Is this as bad as a think it is?

[IrrelevantPeasant]

Been with DH for 7 years married for 2 with 3 DCs. DH has always had a temper. He's never been violent to me or the kids but we seem to go through this cycle where everything is fine for months and then slowly everything starts to build up resulting in him exploding in some way, usually taking it out on the kids.

For example, he called our DD aged 6 a stupid git for getting a question in her homework wrong. Obviously I've pulled him up on this and he says he feels really guilty etc and apologised to her but I don't feel this is enough. It's one thing recognising there is a problem but there surely needs to be some kind of action to prevent it happening again. I have suggested counselling/ anger management and have found a therapist willing to help but he is now backing out and I don't think he will go. He says that it's my fault, I'm not easy to live with and constantly nag him but when I ask him to give an example of this behaviour, he couldn't.

I'm at my wits end. When everything is fine he is a lovely man and a great dad but I can't live like this, nor is it fair on the kids. Yesterday I worked out if I would be able to support myself and 3 DCs financially by myself and the answer is yes. Should I leave? Is there anything else I can do first? Is this situation as bad as I think it is??

He is damaging your children. If he doesn't explode they are waiting for it. They are learning how relationships work, how men treat women.

Don't call him a great dad, he cannot call your daughter stupid and rage at a three year old and be a lovely man and a great dad.

Protect your children, protect yourself, get him out of the house.

Would it help if the hv or teacher had a word with him regarding his verbal abuse towards your dc?

If he isn't going to listen to you, ask a health or education professional to intervene.

The problem is that whether or not you split up, he will still be able to verbally abuse your dc. He needs to be told that this is not ok at all.

I was in this position 8 years ago. We now live in separate houses. When the children go to his house, he still shouts at them at times and I feel so bad that I am not there to protect them. If I do anything 'out of line' he shouts and screams at me - needless to say, I don't do a lot any more. What I mean is that he influences them more than I would like and because we don't all live together, it's out of my control. I hope he can get help with his problem, I really do.

By staying, the OP is legitimising her husband's behaviour. She is telling her children that it's absolutely fine for their dad to shout and swear at them, that she's good with them being told they're stupid and lazy.

Obviously, she won't be able to stop him doing that if she leaves him. But, even if he doesn't change, her children will know that his behaviour isn't acceptable and that he's wrong.

Don't underestimate the power of that.

That is good advice Millicent. My children do know that is why we don't live together. I feel better already! OP, I hope it all works out for you. x

Thanks everyone, I feel a lot better having my feelings validated. We're back to the start of the cycle now where everything is lovely which is why he doesn't think he needs help any more. I'm going to speak to him about this again and if he isn't willing to change then I'm afraid we'll be off.

The damage is already done, being nice doesn't reset the clock and eradicate past mistakes.

You already know he doesn't want to change.