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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

You know ,no one is forcing you to stay in this relationship.

40 replies

kied767 · 28/09/2017 15:44

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 5 years and I moved in with him about 8 months in our relationship . We live in his house and the mortgage is in his name. He’s handsome, intelligent, loving and hilarious. We have an amazing time together, and in most ways it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had… but there is one thing that’s not ging so well, he absolutely refuses to discuss marriage.

I once asked him, why he doesn’t even bother to discuss it and he said , face it, most women are selfish.All the wedding and receptions I know are really just a celebration by the woman for the glorification of herself. Does it look like I wanna spend 40k on a wedding ?

I am worried that he thinks he’s wasting his time with me I think that maybe he just keep getting these doubts about it working in the long term. I just don’t know what it is. I don’t feel miserable in the relationship and I look forward to seeing him at the end of the day and spending time with him. I just keep getting a bit worried.

I asked him why didn’t he tell me this before and he said you were the one who brought up the subject so let’s talk about it now and he said there’s no difference to him in living together or getting married and said that you know you’ve have to get what you want and if you’re not happy in this relationship, let me know because what’s the point of staying in an unhealthy relationship because no one if forcing you to.

I don’t know why he feels that way about his marriage, his parents have married for over 35 years and seems to have a great and loving relationship.

OP posts:

Therealslimshady1 · 28/09/2017 18:03

He is telling you who he is, so listen.

You can try and see what he says, if you suggest an elopement/secret wedding (low cost).

...he won't agree to it

SandyY2K · 28/09/2017 18:48

If you want marriage then you need to move on. You won't get it with him.

No need to talk about cheaper weddings. He's not interested in marriage.

NoFanJoe · 28/09/2017 21:43

What he wants counts and what you want is irrelevant. Wow, that's not a relationship I'd want. Where's the partnership in that?

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/09/2017 21:51

He's misogynistic.

He doesn't care about your needs (he doesn't have to share all your opinions but as your partner he has to at least care what you think, want, hope for).

He's happy because he has everything he needs, he doesn't have to share his house, he is in no financial danger (unlike you) and he's just expressed supreme indifference about the idea of you leaving him.

Don't waste any more time on him.

happy321123 · 28/09/2017 21:58

There is nothing wrong with your situation so long as you share the same beliefs and you are fully aware of the financial positions you are in. Have a think about your vulnerability and decide your deal breakers. The suggestion of paper marriage and home for corrie was good. If he's still against it, will he put you on the mortgage? Where will the compromise lie?

I'm trying to be positive, but his generalisations suck just a bit. And weddings do not cost 40k. Maybe he needs to change his social circle if those are the selfish bride friends he has

BadHatter · 28/09/2017 22:25

This guy has been blunt. I don't see where he's been refusing to "discuss" (did you mean acquiesce to?) marriage.

If you need to be married to be happy with your life, go and find someone willing to (nay, happy to) marry you.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 28/09/2017 22:28

"face it, most women are selfish"

Didn't get any further. Bin.

butterfly56 · 28/09/2017 22:50

He is absolutely not interested in marriage because he has no idea how to commit to a real relationship.
He has no respect for women and is even happy to tell you straight about the way he thinks about women.
Everything will be fine with him unless you rock his boat then you will see his try colours.
You are there because he allows you to be there, you don't really have any say at all in how the relationship works for you.

Tameagobairanois · 28/09/2017 22:53

wow, he's telling you loud and clear that he's a misogynist and he's telling you loud and clear that he won't marry you. Thankfully for you.

Please give up on this man.

Handsome and intelligent maybe but that is NOT loving.

Trollspoopglitter · 28/09/2017 22:57

He's talking about a wedding, not marriage. You need to separate the two. And as far as living with him... hey, if you get to save what you would have spent on renting...sounds great to me!

tippz · 28/09/2017 23:07

I am really struggling to find anything remotely appealing in this man. He is sexist, selfish, rude, and offensive.

He has got YOU right where he wants you though OP. And 40 grand on a wedding. Do me a favour. No-one with an IQ over 75 would spend that (unless they were millionaires!)

BorisTrumpsHair · 28/09/2017 23:47

You asked your P of many years about marriage and he replies "most women are selfish"! Ouch!

I don't think he sees you even as a partner op if he thinks along those lines. You are in a group he labels "most women" and he doesn't think highly of them.

2rebecca · 29/09/2017 00:10

He does sound very unbothered at the thought of you splitting up, I suppose his life won't change much if you're just a lodger with benefits.

mapaca · 29/09/2017 10:39

If he'd said : "I don't believe in marriage, but I love you dearly and want to commit to you, share my life with you, etc" maybe that would be something you could work with.
But basically he's outlined his low opinion of women and said if you don't like it, there's the door. Charming!

BorisTrumpsHair · 29/09/2017 10:48

How old are you OP?
Do you want to have children? Do you talk about having kids with him? Have you got time "in the bag" to waste on someone who doesn't want what you want?

Personally I've never wanted to be married or seen myself as married. I don't place any value or status on marriage. However I can see (and there is much evidence on MN) that many unmarried mothers place themselves in extremely precarious and vulnerable positions when they stop working to have DC, and become a SAHM outside of marriage - in this scenario it's definitely better for women (and their children) to be in the legal framework of marriage.
.

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