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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be suspicious?

31 replies

Nicol06 · 07/04/2007 07:03

I don't know why, but dh has a password lock on his mobile phone. He works for a national corporation as a state manager, so he spends a lot of time dealing with people and I'm sure gets lots of messages & emails to his phone. I can understand having it on there for security reasons, but at home on the weekends..?! I was looking for something before and found his phone turned on, but locked - and you need a password to access it. Would you be suspicious?

I know what he would say if I asked him about it. Secretly he would probably be a bit annoyed & think I was snooping, but he always manages to give me some reason to make things sound feasible - therefore I doubt that I would get a completely honest answer anyway. He hasn't been doing anything else to make me suspicious (except loss of interest in sex, but that's another story), he's usually very loving and always lets me know where he is and what he's doing. But I can't help feeling as though there might be something I'm not supposed to know. Would anyone be upset or suspicious about this?

OP posts:
powder28 · 07/04/2007 07:14

I wouldnt be suspicious about the phone being locked, but it sounds like you think you have reason to be suspicious for other reasons.

PregnantGrrrl · 07/04/2007 07:17

no, and i think you need to have a good think at why you're feeling like this before it escalates into paranoia etc. You said yourself he's loving and attentive- it's not as though he goes out every weekend without you until 4am.

BandofBunnies · 07/04/2007 07:22

If you were looking for something legit on it, look again in front of him, and then innocently sy. Oh Honey, you're phone has a password on it????
And see what he says.

PregnantGrrrl · 07/04/2007 07:26

or you could just be honest and ask him, and tell him what you're thinking

earlgrey · 07/04/2007 07:26

H bought a filing cabinet back from work. It had a key and he locked it. Nothing wrong with that, but as others have said, there must be something that's worrying you too. It would bother me, but only because there's been lots of other stuff that's led me to become suspicious.

I'd have to ask him, but beware of lies and the consequencies of asking him. On the other hand it may be nothing, but it's bothering you, and that shouldn't happen. Really feel for you. XXX

Original poster
Nicol06 · 07/04/2007 07:29

But I'm not sure why he needs to lock it at home on the weekends. He doesn't like leaving his phone lying around and I suppose it bothers me that he always has to have it with him, at home he carries it around in his pockets or puts it on his bedside table at night so that it's never far out of his reach. He's always checking it for messages etc, which does annoy me because sometimes we'll be in the middle of a conversation and he'll be looking at his phone - being distracted etc, IYKWIM.

I am not paranoid but at the same time I think he feels that his phone is 'out of bounds' to me and I don't know why.

OP posts:
BandofBunnies · 07/04/2007 07:32

Is his work REALLY important?? Is he on call for something?? DH is on call every third week, but dreads the thing going off.
I would be annoyed by his checking in middle of convo, but that might be the best time to ask him. Politely what is so important that he does it while talking to you.

PregnantGrrrl · 07/04/2007 07:32

but you also said yourself that he has an important job, and if it was my DP he'd still leave it locked at the wkend because 1. he would forget to unlock it 2. he'd forget to lock it again for work on Monday.

unless there's something else he's doing too, you could well be worrying about nothing. seriously, why not just tell him what you're worried about?

BandofBunnies · 07/04/2007 07:35

Good point pgrrl. DH always locks his, and couldn't be arsed to change all the settings just for the weekend. Perhaps he has nosy coworkers. We keep ours locked so dd1 doesn't use all our credit calling random people.
DH always has his in one of those belt case things. But he's just wierd about his phone!!!!

hurtwife · 07/04/2007 07:39

Hi

I think i would be suspicious - but i have my own reasons for that. Is it just the phone or are there other things. It depends on how open a realionship you have. I am quite an open person - if you have nothing to hide ect.
He should be able to put the phone down at times though and not have to check it all the time. Is it just for work? Could he not use it at the weekends.

How about asking to use his when you are out becasue yours is 'not working'.
Get some friends to text you and put a lock on your phone - he wont like that i bet.

I did that and my h tried everything to answer my phone at times.

PregnantGrrrl · 07/04/2007 07:41

but really, why not just ask?! Bottling this up and thinking of cunning ways to catch him out will only make you feel worse.

what's wrong with 'DP, i know this may sound silly, but your phone being locked bothers me a bit...' Gauge his reaction from there, and talk about it.

BandofBunnies · 07/04/2007 07:45

Good idea hurt wife. Let your battery go flat, or run outof credit. Then you can ask him.

bouncy · 07/04/2007 07:52

The phone being locked wouldn't bother me, it does seem as though you have other reasons to be bothered by this.

Personally I would just ask why its locked if it bothers you that much, I would be much more pee'd off with that he looks at it while talking to you, but seriously you might save yourself a lot of grief if you just ask him straight out rather than finding ways to catch him out.

powder28 · 07/04/2007 07:54

A bit rude to be checking his phone when youre talking to him, that would annoy me.

powder28 · 07/04/2007 07:58

I think you should be suspicious really, if he is constantly checking his phone.

Ask him outright the question you are reluctabnt to ask. His reaction and body language will give him away.

Original poster
Nicol06 · 07/04/2007 08:06

Ok I asked him, and he said that his phone locks automatically if you don't use it for half an hour or so. He has one of those cell phones that also has email etc, similar to a Blackberry. I looked at him dubiously and he seemed a bit defensive about it, as though I was going on about nothing.

He does get an awful lot of business calls and there have been quite a few work related problems lately, so perhaps it's more habit or wanting to be 'in the know', IYKWIM. But the fact that the phone is either locked or welded to his hand or ear, does get to me. I don't know whether to believe his reasons or not - perhaps I will have to check how this particular phone operates & see if his story checks out.

OP posts:
BandofBunnies · 07/04/2007 08:07

My phone locks automatically after about 15 seconds. I think you can set the time limit. It's useful if you carry it in your pocket or something as you wont dial by accident.

Original poster
Nicol06 · 07/04/2007 08:08

So does mine, BandofBunnies, but it doesn't need a password to open it!

OP posts:
BandofBunnies · 07/04/2007 08:16

Is it HIS phone or the companies??

Original poster
Nicol06 · 07/04/2007 08:38

It's his phone, but part of his employment deal was that he had to pay for his own mobile phone. So it's for both work and personal use - mainly work though.

OP posts:
powder28 · 07/04/2007 08:44

If he has nothing to hide he wont mind showing you his texts, emails etc...

He may have a strop about it but there should be no reason you cant look at it. if he says anything tell him its his behaviour that is making you paranoid.

Surely he wouldnt want you to think you cant trust him...

edam · 07/04/2007 08:44

Apparently passwords are usually easy to guess - an amazing number of people use 'PASSWORD' or significant dates or names - birthday, middle name and so on. Should you be tempted to have a go.

bouncy · 07/04/2007 08:45

I can put a lock on my phone and did when my boy was younger, I needed a 4 digit code to open it.

babywhiting · 07/04/2007 09:18

for some you only get 3 guesses before you lock the phone completely though so guess right!!!!!

Ifonlyhewould · 07/04/2007 10:03

Maybe he just locks/checks it our of habit. You know what these boys are like with their toys. If you have no other reason to suspect him of being up to no good then I don't think you have reason to be suspicious.
I think the best way forward is to talk to him. Don't be attempting to check his phone without him knowing. This will just escalate into something big!!

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