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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So secretive, or am I nosey?

77 replies

ilovejared · 07/04/2007 15:19

been with my partner for 2 years. Ive never met any of his friends apart from one we met at a car show but even then my partner did his best to keep us apart. I've never met his family, we were supposed to be going to a party at his aunts but he kept 'mixing up' the dates, pretending (i assume) that he didnt know when it was and then cancelled our appearance altogether. He swears blind now that it was all a genuine mistake and he really wanted me to go and meet everyone .

He's seen lots of my old photos, from childhood, old family pics, even pics I took myself as a teenager, I've seen nothing of his past at all apart from one photo that was taken at university about 4 years ago. Whenever I ask he says there is no way I'll ever see them as he's too "embarrassed" by them.

He's never invited me to his house, he says its because he's ashamed of it, its a mess as his parents never tidy up, I said my house is a mess, I dont care and he said his is much worse....

Whenever I try and talk about his family he changes the subject and gets moody, when I ask why he says its because he doesnt like talking about them and I should respect that, I asked why he doesnt like talking about them and he says its because he would much rather me meet them and ask my questions to their faces rather than through them??? that just sounds stupid...

So is he being too secretive or am I being too nosey?

OP posts:
DeviousDaffodil · 07/04/2007 18:50

To Op, seeing this all written down, does it not seem to wierd to be true to you?
So odd.
He is living a double life.
Or at least keeping you at arms lenth.
Find out why.
If he won't tell you don't waste another two years of your life waitnignto find out.

FloatingInChocolateFondue · 07/04/2007 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catsmother · 07/04/2007 20:27

It's true of course that many retail workers are pressured into working bank holidays.

However, I have read somewhere recently that Sunday trading laws that usually let bigger shops open for 6 hours do not apply on Easter Sunday in particular. It's certainly the case round here that Tescos, Marks & Spencer, plus local garden centres are NOT open tomorrow. In fact, one of the garden centres had an ad in the local paper this week with their opening times and regarding being shut tomorrow, had printed ""they" won't let us" !

I would be tempted to visit him tomorrow at work ....

mylittlestar · 07/04/2007 20:54

Something is seriously wrong here. The texts are worrying enough. Deleting everything off his phone seems odd. And after 2 years of living this way I'd be worried too. Sorry, but I'm with all those that think he perhaps has another wife/partner somewhere...

I hope you can get to the bottom of this xx

raspberryberet · 07/04/2007 21:04

If the "well known chain store" is a large store, they don't open on Easter Day. They aren't allowed to by law.

You could, of couse, check that out for yourself very easily. Large chain stores have websites which list their branches and opening hours ...

ilovejared · 07/04/2007 21:09

I've just checked the site, they are open tomorow...9am until 3:30pm...

See everytime I check things out he's always proven right so I'm left thinking I'm just being totally paranoid but deep down I still know that something is not right...

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 07/04/2007 21:11

I agree with Lulu - I think the issue as to whether or not he might be gay is a red herring. This guy's behaviour sounds seriously dodgy, as if he at the very least isn't committed to the relationship but at worst that he has other partner(s) and children.

Pruni · 07/04/2007 21:12

Message withdrawn

mylittlestar · 07/04/2007 21:22

The best advice anyone's ever given me... trust your instincts.

JodieG1 · 07/04/2007 21:22

Just wanted to say that the porn star with the huge dick I think a lot of people have heard of esepcially as there was a film about him with Mark Walhberg in.

ScoobyDooooo · 07/04/2007 21:23

Hmm i would be worried something is not right here at all.

I agree with others he is either married & leading a double life, he could be gay, or he could have a dark secret something bad he has done in his past.

I know someone who had a bad secret (wont go into detail) but they were strange, acted strange had issues with there father & wanted to get out o there home town, there dark secret came out in the end & screwed up a lot of lives.

Other thing is he is ashamed of you or is totally ashamed of his family, maybe he does not want you to meet his friends because they will tell you things about him or he could be insecure & think you may run off with one of his friends?

I don't know but to be honest i would have to be a detective & get to the bottom of this.

elasticbandstand · 07/04/2007 22:00

if you don't trust him, just walk away from him. you are checking up on him alrady. why bother with him..

ilovejared · 07/04/2007 22:49

He's now saying that he has to work bank holidays...can they be forced into it?

OP posts:
FloatingInChocolateFondue · 07/04/2007 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elasticbandstand · 07/04/2007 23:01

perfctly reasonable i would have thought... why shouldnt you want to see him after all

oxocube · 08/04/2007 06:06

Am I missing something here? Why would the OPoster's boyfriend be gay? Married, yes, a possibility given the circumstances but if he were gay, why would he be 'secretly' dating her in the first place?

Pruni · 08/04/2007 07:46

Message withdrawn

FloatingInChocolateFondue · 08/04/2007 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilRedWG · 08/04/2007 09:11

Hmmm - I think this is one to walk away from, unless he comes clean with you. Essentially, you know nothing about this man after two years. I don't think I would feel able to trust him.

oxocube · 08/04/2007 09:20

that's what I was trying to say Chocolate fondue

doghouse · 08/04/2007 09:53

this sounds very much like what happened to my best friend who was engaged to her BF ... turned out his 'lodger' was actually his other fiance and her two children were his.

it might sound unbelievable but we were all taken in by him. he broke her heart

i would be very careful tbh.

Freckle · 08/04/2007 10:18

Yes, people can be made to work bank holidays. Bank holidays are not an automatic right unless it is stipulated as such in your contract. I think there are moves afoot to change this, but the current situation is that, if you take off bank holidays, it has to come out of your annual leave or you work them.

Freckle · 08/04/2007 10:18

Having said that, I still think he's hiding something fairly major.

ilovejared · 08/04/2007 10:54

I mentioned to him last night that I find it a bit ridiclous that after 2 years I've still not met his friends and family and so he replied "well why dont we organise something so you can meet them then?" ... so is he being genuine afterall?

OP posts:
paulaplumpbottom · 08/04/2007 11:04

not unless he actually goes through with it

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