The ghost of girlfriend past

[RelationshipDilemma]

I've NC for this but I have been on MN for a while and I could really use some advice. I came out of a long term relationship about a year ago and then in July I met someone online. We have really clicked and he's absolutely lovely so all that is fine. Except... and this is where I need the advice as I don't know if I'm being stupid or if it really is an issue.

He has had 3 major relationships (never married but has a child from the last relationship, this is all fine and absolutely not the issue). The thing that is weighing on my mind is his feelings about his ex from the first of those relationships, which was almost 20 years ago now for context. He has variously described this ex as his 'first great love' and the love of his life (as in 'I met the love of my life at...') when we were discussing relationship history. He blames himself for their break up, it was caused by issues he had at the time, she subsequently cheated on him and it all clearly devastated him at the time.

I am obviously aware that everyone has a past, my issue here is that I don't know if he ever really has or ever really will get over this person, and I don't want to be anyone's consolation prize. I know they are not in regular contact, and are possibly not in contact at all, but in another conversation a month or so ago he said kind of in passing when talking about something else 'oh (ex) pops up every few years and puts me off my stride for a few days' - tbh I'm not sure if he meant that she literally gets in contact or if she pops up in his head, but either way, I don't really know how to take it. What precipitated this thread though is that he is moving house and last night I saw something (a trinket type thing) and asked him where he got it and it transpired that she gave it to him the day they split up and he has kept it ever since. It was obvious that it is important to him; as the conversation went, he said 'I have no other memento of it' (relationship) to which I asked 'do you need one?' and he replied 'yes, it was very special to me'. He has obviously had this thing as a treasured possession for nearly 20 years now and it still means a lot to him. It was one of the first things he'd brought to the new house and I'd actually been handed it to hold in the car when he was loading his stuff in (it's breakable) prior to me asking where he'd got it.

I let it go after that, he put it away out of sight (not prompted by me), and he was his usual lovely self, but it's been weighing heavily on my mind ever since... I obviously have past relationships and one in particular was very special, but this (the way he talks about it) just feels different. I know he and I haven't been together long but if it hasn't changed by now maybe it never will? What if she suddenly 'popped up' 6 months or 6 years or 16 years down the line and said she wanted him back, would it be no contest? Will she always be the one (that got away)? Will he always deep down be regretting that he's not with her and wishing that he was? Or am I being ridiculous and precious and over sensitive by feeling that I don't want to be "second best" (for want of a better way to put it)? These are the questions going round in my head and I honestly don't know. Should I talk to him about it or am I making an issue out of something that isn't an issue?

Sorry, I didn't mean this to be so long, brevity is clearly not my strong point.

Aren't we all in love with person we were 20 years ago? We looked so much better, we were less world weary , there were so many possibilities.

He's very immature. I think having a big deep conversation about why you're unhappy with something is a no. It's only a few weeks. Too early to be full of doubts.

I'd move on, big smile. You had a nice time. There's somebody else got you who will be mad about you (& not dreamy fantasy woman)

Sounds good op, best of luck.

Sounds more hopeful. I would give the relationship a bit more time now that you have had the chat.

Unless you have a waiting list of men who are 'a genuinely lovely person this notwithstanding - kind, affectionate, honest (perhaps too much so!), a completely devoted 50/50 Dad - ' and -essentially- makes you happy - then I would play it by ear and give your relationship a chance.
Bear in mind that the unimaginative answer to all relationships that hit a problem, is to upsticks and leave rather than work through a problem and , within reason , give people a chance. So don't be surprised if you get a tirade of LTB's

I think sometimes men dont know how insecure women can be. Are his feelings about someone in the past a mountain never to be overcome or the benchmark that you want to exceed. No-one comes as a blank slate to a relationship. For some its the great love, for others, its overcoming that crippling trust issues that others bring to a relationship. The question is, do you think its worth trying?

kittens sadly no such queue of men who are all those things plus mutual attraction and chemistry. This is obviously a factor, as I know only too well that finding this combination is basically like finding a unicorn. scottishdiem wise words too, thank you. I am going to give it some more time I think, but very much with my eyes open. I won't stand for shit treatment, I never have, and much as I'd rather not be, I'm not afraid to be single, so if I feel like it's not going anywhere or I'm playing second fiddle to anyone other than his child, then I will know what I have to do.

I am going to give it some more time I think, but very much with my eyes open. I won't stand for shit treatment,

and whilst your doing that - maybe consider getting some help with your insecurities.

I think it's very bad advice to say 'unless you have a queue of suitable men waiting' TBH.

Women can be single you know, nothing bad happens!

That certainly isn't the way you make a decision about a relationship.

I also don't think it's anything to do with women being insecure and men not realising it.

It would put me off if I was a: just out of a LTR, and b: helping a new date move and c: a relationship from 20 years ago (who was not even the mother of his child) was so present in his mind because I would think 'this guy has poor boundaries and idealises this past GF' and that suggests he has issues....

Also, 'I'm very honest' coupled with having poor boundaries is often an early warning sign of EA.

The relationship meant a lot to him and he feels responsible for it ending and desperately tried to save it at the time,

I think we all have a relationship in our past that we feel that way about deep down, for example, but I don't think many people need 'extensive counselling' or even remember it very often 20 years later never mind talk about it to someone new we are dating...

Hey OP, hopefully I can give you a different perspective as I'm similar to your DP.
I was 18 when I met my first love, I was crazy about him. Together over 8 years and the relationship ended because we were unhappy not because we didn't love each other. I regretted it for years, got back in contact a few times (Never ever met) I never found that kind of love again, didn't believe I would. I married, had kids, divorced. I still think of him fondly but only because he was and is a significant part of my life. I'd never consider meeting him because it's the past, we split for good reason and we've both changed from the young in love fools we were.
I guess I'm just saying it's history, it's nice to look back on.
I've recently fallen crazy head over hills again, something I didn't think would happen, ever!

If he's mentioning her so often in the first two months of your relationship when its the "honeymoon period" and he should still be almost on best behaviour trying to impress it doesnt bode well.

Its good that you have talked it over with him but I would find it a total turn off that I was having to tell a grown man presumably in his thirties or forties that it was inappropriate to keep mentioning his ex girlfriend, the one true love of his life to me.
And even then he didn't apologise, he just gave you another lengthy explanation about why he does it, you know, so you would understand about how important she was to him.

My DP told me he had his big love but she did not move with him with the UK. He was heartbroken. He only told me this when I asked him about previous relationships and has never mentioned her since. Occasionally I want to talk about things but he says its 'bad manners' and hurtful to talk about the past - which he is right about I think.
To be honest the only reason I want to know more is to see how I 'match up' - which is horrible I know.
Anyway, my perspective is that having a lost love isn't a barrier to a good and loving relationship. I am sure that my DP did love her but she left, so we are together.
We can't all be someone's first or big love. That's life and its not about being second best or someone's consolation prize. Its about choosing to be with someone and putting them first now.

Sorry, I meant to reply again sooner.

Trying to do a catch-all reply; I'm not just out of a LTR, it's been a year, and I had no problem helping him move some of his stuff - he hasn't asked me to start cleaning the house or building furniture for him or anything. The counselling he has had was not because of that relationship per se, it was for the issues that led to it ending as they became a repeating pattern in subsequent relationships and he wanted to deal with them. He really is a decent person, but like I said, I'm not blinkered and this And even then he didn't apologise, he just gave you another lengthy explanation about why he does it, you know, so you would understand about how important she was to him. definitely hasn't been forgotten. I am being wary (not overtly), and very much seeing how it goes. Thank you all again, I really do appreciate all the input and I am taking it all in!