 28/09/2017 16:10

He's allowed to have a view on what he thinks "most women" want from a wedding*.

But after 8 years he should know that that view is totally irrelevant in any discussion with you, because it isn't who you are.

*that said - who would want to be with a man that said most women were selfish?

Call his blush, propose to him suggesting a quiet registry do. And listen to the next excuse.

He doesn't have to want marriage, I wouldn't personally dump him for that.
I'd dump him for his shitty attitude towards you instead!

53rdWay · 28/09/2017 16:12

Why on earth do you want to be with someone who thinks “most women are selfish”?

MissConductUS · 28/09/2017 16:18

Some men nurture a fantasy that a fabulously rich knockout blond is going to walk into their lives and fall madly in love with them, so they want to leave their options open. It's a childish point of view.

I agree with the others - ask him to do a quick civil ceremony with you and see how he tap dances away from that one. He seems to have a rather low opinion of women, including you. If you got seriously ill I suspect he'd dump you in a heartbeat.

I'd move on to someone who is more open to long term commitment, but that's just me.

Sohurt17 · 28/09/2017 16:23

Some men nurture a fantasy that a fabulously rich knockout blond is going to walk into their lives and fall madly in love with them, so they want to leave their options open. It's a childish point of view.

Why only blonde?

Branleuse · 28/09/2017 16:37

I think sometimes you have to decide whats more important to you. Being with someone you love and who loves you in a happy relationship, or being married to someone.
Its pretty common to live together and not be married, and pretty common to think marriage is a load of bullshit

splendidisolation · 28/09/2017 16:41

I think he sounds very clear on his philosophy regarding marriage and has been very honest and straightforward about it.

So stop trying to change him.

If you want a wedding and marriage you need to find a different man.

TheNaze73 · 28/09/2017 16:50

Whatever his reasons, he doesn't want to get married & why should he?

If it bothers you that much, end it

exexpat · 28/09/2017 16:50

Are you hoping to have children with him? That is when the legal protections of marriage become absolutely crucial for women.

CryptoFascist · 28/09/2017 16:53

Do you pay him rent to live in his house? If you married him you'd be entitled to some of the value of the property. If not, and you eventually split, he gains from you and you leave with nothing. Marriage is more than a piece of paper but people who are protecting their assets will minimise this.

fuzzywuzzy · 28/09/2017 16:56

Do you have savings and money independent of him?

If not I'd start thinking about it in case he decides to move on.

And don't have babies with him and take the financial hit unless you're married. Otherwise you're really stuck.

Viviennemary · 28/09/2017 17:00

Ask him if the real reason he doesn't want to marry you is that then you'd be entitled to a share of his home. But you haven't been living together very long. Don't even consider having children unless you're married would be my advice.

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2017 17:22

Most women are selfish?

Nothing attractive about misogyny OP

2rebecca · 28/09/2017 17:23

You can get married very cheaply if reg office and don't tell the relatives. You have no financial security with this man. If it ended tomorrow you'd have nothing.

Brahms3rdracket · 28/09/2017 17:29

Is jt just because marriage doesn't mean anything to him? My dp, father of my 3 dcs was pretty much the same until recently. We've discussed it again recently and i think it's much more to do with the fact he can't stand to be centre of attention. The big difference for me is he was keen to buy a house with me. He regards this as a bigger commitment to me than marriage vows.

Would your dp be prepared to combine finances and commit to a mortgage together? If not i would question his commitment to the relationship.

Mine put all the deposit down from equity in his first property without legally stating an unequal split. I think that's his version of a romantic gesture Grin

spangleknickers · 28/09/2017 17:35

Hmmmmm - see if you can have your name put on the deeds of the property? Also suggest a very quiet wedding, as PPs have mentioned. It's important that you have some security so start squirrelling away money that you would be paying on rent and keep track of what you pay toward household bills. I am not married and have kids with a guy. Nightmare

Runaways01 · 28/09/2017 17:56

What's your financial contribution to the relationship? It's just if it's his house, and he's paying the mortgage (and there are no children involved), I can understand why he would be reluctant to marry. Do you pay him rent and do you have any assets of your own? What percentage of the household bills do you pay?