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Original poster

So secretive, or am I nosey?

77 replies

ilovejared · 07/04/2007 15:19

been with my partner for 2 years. Ive never met any of his friends apart from one we met at a car show but even then my partner did his best to keep us apart. I've never met his family, we were supposed to be going to a party at his aunts but he kept 'mixing up' the dates, pretending (i assume) that he didnt know when it was and then cancelled our appearance altogether. He swears blind now that it was all a genuine mistake and he really wanted me to go and meet everyone .

He's seen lots of my old photos, from childhood, old family pics, even pics I took myself as a teenager, I've seen nothing of his past at all apart from one photo that was taken at university about 4 years ago. Whenever I ask he says there is no way I'll ever see them as he's too "embarrassed" by them.

He's never invited me to his house, he says its because he's ashamed of it, its a mess as his parents never tidy up, I said my house is a mess, I dont care and he said his is much worse....

Whenever I try and talk about his family he changes the subject and gets moody, when I ask why he says its because he doesnt like talking about them and I should respect that, I asked why he doesnt like talking about them and he says its because he would much rather me meet them and ask my questions to their faces rather than through them??? that just sounds stupid...

So is he being too secretive or am I being too nosey?

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovejared · 07/04/2007 16:06

No I'm not a troll.

I'm sure I've see things with his address on before, I just can't remember what it was. Maybe a driving license? He's spoken to his mum on the phone in front of me before and mentioned me so she must know about me?

I'm not sure about the possibility of him being married, he spends every night on the net talking to me and he has used a webcam before so I've seen his bedroom, single bed, lots of mess...seen a woman floating around which was him mum so bits of it do tie in, I don't undertand the secrecey though...

I found some texts on his phone once, from another woman saying "Sorry about last night, he was waking up, I had to go" and "shame you're working, we couldve met up for a drink" etc...the one that got me was "are you back yet babe?" which was sent after he would've left here...he denies all knowledge of them, says he cant remember recieving them and they're not there anymore.

If I'm honest I love the detective stuff so maybe I'm making more out of it than there is? I don't know, I'd love to catch him out though if anyone has any ideas?

OP posts:
lulumama · 07/04/2007 16:08

sounds like he is having an affair, if not married to or living with someone else, especially in the light of the texts

what does your gut instinct tell you?

lulumama · 07/04/2007 16:08

Sorry about last night, he was waking up, I had to go

maybe a child too?

LaDiDaDi · 07/04/2007 16:10

Sorry to hint at you being a troll, just wondering as to me your dp's behaviour does sound really suspicious.

Original poster
ilovejared · 07/04/2007 16:10

I don't know, I'm torn really, he comes across as very genuine but I suppose a good liar would wouldn't they? I also know my tendancy to get paranoid very quickly though.

Another thing was that he kept changing his name on his forums all the time, changing his email address constantly and his msn, when I eventually asked him why he kept doing it he either said "I fancied a change" or one time he told me that his mad ex kept finding him through his forums etc , thats another things too, he wont discuss his ex's, just says he wants to leave that part of his life behind...?

OP posts:
WanderingTrolley · 07/04/2007 16:12

Follow him.

You want these and a hat.

lulumama · 07/04/2007 16:13

sounds like his exes might not all be exes and a man escaping his past and not letting his current girlfriend meet his family has something big to hide

WanderingTrolley · 07/04/2007 16:13

Is he gay?

Ifonlyhewould · 07/04/2007 16:14

Well, he is definatley keeping you on the outside of 'his' life, whatever the reason, he isn't letting you in. After 2 years together you would expect more than this from a partner.

batters · 07/04/2007 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elasticbandstand · 07/04/2007 16:27

i find it amazing that you have been with him for 2 years and see each other fortnigntly? that is quite a lack of committment dont you think,
what about christmas. can yo demand to meet his family and friends?

Original poster
ilovejared · 07/04/2007 16:40

When we first got together he seemed pretty desperate to move in with me, he said he'd had enough of where he lived and wanted to start a new life with me, being a sceptical person anyway I thought he was just looking for an easy way to move out of his parents house but then my friends and family started questioning why he was so desperate to move away from his own town, my uncle put it as "what is he running away from?".

The first christmas he spent with us but he went home after dinner on christmas day, last year he spent the whole of christmas with his family (whoever they are!) but another thing that gets me is that he works 'EVERY' bank holiday, he's even working tomorow (easter sunday) any normal person would want to be with their gf/bf's surely?

As for the gay thing, I have my suspitions funnily enough but thats a whole new thread!

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 07/04/2007 16:45

What does he do for a job? have you visited him at work?

Original poster
ilovejared · 07/04/2007 16:48

He works at a well known chain store (dont really want to say which one!) but I've never been in it but I have seen his ID card and his uniform...

OP posts:
catsmother · 07/04/2007 16:48

This isn't you being nosey. This is completely understandable concern over who this man is, and what his true circumstances are.

I can tell you now that after 2 years, most men would be upset if you HADN'T met his family or friends ..... they would be falling over themselves to organise it (unless, and I hate to say this, he has no intention of a future with you, doesn't want to be with you, but can't pluck up the courage or whatever to actually tell you).

The working every bank holiday is highly suspicious. What job does he do ? ....... even the emergency services get holidays sometimes. Have you checked out his workplace (yellow pages, 192.con, company website etc) ?

Have you ever driven or walked past where he is supposed to live ? ...... as his g/f of 2 years, you would be quite within your rights to knock on the door as you were "passing" ?

Sorry, but this screams at me that he has another life. Think about it, families normally expect to spend bank holidays together ........

If you actually want a continued "relationship" with this man, it's time for some straight talking and straight answers. No excuses, no "memory lapses", no getting dates "mixed up". His silly excuses about childish friends and messy parents don't wash.

motherinferior · 07/04/2007 16:53

Hmm, yes, I'm with all the suspicious ones.

raspberryberet · 07/04/2007 17:28

My guess would be that he's married. Everything you say about him points squarely in that direction.

Even if he's not, his heart isn't in this relationship, and he has no intention of letting you be a big part of his life.

motherinferior · 07/04/2007 17:29

Going by his history, I'd say that at the point when you met him he was relatively available - either his marriage had broken down or he was genuinely single - but that since then he isn't.

motherinferior · 07/04/2007 17:30

I mean that at some point after that first Christmas he got back with his partner, or took up with someone else as well as you.

It's just my guess, mind.

Pruni · 07/04/2007 17:37

Message withdrawn

Ifonlyhewould · 07/04/2007 17:39

And now you have our opinions to confirm your suspicions, what do you think you will do? Are you going o confront him or just let things carry on the way they are?

paulaplumpbottom · 07/04/2007 18:13

Give him an ultimatum. Say either you introduce me to friends and family or its over.

LaBoheme · 07/04/2007 18:23

Oh darling something is definately up. I think from what you say he may be with someone else, possibly another man. What a weird thing to say ...you must have been paid to go out with him.., that is v v odd and texts don't sound too good at all. you are 100% NOT being nosey, this is weird for 2 yrs on.

Original poster
ilovejared · 07/04/2007 18:35

Well the gayness - maybe that's just my imagination but some of the things he says just sound a bit 'off' for a man...for instance he knows the name of a well known porn star (male) who is supposed to have something that a 16" penis, why would a man know that? not only does he know his name...he pointed this man out in a music video recently so he knows him by his face too...(I can't remember the name of him now).

Also, when well toned men come on tv he says things like "that's the kind of body I want..." but then in another breath he'll acuse me of fancying the man in question, only in a jokey way but it's all the time, I just find it a bit wierd.

He also acusesed me of fancying people that he likes such as Richard Hammond and the bloke from ordinary boys, he knows full well that I don't go for that kind of man but he constantly goes on about them himself and then turns around and says "you fancy him!" maybe he's just being a prat but I've never known other men to act/talk like this.

His friends apparantly always accuse him of being gay too, he's always had the nickname "big gay d..." and so he constantly spurts out homophobic nonsense as if he's trying to prove himself.

The texts I was fuming about, I KNEW something was going on when I read those but since then he's taken his phone everywhere with him and on the odd occasion that I have managed to get hold of it it's been empty so he's obviously deleting.

OP posts:
lulumama · 07/04/2007 18:39

lok, regardlesss of whether he is gay or married or whatever

he is not committed to you

he is lying to you

he might have another lover , male or female, or even a wife and child

walk away,, you;ve already had 2 years of this...