grown apart - blokes point of view

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First post here and I am a bloke so apologies in advance...

Both mid 40s Married 16 years with 3 kids all over 7

I've just come to the conclusion that my wife is no longer attracted to me. She likes me (when we're not arguing) as a friend, a partner, a house mate. She says I'm a good husband and a good dad. We do work quite well together with the kids, the money, school runs, you know the day to day functioning of a family. No money worries, no problems with kids, no one else involved. A month ago I concluded that she no longer fancies me and since then we've struggled to speak to each other without arguing. Ironically this all came about immediately after a brilliant no expense spared family holiday. After 2 weeks in France we got home maybe midnight and had a lazy Sunday morning laughing about the holiday which then went on to me telling her how hot she looked with her suntan etc. The kids were clearly zonked out for hours and I guess I was getting a bit amorous. Sex has never been too plentiful (my view not hers) but her reaction was along the lines of "what the hell's wrong with you? Its bloody morning time and you had it twice on holiday". Her view is that more than once a week is abnormal. We argued about this. And then we realised that it was always me that initiated intimacy, it was always a bit of a chore to get over and done with, its never adventurous, always lights off, there was often a thousand excuses, and lots of maybe tomorrow if you are a good boy. It's not the actual lack of sex that's my problem, it's the stuff that goes with it, the fun, the excitement, the closeness. So we've been to Relate and we need sex counselling but it's not clear at the mo if any is available in our area. The thing is she's told me she's not attracted to me in that way and I'm a bit boring. Since she's said that I've suddenly lost all interest in her as well. Its a month now without even talking except to argue and every time we talk we seem to say things that makes it harder to back track. It's 1 am at the moment and I'm awake thinking so I thought why don't I just talk to some complete strangers.

The simple answer to this is focus less on your wife and more on yourself and self improvement, whether that's getting in shape, expanding your horizons, gaining new skills or building a bigger network of relationships in your life, which is a plan that quite frankly can't go wrong
Or maybe that reinforces the view that you're only interested in yourself and satisfying your own needs.

Well I'm sorry but that last update does NOT paint you in a good light.
Why are you strict with the DC?
Life is short - childhood is short - she probably want's you to chill out and enjoy your DC not be strict all the time.

You want to 'punish' her?
Oh deary me!

You don't have to cook 3 different meals.
Sit down as a family and find some recipes you all like.

It would appear you are busy and out of the house a lot.
Doing hobbies, gym, etc....
Maybe spend some time with your DW enjoying each others company?

Just because you do some extreme things on holiday does not mean you as a person are not boring.

I honestly think she's just 'not that into you' anymore.
She doesn't want to make an effort to fix things.
You can't fix this on your own.

Yeh, I was all supportive until that update. Prepare to be roasted OP.

There's almost too much to comment on, so to keep it simple, have you asked her what she wants to do as a family and as a couple? So much of what you've said seems to revolve around things you like doing, or what the kids are doing.

Actually I think the OP sounds fab, but just to say OP if your wife just isn't that into sex, then she isn't , no amount of anything will change that I feel and it very often isn't personal , although I appreciate it may feel that way. I can honestly say at 55 I will try and make an effort but am honestly not that bothered , even if it was George clooney etc . If it's a total deal breaker for you then you have hard choices,

And I think once a week is not bad, if you are expecting a lot more then clearly you may be in for a fair bit of disappointment after first few years with someone new, I can't predict that but as a straw poll on here I would say it's a 60/40 chance you will

You know she's not into sporty stuff but then you keep listing sporty stuff as the reasons you're not boring.

The only 'interest' of hers you seem aware of are drunken nights down the pub. I'm sure she has more. Showing interest in other people's passions is a good way of not appearing self absorbed and boring.

Finally, I'd want to get away for weekends, too, if I was dumped with all the cooking and housework and taxiing for my whole family! Especially if my husband wouldn't make time for any of that, but had time to excercise for a few hours most days. (I'd also go off sex with my husband if he seemed to view me as his housekeeper.)

If you genuinely want your wife to fancy you again, try doing the absolute most you can do around the house and with lifts for the kids, and not the least. Honestly, try it.

OP, you don't seem to see her as a person in her own right (more as an extension of the home/housework, your hobbies & kids activities) & someone you are entitled to have sex with.

Have you ever asked her what would make her happy, what is important to her?

OP, you say you want to do more things together, have you asked her what she'd like to do? There's that saying isn't there; 'Couples that play together, stay together' so finding shared activities are a great idea.

Reading your post, I kept thinking of you as some kind of superhero like 'LOOK AT ME EVERYONE!' Aren't I great! I'm sure this is not who you think you are but do you think your wife might think this? Let me try and explain. So you do all of these exciting things, she must facilitate this for you with her looking after the children? Tbh she could get involved but maybe she feels left behind now and maybe it's not her bag? I don't know. I'd try and find something that she enjoys?

Latest is that I've stopped flirting with her completely. So no looking at her, no cheeky texts, no squeezing past her in the kitchen etc. Another problem for her was that I was always turned on and horny and only ever said she looked nice because I wanted to have sex with her. This lack of flirting was meant to be a punishment for her but has back fired as she's settled into it fine.

So you kept doing sexy flirting and rubbing up against her. She said that the only attention you paid to her was sexual, and she didn't like it. Then you stopped and she was happy. And you think that consequence is not logical?

"In the run up to Xmas I realised I was booked in for babysitting just about every weekend"

Its not babysitting if they are your kids FFS! Its PARENTING just like your wife does.

You are a parent You chose to be a parent. You see it as womens work. This attitude is not a turn on.

Its partly because of this that more and more women are choosing not to have children.

You are not babysitting You are their bloody father. Perhaps if you behaved like it instead of intimating that its womens work she might want to fuck you.

If you took me to watch you white water rafting, water skiing, cliff jumping and paragliding, I would find that pretty boring as I'm not into sports, either. I'd also find it boring if you were frequently up unitl midnight doing paperwork for your company - leaving me to look after the kids then sit alone - and then expected me to be interested in that same company that meant you had no time for me. I'd find it boring if, on top of working overtime, you decided to use your remaining spare time to run not one but two football teams. I'd also find it very dull if you wanted to fill up my bath with oil that I then had to scrub off the next day.

She doesn't have to like those things. You have chosen of your own accord to marry a woman who's not interested in those things. If you aren't satisfied with the result it's not her fault.

How about the things that she likes doing; are you interested in any of them? If not, could you find something neither of you have done until now but both like the idea of? It does sound like you have few interests in common...

OP this is an article about emotional labour. You need to read it Read it dont just skim it.

www.redonline.co.uk/red-women/news-in-brief/women-arent-nagswere-just-fed-up

I'm 51 and think you sound fabulous. At this point in life, I wouldn't have any patience with a spouse who wanted to take off all the time and leave the raising of the children and running of the home to me (I think 1 weekend a year is plenty for separate holidays). Or who wanted to eat junk food and drink too much. That just doesn't work for our bodies as we mature.

Does your wife work?

I think she sounds spoiled and like she just likes to spend the money you make, with no actual interest in having a relationship with you.

My vote is to make an exit plan and end the relationship before you have an affair, which seems inevitable to me.

Reading your posts, what do you do as a family that she actually suggests, enjoys or wants to take part in?

It doesn't look like you are affectionate without having sex on your mind.

And you seem too busy (you don't have to manage two kids teams, FGS) to actually pay any attention to her.

You say you "help" at home, so that's another issue, as you see the home as her turf and you're just a helper there.

It looks like you've lost her, OP. I'm not surprised.

Shit husband, shit father. Your wife deserves better.