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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Crying and shaking

65 replies

houseinthecorner · 28/09/2017 11:57

This morning me and my husband were in a rush trying to do the school run and then go to the hospital for me to have blood tests. Just before setting off he put his gold chain ( that I bought him) in his pocket coz he was rushing and didn't put it round his neck. He dropped them off at school but then didn't leave the car again till he got home. 2 hours later at home he realised he lost it. He went mad, we looked everywhere and went back to the school and it wasn't there. He's now blaming me saying I cause him stress and it's all my fault that he didn't have time to wear it and that he put it in his pocket instead. It's his only day off today and he's spending it in bed now saying he can't do nothing now so I'm left to deal with everything now. If I don't find this good chair I'm going to get crap off him all day and for weeks to come. I'm sat crying because I don't know what to do to make it better again and I can't talk to him coz he's in a bad mood and is blaming me.

OP posts:
mymorningbeautyroutine · 28/09/2017 12:37

If I don't find this chain my life is going to be miserable.

OP, you are in an abusive relationship. Your h is a bully.

HE made the mistake; he should sort it.

Stop looking for the bloody necklace, and go and do whatever you had planned for the day.

Ignore him. He does NOT get to spoil your day, ruin your mood, make you walk on eggshells around him.

Do not do anything for him - no cleaning, cooking, washing or tidying.

Tell him to stop blaming you for his mistakes.

Big spoiled baby.

Do you get anything positive out of the relationship? Have you thought about leaving him?

Gilead · 28/09/2017 12:39

I stayed with someone just like this. I had lots of people on here tell me it was affecting my dc. I still stayed for a couple of years.
Due to the behaviour of my stbxh, two of my dc have some quite severe mental health problems. Please contact WA and don't let him do this to you and your children. He doesn't have the right to do this, he's an adult and doesn't have to take it out on you because he's not responsible enough to look after his own stuff.
0808 2000 247 Refuge.

tiktok · 28/09/2017 12:41

Crazy. Why are you looking for it anyway??

I mean, if you wanted to help, then you might look for it.....but it has somehow become your sole job to find it.

He's a manbaby!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 28/09/2017 12:41

Reading this has made me so angry. He sounds like a special sort of arsehole.

He has list the chain, his responsibility to find it.

Any nastiness from him must be challenged. If you are scared of him you need to enlist help to get him out of your life.

Please don't rush around trying to appease him. He will just carry on treating you like shit.

I hope you see the light x

MagicFajita · 28/09/2017 12:45

Sorry to post again but my ex did this kind of thing to me. He would phone from work and claim he "needed" a piece of paperwork. I would turn the flat upside down and not find it , I'd be really stressed because if his demands were not met he'd start an argument the moment he got home and shout me into a corner. To this day I'm sure he'd thrown these things away/hidden them on purpose.

My DP sometimes asks me if I know where certain things are , I say no , then offer to help him look for them. We look together and even if we don't find it he thanks me and tells me I'm wonderful for helping him out.

I just wanted to post this , op , to illustrate the difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic one.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/09/2017 12:49

So all of this begs the question...
Why are you with him?
He's abusive.
He's nasty.
He's a bully.
He intimidates you.

You need an exit plan.
Do you have family or a friend close by you can go to for the day?
Leave him to stew.
The more you pander to him the more he will do this kind of thing.

I think a call to Womens Aid may help you realise this is not OK and you should not be in this relationship - 0808 2000 247

helhathnofury · 28/09/2017 13:06

Leaving out the part that he is a massive bellend, and it is not down to you to fix this, is it worth checking with school office if it was handed in?

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2017 13:07

Doesn't sound like a good relationship

Maybe use this time whilst he's sulking to think about whether you really want to be in it

Olddear · 28/09/2017 13:18

Is there a hole in his pocket and the chain is now in the lining maybe? But, to echo everyone else, he's abusive....can you leave?

Original poster
houseinthecorner · 28/09/2017 13:26

He's woke up now and said I shouldn't do anything to upset him or say anything in regards to the chain because he will go mad. He said we should go out now and I said no we might as well stay here now until the school run because of the atmosphere not good and he's like 'oh you want to play games, I should have left you ages ago'

OP posts:
Original poster
houseinthecorner · 28/09/2017 13:27

He went to school office and no one handed it in. He has no holes in his pocket. We also have a small camera on our window overlooking the street ( mainly to protect the car ) and we even checked that and we couldn't see him dropping it there or anyone picking anything up on the street so he's lost likely lost it in school and someone's picked it up and kept it.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 28/09/2017 13:28

You'd really benefit from losing something else.

Loopylind · 28/09/2017 13:30

Shockseems more to this than the chain, if you don’t mind me saying.

If it’s found will the atmosphere change again? Is this a pattern of behaviour from him?

You need to remember you have done nothing wrong!!!

MagicFajita · 28/09/2017 13:31

Op , when you have a quiet moment please phone women's aid and tell them what you've told us. Tomorrow when he's at work sounds ideal for you.

Loopylind · 28/09/2017 13:35

Magicfajita is right. It won’t hurt speaking to someone in confidence that can give you expert advice and support Flowers

BewareOfDragons · 28/09/2017 13:36

Tell the abusive baby to own his own mistakes, mistakes happen, or tell him where the fucking door is.

foolonthehill · 28/09/2017 13:40

anyone else think he actually knows where it is?

OP he's an abuser, I left one like him after 12 years of marriage. I think you need to ignore the chain, take note of his threat and (carefully) look into leaving him.

post privately for help and advice and clear your browsing history.

He's not a nice man. you and dc deservebetter

serialcheat · 28/09/2017 13:41

How old is he !? Thirteen ? Bet his name is Kevin........

What a charmer Confused

Why are you putting up with this shit ?

SlothMama · 28/09/2017 13:43

It's totally his fault maybe this will teach him to take care of his property in future?

Gilead · 28/09/2017 13:44

He's woke up now and said I shouldn't do anything to upset him or say anything in regards to the chain because he will go mad
So he woke up and threatened you? Not very pleasant, is it.

Hermonie2016 · 28/09/2017 13:46

You are trying to reason and placate someone who is not reasonable.He then twists the blame to you.

Please do get help, from outsiders or even just reading books on abuse.Why does he do that will set off light bulbs for you.

It's easy for us to say ltb but often the first step is knowing he's unreasonable and its not your fault.
Can you imagine how you would feel if your daughters ended up with a similar man?

Caselgarcia · 28/09/2017 13:51

His chain, his fault he lost it. Does he blame you for everything that goes wrong in his life? Stop accepting this behaviour. Go out and ignore him, he sounds a complete arsehole

Offred · 28/09/2017 14:08

Oh god this brings back recent memories.... not re the chain but the crying and shaking and struggling to explain to other people just why you are so frightened and upset but feeling like they don't really get it because they say 'just (insert defy him thing here)'....

Of course everyone is right that this is horribly abusive behaviour and leaving your partner in tears and shaking with fear over something minor (that isn't even your fault) is abusive.... BUT...

I know I had to spend a year reading, analysing and getting strong enough before I was able to do anything that he would consider 'defying' him nevermind leaving and by the time I did I was so very terrified that I spent a few weeks terrified in the house when my children weren't there hiding upstairs with the lights off until I reported him to the police out of desperation for the fear to end!

And I didn't live with him and wasn't married to him... he prided himself on the fact he hadn't hit me, but I was so terrified of him....

I feel for you and you do need to get away from him but I suspect you will need to draw some strength and self esteem first and get into a place where you are acting at your life before you can.

Call women's aid and read the Lundy Bancroft book - don't let him know that you are though.

NameChange30 · 28/09/2017 14:12

Please read these:
Signs of emotional abuse
Am I in an abusive relationship?
And call Women's Aid.

He is abusive and you urgently need support.

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