Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The ghost of girlfriend past

38 replies

RelationshipDilemma · 28/09/2017 12:45

I've NC for this but I have been on MN for a while and I could really use some advice. I came out of a long term relationship about a year ago and then in July I met someone online. We have really clicked and he's absolutely lovely so all that is fine. Except... and this is where I need the advice as I don't know if I'm being stupid or if it really is an issue.

He has had 3 major relationships (never married but has a child from the last relationship, this is all fine and absolutely not the issue). The thing that is weighing on my mind is his feelings about his ex from the first of those relationships, which was almost 20 years ago now for context. He has variously described this ex as his 'first great love' and the love of his life (as in 'I met the love of my life at...') when we were discussing relationship history. He blames himself for their break up, it was caused by issues he had at the time, she subsequently cheated on him and it all clearly devastated him at the time.

I am obviously aware that everyone has a past, my issue here is that I don't know if he ever really has or ever really will get over this person, and I don't want to be anyone's consolation prize. I know they are not in regular contact, and are possibly not in contact at all, but in another conversation a month or so ago he said kind of in passing when talking about something else 'oh (ex) pops up every few years and puts me off my stride for a few days' - tbh I'm not sure if he meant that she literally gets in contact or if she pops up in his head, but either way, I don't really know how to take it. What precipitated this thread though is that he is moving house and last night I saw something (a trinket type thing) and asked him where he got it and it transpired that she gave it to him the day they split up and he has kept it ever since. It was obvious that it is important to him; as the conversation went, he said 'I have no other memento of it' (relationship) to which I asked 'do you need one?' and he replied 'yes, it was very special to me'. He has obviously had this thing as a treasured possession for nearly 20 years now and it still means a lot to him. It was one of the first things he'd brought to the new house and I'd actually been handed it to hold in the car when he was loading his stuff in (it's breakable) prior to me asking where he'd got it.

I let it go after that, he put it away out of sight (not prompted by me), and he was his usual lovely self, but it's been weighing heavily on my mind ever since... I obviously have past relationships and one in particular was very special, but this (the way he talks about it) just feels different. I know he and I haven't been together long but if it hasn't changed by now maybe it never will? What if she suddenly 'popped up' 6 months or 6 years or 16 years down the line and said she wanted him back, would it be no contest? Will she always be the one (that got away)? Will he always deep down be regretting that he's not with her and wishing that he was? Or am I being ridiculous and precious and over sensitive by feeling that I don't want to be "second best" (for want of a better way to put it)? These are the questions going round in my head and I honestly don't know. Should I talk to him about it or am I making an issue out of something that isn't an issue? Confused

Sorry, I didn't mean this to be so long, brevity is clearly not my strong point.

OP posts:
Original poster
RelationshipDilemma · 28/09/2017 15:02

Hopeful bump... anyone?

OP posts:
Offred · 28/09/2017 15:20

I probably wouldn't bother with him TBH.

You've not known him long and you are already feeling insecure. Whether that is because he's hung up on his ex or because you're twitchy about it it doesn't really matter (though I'd say he has idealised her and is stuck) it's not worth persevering IMO.

Someone having mentionitis about an ex, whether it is positive or negative is a bit of a red flag...

Santawontbelong · 28/09/2017 15:22

Agree its a red flag!!
Sounds like you would be condemning yourself to being in someone else's shadow if you stay with him. .

MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/09/2017 15:24

He's idolised her - honestly, I doubt you have a chance with this one. I doubt anyone has. It would be interesting to know whether she has any idea what he's like now.

rizlett · 28/09/2017 15:50

I'm not sure this would be an issue at all if you felt strong and confident in yourself.

If you truly loved yourself this trinket wouldn't matter because if he is over her then great and if he isn't over her then you'd end this relationship but still love yourself.

The more you focus on it though the more it will become a bigger concern. Why waste time on the negative?

Let it go - work on your self esteem and practice only allowing kind thoughts room in your mind.

fourquenelles · 28/09/2017 15:53

Oh dear. You are not even second best to a real person, you are second best to a fantasy. He has rewritten their history to whitewash out the uncomfortable truth - they were wrong for each other - he had issues, she cheated. He needs to talk this through with a professional. Too complex for just 2 months of dating.

Ellisandra · 28/09/2017 15:54

You know, whether she pops up to claim him in future or not...

  • he sounds like a total saddo
  • he has no manners talking like that about her to you

So those two reasons I'd bin him.
Who wants to be with someone who can't move on after TWENTY YEARS?!

LilQueenie · 28/09/2017 15:56

Honest question. Is she still around and do they have contact? If not then how is this any different to him being a widow? IYSWIM there would still be that loss but I've always wondered why losing someone you care for who is alive gets treated differently to one who has passed away. Do you fear he will find her again and make another go of it. He has had relationships after her.

ImaginaryCat · 28/09/2017 16:01

If he actually uses the phrase 'love of my life' when he mentions her then I'd completely bin him. I have a significant ex but he's not the love of my life. If he was we'd still be together and he'd be the father of my children. He's not, hence there's no 'love of my life' bollocks, he's just an ex.

Ellisandra · 28/09/2017 16:03

My fiancé is a widower. He still loves his wife. He has told me many times how wonderful she was. I love to hear it - I like nice happy romantic tale! The difference is that this started only after we had discussed it, and I had asked about her. He wasn't banging on about another woman being the love of his life to me when I was a girlfriend of 2 months Hmm

It's fine to remember people who have been important to us. But if he's still periodically feeling put off his stride my her after 20 years and 3 serious relationships... well, I wouldn't want to date someone who was stuck in the past.

Lovemusic33 · 28/09/2017 16:10

I met someone online (early this year) who still wasn't over his ex who had cheated on him 10 years ago. He spoke about her a lot, even went into details of their sex life. No way I could live with being 2nd best so I walked away.

Lulusmother · 28/09/2017 16:15

I met a guy online in 2013. His ex had left him two years prior to me meeting him. I always got the "she left me" quote all the time. I finished it about 18 months later as he had clearly not moved on, and in hindsight I wished I'd trusted my gut instinct. I should have walked away VERY early on !

meowimacat · 28/09/2017 16:22

If this woman were to come back in his life, do you honestly think you'd stand a chance against her?

As fourquenelles says, he has created a fantasy, a lot of people do with their 'first love' where you only remember the good bits.

But the problem is it seems like he's never let go of her and you'll always be second best. It might be worth talking to him about it but to be honest in my opinion I wouldn't even want to date someone who said those things to me about another girl. Letting you hold the gift he'd been given from an ex too and taking it to his new house first...just odd.

Sohurt17 · 28/09/2017 16:27

It sounds as though he has pretty major issues. To not move on all this time later suggests an immaturity that anyone in a relationship with him will struggle with.

Personally I would take a step back to give you both some perspective. Good luck.

Cate1362 · 28/09/2017 16:31

Completely agree with fourquenelles - whatever happened in their relationship it won't be anything like the one he's imagined with 20 years of rose-tinted hindsight.
If anyone mentioned their ex that much I'd definitely run, although I know it's hard when sometimes you want to give a relationship more of a chance. Honestly, you'd probably be better off cutting your losses now.

DarthMaiden · 28/09/2017 16:56

Sounds pretty damn creepy to me tbh.

Still obsessing over an ex from 20 years ago Hmm.

You’ll never match up, simply because you can’t possibly compare to idealistic fantasy that’s he’s created in his head over the last 2 decades.

If you ever met her, the chances are she is a perfectly nice, ordinary person who didn’t want to be in a relationship with a creepy saddo.

Walk run away and don’t look back.

Original poster
RelationshipDilemma · 28/09/2017 18:21

Thank you all... It's pretty unanimous and confirming how I feel about it. Shit Sad

To answer a question from upthread, he hasn't actually seen her in 20 years and apparently there's been an email every 2 or 3 years in that time. I don't know exactly where she lives but I do know it'll be in a totally different part of the country to where we are now.

OP posts:
LilaoftheGreenwood · 28/09/2017 18:29

It sounds like manipulative bollocks to me. Do bin him off but don't think it's because "you'll never compete". Honestly I suspect he just at some level enjoys the idea that he has a Great Lost Love, he's probably not even visualising her that much. No normal person thinks like this for 20 years, never mind talks about it to their new date.

Feel sorry for his exes who presumably put up with all the same bollocks for much longer than you will.

splendidisolation · 28/09/2017 18:33

I think he sounds lame.

We all have "special" relationships, we've all fallen in love with a specific person at a specific time in our lives which means they left more of a mark than others, sometimes good.

But time passes, memories fade, until that special person sometimes floats to the top of our memories and we think back, allow ourselves to remember, and then forget again.

He's put way too much emphasis on this relationshio, and what bothers me about it isnt the idea of him yearning after an ex. It's more this tendancy of romanticising and dramatising his past - it hints at him possibly having delusions of grandeur (she was special, he is special, their relationship was so very special, almost film like). He puts his need to feel like he's starring in the movie of his own life above the fact that you dont actually need to know or hear all that.

I think he has the potential to be a drama king.

Original poster
RelationshipDilemma · 28/09/2017 18:59

she was special, he is special, their relationship was so very special, almost film like). He puts his need to feel like he's starring in the movie of his own life above the fact that you dont actually need to know or hear all that.

splendid yes, this. I think you've hit the nail right on the head here.

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner1 · 28/09/2017 19:42

Here's an idea. Why don't you talk to him about how you feel. It's quite possible he doesn't realise the message he is giving out and how negative it (quite rightly) makes you feel. Men are sometimes to straightforward, he probably thinks that by being 'honest' he is doing a good thing - especially as he hasn't seen her for 20yrs. He may even realise that it's idealised nonsense.

Speak to him. You say he's a great guy and you've really clicked. Why would you end something on a second guess. Talk to this man and if he appears not to realise that this is a massive case of rose tinted spectacles focussed on a huge dose of nostalgia and fantasy - then run for the hills.

Original poster
RelationshipDilemma · 28/09/2017 19:48

kittens I am definitely going to do that, tonight. I'm not just going to end it without at least talking it over with him.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 28/09/2017 20:36

I think you are right to talk this through with him - hopefully he will have some idea what nonsense he is spouting and be able to move on.

Original poster
RelationshipDilemma · 28/09/2017 22:02

Well I have spoken to him - by phone as he has his (pre-school age) child tonight.

In summary... The relationship meant a lot to him and he feels responsible for it ending and desperately tried to save it at the time, but he doesn't obsess about her, pine for her, long to have her back or to go back in time, and he doesn't seek to contact her - it's been nearly 4 years since the last email at this point. He knows he's not the same person he was when they were together and doesn't want to go back... He understands why I am upset, doesn't want me to be, and won't talk about her any more. He realises he should have been more careful about what he said but it wasn't deliberate. He thinks I'm amazing, he's having a lovely time with me and wants it to continue. No apology but a lot of explanation.

So yeah... I don't know. He is a genuinely lovely person this notwithstanding - kind, affectionate, honest (perhaps too much so!), a completely devoted 50/50 Dad - I'm not blinkered, clearly he's not perfect, but he is a good person and we have completely clicked. It's not that he has gone on about her continually - it has just been the 3 or 4 mentions I put in the OP, but I'm not minimising it as it clearly has affected me and for a reason. I really need to think very hard about it all.

Thank you all again so much for taking the time to post.

OP posts:
Original poster
RelationshipDilemma · 28/09/2017 22:08

Fwiw, he has had quite extensive counselling in the last few years to deal with the aforementioned issues - so perhaps there is an element of 'if I knew then what I know now' but I guess a lot of us feel like that about various things in our lives at least to some extent.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread