Have I any chance of leaving my husband

[Borris]

I'm feeling so trapped

Several years ago I managed to leave my EA husband with our dc. He persuaded me he'd changed, had counselling etc and I moved back (I know!!)

Things were good for a while. He got a new job several hours away from home.

We all moved there to stay together as a family.

6 months later he got made redundant.

That was 18 months ago. The EA has been creeping back in. It's in a different, more subtle way. Less name calling and rudeness. But I'm tiptoeing round again and he sulks and ignores me if I upset him.

Recently a friend at our church took me to one side and asked if he always spoke to me how she witnessed and said that no one should speak to me like that. That's opened my eyes. I feel sick and realise that he is controlling me again.

I want to move back home with the dc. I had friends there, family, a good job, a nice church.

But he's SAHD as out of work. The dc are settled in school here. He's making no effort to find work

If I moved back I could go back to my old job 3 d a week.

But he'd never let me move dc. And as he is SAHD wouldn't he get to stop me moving with them.

I feel such a fool. I could be happy and settled if I'd not gone back

I don't see a way out other than waiting till dc leave home but that's years away.

First thoughts, I'd move back. The kids would settle in another school, mine did. Are you a Christian OP?

But can I move back with dc without husbands permission. As he is SAHD can he refuse to let them come with me.

I don't want to move back without them.

Yes I'm a Christian. Well we are but I don't see much of it in him.

If I was in your position, I'd move back with the kids...you're not moving country are you?

Is there anyone at church that can support you or give you any advice? On a faith level, is there a prayer group who could pray for you?

Your dh could take you to court to prevent the move - if he had enough time -
If you had a case against him an order could stand in your favour..
Gather evidence and speak to a solicitor. .
And you need to stash some cash too.
Confide in someone in rl to help you. .
You can do this op.

You need urgent legal advice.

As he is a SAHD he may argue that he's the main carer for your children, and as it's you that wishes to end the relationship then you leave him in the family home with the children and pay him maintenance.

Get yourself to a solicit asap.

I think the friend at church would support me. She says I can phone her whenever. I cried when she talked to me. It was such a relief to know I wasn't crazy.

She suggested keeping a diary of the things he does so I've started that. Although for the first few weeks after my realisation he was lovely. But the last few days he's been sulky and unkind again. Which has prompted my posting.

No I'd be moving counties but not country.

I have some money.

I'm so scared of him getting an order to prevent a move.

I feel so sick that we moved for his job and now I'm the one working full time when I loved working part time. And I feel like me being full time would result in him getting greater custody of dc

The only reason he's SAHD is that he got made redundant. But he's made no effort to find another job. I was part time until we moved here. It feels so unfair.

Just thinking. Would trying to persuade us all to move home be an option and then separate later be an option. Seems a bit callous to move him back on false pretences though. Although he'd have better chance of getting a new job there than here

Why don't you try the Freedom Course? You could ask him to leave if it feels safe to do so. He might refuse but if he is, as you say, abusive then women's aid may be able to advise you of your rights as far as safety is concerned.

*Freedom Program

Personally I'd build up my running away fund, apply for schools for kids near your family and also arrange a place to stay. Then I'd simply take the kids and leave and start divorce proceedings thereafter.

I wouldn't care whether it's callous or not, I'd be taking care of my kids and myself.

Are you renting or do you have something to sell? If you need to sell you could then move back and just rent. Start divorce proceedings and then divide the assets easier perhaps.

Or if you are renting you take the new rental in just your name then tell him to move out.

Or just leave. Rent your own place. You can settle access arrangements via the court.

Talk to a solicitor as soon as you can.

You need to put yourself in a position of as much strength as possible. An EA partner will suck as strength from you.

So the entire family moving back to your old home so you will be in a greater position of strength when you separate might help. But you have to balance that against the risk that he might try digging in his heels and refusing to move.

Good luck with everything!

Your plan of convincing him to move back then separating was what I was thinking. I couldn't care less about being callous, it is him or you here. He hasn't worried about being kind to you for the last few years, has he.
The other thing to do as well, is to look into how you build a good case to show his emotional abuse.

How old are the dc? Unless they are taking exams shortly most children adapt to changing schools. WA may be able to refer you to a solicitor.

Christ, don't worry about being callous!!!

Call solicitors in your area, some offer 30 mins free advice. Take it.

First you need to recalibrate your thinking about his status.. he's not a SAHD, he's unemployed.

Second if he lost the job you moved for, there's nothing keeping you there - adrift and with no practical support.

I'd be looking for a new job in my home county.

I go with the plan to convince him to move back.

How old are DC?

You should leave. It will influence them if they have to live with EA.

Please get legal advice. And ask your church friend for support .

Thanks everyone for the wise advice and kindness.
DC are primary age. He is a good dad except has pretty high standards for school work, sports and general 'effort' in life.

I'm certain he would point blank refuse to leave the family home. He does not think he's done anything wrong. In fact when I called him out on the way he spoke to me recently he initially said there was nothing wrong with it at all. Although he did apologise the next day as "it's not worth making me react this way"

I am writing things down. The problem is most things are really minor - sulking when I'm 5 minutes late for dinner, pointedly not asking about an evening spent with an old friend even when I bring it up, ignoring me after I've phoned my parents etc.

He would say he's done everything I asked when we got back together- no longer outwardly criticising my body post dc, no longer refusing any contact with my parents etc.

But he now refuses to comment on which dress looks best as "it's not worth getting into that" which tells me he still doesn't think I look ok otherwise he could say dress a looks nice. He never complements me. We have no physical intimacy as he prefers a more toned body. It ruins your self confidence.

So I think I will try and get some proper legal advice. I'm just so frightened of ending up in a home alone having to pay him to look after dc when I dearly would love to work less hours and do more school runs.

Will work on us all moving back. After all my desire to move back would be of equal importance to his to stay here. I'm sure I could return to my old job.

Sorry for rambling

I don't feel you are rambling at all op. To me it looks like you are being very clear about what you want to happen and at the same time working through what has happened to date.

We are here and ready to listen to you op - whatever it is you want to say. Whatever you feel is justified. Keep on thinking it through and working out what you want for you and your dc.

Getting some proper legal advice sounds like a really good first step.

Keep on making notes - they may seem minor to you but they all add up to make a picture of someone not treating you in a good way. They all spell out the way he is. Write everything down you can think of - dates are very good to include.

It might help to look at the womens aid website - to give you more of an idea of inappropriate/appropriate behaviour and to help with what to include in your notes.

There's a good book too called 'Why Does He Do That' which will give you more insight - if thats what you want.

It's ok to ask for and get support here and with your RL friend.

You are right to be making plans. You keep saying about wanting to return to your 3 day a week job. Most parents can't afford to work part time (although of course many would love to) and I don't mean to sound mean. Could you go back to your old job 5 days a week? Would your wage cover the wrap around childcare you'd need (you said they're primary age so no hefty nursery fees anymore) along with other life costs? No-one 'needs' to be a stay at home parent for primary kids so he needs to get a job. Would he accept help with the job search? Only saying this as you mentioned being worried he'll get main custody due to being the stay at home parent. Most of us on here don't know what's best though so I really think you should get proper advice. Maybe start with women's aid and go from there. Continue to be the strong woman you are proving yourself to be. You will get there.

Right, lovely Borris

The problem is most things are really minor - death by a thousand cuts can grind you down more than the obvious stuff, because you are doing your own self-sabotage and telling yourself you are the one being ridiculous - he doesn't have to do it because you are doing the work for him. I suspect your default is to be in maximum minimisation mode while beating yourself up about it, adding in all the desperation and upset about having allowed him to persuade you to return to him only to find yourself here again.

Time to stop beating yourself up for what you have or haven't done in the past, and time to get angry at him for his behaviour. It won't change. Time to get busy making plans for your future (and DCs) - positive action will help you feel more in control.

1. Get legal advice. It may be that it doesn't tell you anything you don't know, but knowing will stop the wondering and help with plan-making.
2. Keep a diary (on here on on your computer, in a password-protected doc). These can be admissable in court if you need to show how he's been treating you/how long it's been going on. Find any diaries from when you left before, in whatever form they may be.
3. Contact Women's Aid. I know you will probably say it's not bad enough for that, but it is control and emotional abuse, no matter where it is on the scale. And having been experiencing it for so long you know how hard it is to leave so get all the help you can get. And it also contributes to the paper trail showing the abuse. I emailed them as I couldn't face calling in the first instance.
4. Keep talking to your friend, don't keep anything back as it is his shameful behaviour not yours so don't keep his secrets, that's what he's relying on. But please make sure they wouldn't say anything to your husband. (Or if she tells her partner is she has one, that they won't think it's a good idea to try and talk to him about it - people that don't understand abuse can think it can all just be smoothed over with a good discussion. It can't, as you know.)
5. Make a plan, keep lawyers and WA informed (and police if necessary, telling them that you are leaving an abusive relationship and you think your STBX may make malicious reports about you kidnapping DC/try and snatch them back, etc).
6. Execute plan.
7. Tell FW to stay FOTTFSOF for good this time.

One step at a time, ducks in a row time. Plan, plan, plan. You have left before, so you know you can do it again. You have been through it once so you know what pitfalls to avoid and how not to get drawn back in. Think of it as a dry run. This time you are doing it for reals. One step at a time, don't get overwhelmed trying to look too far ahead. First step is legal advice. Go for it.