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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this as bad as a think it is?

33 replies

IrrelevantPeasant · 27/09/2017 22:53

Been with DH for 7 years married for 2 with 3 DCs. DH has always had a temper. He's never been violent to me or the kids but we seem to go through this cycle where everything is fine for months and then slowly everything starts to build up resulting in him exploding in some way, usually taking it out on the kids.

For example, he called our DD aged 6 a stupid git for getting a question in her homework wrong. Obviously I've pulled him up on this and he says he feels really guilty etc and apologised to her but I don't feel this is enough. It's one thing recognising there is a problem but there surely needs to be some kind of action to prevent it happening again. I have suggested counselling/ anger management and have found a therapist willing to help but he is now backing out and I don't think he will go. He says that it's my fault, I'm not easy to live with and constantly nag him but when I ask him to give an example of this behaviour, he couldn't.

I'm at my wits end. When everything is fine he is a lovely man and a great dad but I can't live like this, nor is it fair on the kids. Yesterday I worked out if I would be able to support myself and 3 DCs financially by myself and the answer is yes. Should I leave? Is there anything else I can do first? Is this situation as bad as I think it is??

OP posts:
Annelind · 27/09/2017 23:03

Yes it is as bad as you think it is. He is not "a lovely man and a great dad" if he will not seek help for his issues. This is damaging you AND your children. Blaming you is typical EA behaviour. He doesn't want to change - so change your situation.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/09/2017 23:09

It's bad, yes. Firstly that he gives himself permission to treat his daughter like that; secondly that he blames you for his actions, absolving himself of responsibility.

As for leaving, you have to make that decision yourself. What would you like to do? I'm guessing by the fact you've looked into the finances, that you'd like to leave?

He is highly unlikely to change, since he won't admit any fault. And if you did leave, you'd likely have a lot more time and energy, without jumping through hoops to understand him or keep him happy.

Original poster
IrrelevantPeasant · 27/09/2017 23:16

Ok thank you for your replies. He admits there's a problem but he seems to think that's enough. Like he's apologised to her, so that's OK, we should all just carry on. I want him to get help so it doesn't happen again because I can guarantee it will.

Apart from the obvious I'll effect on DCs, I used to be a happy, outgoing, confident person and now I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells, trying to prevent his next explosion. DD2 peed on the bathroom floor this morning and all I could hear was him shouting at her, "why did you do that? What's wrong with you?" Eh, nothing's wrong with her, she's fucking 3 and had an accident. It's bringing me down and I don't like the person I've become because of it.

Yes I think I would like to leave. I think I just need reassurance that I'm not being unreasonable about it.

OP posts:
Smeaton · 27/09/2017 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annelind · 27/09/2017 23:19

OP you are not being unreasonable. HE IS. Totally.

cestlavielife · 27/09/2017 23:21

Leave
Don't subject your dc to this behaviour

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/09/2017 23:22

I think that is a wise decision and nothing unreasonable about it.

You will be amazed how much better you feel once you get out of this environment.

Original poster
IrrelevantPeasant · 27/09/2017 23:23

Again, thank you for your replies. Smeaton, that analogy makes a lot of sense, thank you.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/09/2017 23:24

And it can only be good for the DCs, too, to have a safe space away from his criticism and condemnation.

Jux · 28/09/2017 00:27

I beg you to protect your dd from him. She's 3, she'll remember. It will affect her self esteem and confidence. I speak from experience.

LuckLuckLUCK · 28/09/2017 00:57

Once every few months he does something like call your DD a stupid git?

It's not ideal, but there must be more to it than that?

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2017 05:27

Definitely not unreasonable to leave and better for your children

Ellisandra · 28/09/2017 07:09

Calling one child stupid and telling the other off for peeing...
Remind me how it's your fault because you're a nag?

Leave.
He'll still behave like that to them, but you will have taught them it isn't something to accept in their own relationships. Plus all 3 of you will have respite from it when you're gone.

Original poster
IrrelevantPeasant · 28/09/2017 07:19

He hates his job and is in some degree of pain every day because of it. I've looked into a career change for him and given him some different options but he won't even look at it. I've offered to support him in going to college/ uni/ whatever he wants but he won't do it. I think he's depressed but he won't go to the doctors. I've got a counsellor/ anger management therapist ready to help him but the excuses have started as to why he can't go.

I know he's unhappy and I think it all just builds up over the course of a few months before he snaps and turns into a monster. I want to help him but there's not much I can do if he won't help himself. In saying that, if anyone has any other suggestions I am willing to listen!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2017 07:31

You are not being at all unreasonable here in leaving this man. Infact you only need to give your own self permission to leave.

What you describe in your initial post is really the cycle of abuse; the nice/nasty cycle which is really a continuous one. And no, he is neither a lovely man or a great dad. Women in crap relationships often write such guff when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. Great dad's really do not call their child a stupid git or criticise for having bathroom accidents.

You are right to be thinking of leaving this man and I would plans in place to do this asap. This is not the relationship model your children need to be learning from. Womens Aid could also help you here and I would urge you to call them on 0808 2000 247.

Are you codependent in relationships?. Why do you feel this responsible for him?. It is also not your job here to help him when he clearly does not want to help his own self so stop trying. He does not want your help and or support at all and would rather blame you instead (that is emotional abuse as well). He also has a problem with anger but not in the ways you think. He has a problem with anger; your anger when you call him out on his abusive behaviours. Anger management is no cure for domestic violence which is what you are seeing within your household.

Cambionome · 28/09/2017 07:35

Don't make his problems your responsibility. He is an adult who can sort out his own work/training. Yes, you should be supportive but don't nail yourself to that cross op. Everything will always be your fault, or - even more sadly - your little dcs fault.

Sit him down and give him an ultimatum; either he gets counselling or he moves out, temporarily at least.

Annelind · 28/09/2017 07:40

Others more experienced will be along to advise, but IMO your leaving with the DCs may alter his attitude to seeking help. It seems you are not only 'putting up' with his outbursts and tantrums (and by default your DCs too) but doing all the work to help him change his job/enrol for college. He is an adult. If he simply wants to wallow and enjoy his temper - let him. Alone.

I too was in pain from a former employment, but didn't take it out on any one else, because - you know - not my family's fault? Confused

RiseToday · 28/09/2017 07:41

What else is he doing? Can you give some more examples?

I'm assuming there have been more instances than you have mention?

cestlavielife · 28/09/2017 07:47

It is huge mistake to think you can fix him by area going his job/therspy/support..i know have been there.
You need to give him ultimatum to get help or leave ..he should go..and mean it.

Or make plans to leave it might just be the impetus he needs to change himself ...or it may not but your daughter won't be every day thinking she is a git

cestlavielife · 28/09/2017 07:47

...by arranging his therapy or job change. He is an adult. He has to do it

Original poster
IrrelevantPeasant · 28/09/2017 08:01

I think my problem is that I know he has problems and as his wife it's my job to try and help him. However if he won't help himself there's not much I can do. It's also not fair on any of us, him included.

I think an ultimatum may be the way to go- sort this or we'll trial separation.

RiseToday he's always grumpy but usually keeps it under control until he explodes. Other examples would include swearing at kids and generally over reacting to normal child behaviour. He did call DD a lazy little fucker for not tidying her room well enough. I'm realising as I type this how bad it is. I think I need to go.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 28/09/2017 08:07

Therapy in response to an ultimatum is kind of pointless.

HolgerDanske · 28/09/2017 08:08

It's 'not ideal' that he calls his daughter stupid??

I have never once called either of my children stupid. I would have been thoroughly ashamed of myself if I had.

There does not have to be more to it than that (although the OP has clearly laid out there is more to it).

Jux · 28/09/2017 08:25

You do seem to be doing everything for him, and that makes him the centre of your attention. Stop sorting out counsellors, possible career changes and so on, he's a ownup and if he wants a career change or counselling he'll sort it himself.

When he complains about work, don't try to solve his problem for him, let him do that. Presumably if he doesn't then it's not that bad.
Same with everything else. Leave him to organise himself.

Maybe he'll step up if you leave him to it.

But the way he speaks to your dd is not on. Tell him so. Tell him if he doesn't stop then he'll be history, mean it.

RiseToday · 28/09/2017 08:34

Urgh, yes he's got some major problems.

However, it is absolutely not your job, as his wife, to fix any of this.

He needs to recognise, accept and appropriately deal with his behaviour. Yes you can play a supportive role but let's be honest, it isn't going to happen. He won't take the necessary steps.

So yes, I completely agree that you should leave and good on you for being brave enough to do it.

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