Partner isn't sure/is scared of having children.

[Elizabeth1986]

Hi everyone,

I am in desparate need of help, advice and ideally - someone who has already been in this situation to tell me this is all going to be okay.

I am 31 and my partner of 7 years is 34. We've lived together for 5 years and have a dog and a very happy life together. 3 years ago I got pregnant after being on the pill but a bit lax with taking it. I had an abortion at 8 weeks and do not regret it, it was the right thing to do. At the time, we discussed that we both weren't ready to be parents but that we did want children in the future.

In January, my partner confessed to me that he isn't sure if he wants children but more than that, that he doesn't know what his 'purpose in life is.' He is a very intense person, and (I feel), overthinks every decision until he is 110% sure he is happy with it. This isn't just in our relationship, but in life/work too even down to tiny decisions. He had a tough childhood. His family were very poor and very religious, and he is not. He suffered with depression as a teenager to the extent he was off school for a year. He then picked himself off, put himself through university and has a fantastic job now.

We love each other and, if children weren't an issue, we would get married. He won't propose to me until he is sure that he wants children. After telling me his feelings in January, I gave him a year to decide.

He is still not sure and is feeling extremely pressured to make a decision about it. He says he looks back at his childhood and the first word that comes to his head is 'struggle'. He was bullied as a result of their religion and the fact they were very poor. He is terrified of having children for this reason. As well as this, he doesn't know if children will stop him doing what he wants to do if he ever finds out what 'his purpose in life is'. He has a fantastic job and he enjoys working hard but he doesn't feel like it is fulfilling his purpose (whatever that means)

As for me, I had a wonderful, magical, childhood and I see my parents and siblings as friends. I am very much more of an optimistic person and feel that, whatever happens in life, you deal with it when it comes. I cannot be childless, I can't see myself being happy without having a family. But I love my partner so much and can't imagine being without him. I've tried to explain to him how I want to make him happy, and give him the family life he didn't have as a child but he is still uncertain. More than anything in the world, he wants to want the same things as me. He is going through weekly counselling which is helping, but she feels it is something that can't be rushed.

Please, someone, help me see a way through this. I can't bring myself to talk to my best friends who are all pregnant/engaged and happy, their happiness makes me feel so much worse... which is why I'm turning to you all in the hope that you can help me see me a way through this. Do I give him more time? Has anyone been through a similar thing? Has anyones husband/partner been terrified of being a father and then loved it?

Thank you for reading my outpourings... x

You've given him a year, love. That's plenty of time. If he hasn't made up his mind by January, then the kindest thing you can dodos everyone is move on quickly

It's tough. I've been there. Judge his actions, which will be clear, not his words, which will eternally be confused.

Yeah I think there's a good chance he may not want to have children

If it's really important to you then you may need to consider if this relationship should continue or not

I would worry that he might decide to have children to keep you and then change his mind. I can't imagine 9 months of nerves that he might have second thoughts and leave me holding the baby.

The "purpose" stuff rings alarms for me, like he might one day decide to "be selfish" and have a mid-life crisis. I would move on.

Also it sounds like he might genuinely struggle with parenting even if it's what he wants. You would potentially have to help him deal with that and it might be hard going for you to parent with someone who struggles. I'm not saying don't do it, but he needs to consider getting help with how he would cope with all this when he is actually a parent. This isn't just an issue of making the decision whether to go ahead or not.

I think more people who are “on the fence”, especially at 34, are likely to lean towards not wanting children. Not all, of course - people have kids in their 40s these days - but as a society we are so obsessed with telling people they will change their minds with children that childfree people generally refrain from using absolutes, even though they know deep don’t they won’t change their mind.

It’s not something to compromise on, if, as you say, you cannot imagine life without children, you will have to move on. I’m not saying it will be easy, but this is a massive issue and I don’t think it is something that either of you should “give in” on. You’re only 31, there is plenty of time to find someone and have a family with them, with someone who actually wants them.

Honestly, if he over thinks things to this extent I can't see him ever getting to the point where he can say he wants children. It's always a leap of faith and no one can give any guarantees. His focus on his "purpose in life" would also concern me a little bit - IMO we create our own purpose in life, and like a PP it also sounds to me slightly self-obsessed and like there is a risk he is going to decide down the line that his 'purpose in life' isn't compatible with being there for your kids. Perhaps I do him a disservice there, I don't know, but that's what would worry me.

You've been clear about what you want and given him a year - I wouldn't give more.

He's had 7 years. If he doesn't know by now he never will. He can keep up this neurosis into his 40s.

My hunch is that he doesn't want kids and this is all spin to to keep you as long as possible. The handwringing is very self indulgent. The difficult childhood is a red herring. Many people have difficult childhoods. and it doesn't put them off having their own. Some want to create something better for their kids - the kind of childhood they never had.

I would leave now. He is telling you he doesn't want them - even if he does there a whole heap of issues.

Will he resent the baby, will he want a second? You might want a third.

I limped on for years with a man who didn't decide - luckily I got out of it. Met dh and he loves kids.

In answer to your specific question, the only men I know of who were 'terrified' of being a father legged it when the children were small.

I'd suggest that someone terrified of being a father won't make a very good one, anymore than someone terrified of flying would make a good pilot.

I think it's clear that he doesn't want children. OP, I think you have to accept that you will either be with your partner and not have children or have to leave and have children with someone else.

It really is a leap of faith and if he waits for absolutes and sureties it will never happen. I wasn't even sure I wanted children before I had them. Dh had a vague idea that children would be 'great' in a fun kind of way. He wanted 3 before we had any. We both happily stopped at 2! I had my first baby at 32, and second at 35. My dh was 40 when our second dc was born.

I think you need to give him a bit of a deadline. Another 6 months? He's had a long time to think (and I agree he's over-thinking it too much). You say children are a must for you. It's not fair to not make a decision one way or another.

To be honest, I'd be frustrated that he thinks having a child will mean it will be automatically bullied etc. My DF had a terribly upbringing, was abandoned and neglected. He couldn't wait to start his own family to do it all differently and better - he was an amazing father.

You need a decision from him OP. Soon.

In answer your question about giving him more time. You need to place your happiness and your life at the forefront of your mind. It's all very well waiting around for your partner to decide but are you happy to just wait till he's ready to come to a decision?

He doesn't sound c as though he wants a child, rather he is finding ways to convince himself or you.
If you definitely want a child then it is probably best to end it.
I agree with other posters in that it is very easy for a man to upsticks and leave, stating that he needs to 'find' himself. My friends dd's partner recently left her and his child, stating that he wanted to travel and family life didn't fit in with that any more.

Have you given him until this January? Make it clear that from January you will no longer be using contraception, and it's up to him. If he bulk buys condoms or gets a vasectomy, you have your answer.

I left my husband because he didn't want children. It was the right decision as three years later I met dh. But even if I hadn't had a child, that would have been better than living with someone who wanted completely different things from me.

This sounds v, v like my husband and I, literally every part of it including the ages and relationship history except the fact that DH had a happy childhood. I gave him till I was 30: then I basically gave him another year. He really, really tried at that point. He went to counselling solely to discuss the children issue, he talked to male friends about it.

Can I ask- you obviously know him really well. Do you think he would enjoy being a father? Be good at it? I never had any doubt DH would love it and be great at it - I still don't - I just felt he was getting in his own way.

We're currently TTC, DH is v excited, it's been three years since we agreed to have children though it's taken longer than planned. Lots more of our friends have done so in this time period, so it seems less alien, but he genuinely wants it as much as I do now.

The main issues with DH were: 1) he was in the middle of a big career change, he defined himself by his work a bit, and knew I wouldn't accept less than an equal partner in parenting so crazy long hours and leaving me to do pickups and sort childcare wouldn't fly. He worried that having gone to huge time and expense to retrain in his thirties, he would end up having to not give it the attention it needed.

2. the enormity of the choice, and the fact that the children involved had no say. He's v conscientious by nature, I think he was afraid that if he wasn't 100% certain- if he didn't have the obvious longing for children I did- then once they arrived, if he regretted it, there was no going back and while messing up his life was one thing, bringing children into the world then regretting their existence was too big a risk.

3. general issues about making choices that can't be changed back, and a vague sense that maybe our lives would be better if we had exciting holidays and Saturday brunches with friends.

Ultimately, what helped was partly him getting a job in his new career and realising that it would be possible to do both. Not in as crazy a way as he might have if he'd done it in his twenties, e.g. He couldn't take overseas placements, but we went long distance for a while to let him get experience. But most of the things he couldn't do with children he couldn't do with me, because I wasn't going to give up my job and follow him around, and actually maternity leave may end up giving us more time to experiment and say for him to spend six months in an overseas office with me and baby in tow.

This sounds a bit like the 'purpose' issue your DP has- what does he really mean by that? Because if it's incompatible with children then it's incompatible with you, and if not, it's possible. Is he afraid he'll have to be the breadwinner? DHs old career was higher earning than this one, deep down he was worried a child would mean I expected him to go back to a job he hated for more money, which was never something I considered. Could he be worried about that? I mean if he wants to pack it in and work for VSO, you can do that sort of thing with a family but you would need to be on board, and plan it. If he wants to stop paid work and volunteer full time forever, that is always going to be a selfish choice and again, you'd have to be fully part of it as well.

Do your friends have children? It really helped when DH spoke to male friends and realised most of them were just having children without giving it much thought and ended up loving them anyway, and he spoke to a couple of friends who thought they didn't want children then ended up changing their minds and having fertility issues. He really did expect that he should have the same level of broodiness I do, which isn't typical in most men I know.

There was no road to Damascus moment. It was about 18 months from when I gave him a year when he proposed (he was nearly there, I didn't expressly extend the deadline it just passed without me saying anything) It was a slow and difficult process for him. He was clear that without children our relationship would end one way or another: I just couldn't give it up as a possibility and be happy and he knew me well enough to know that.

I think it's worth trying to help him explore what's at the root of this deep down, and how much of it is about children vs other issues. But, even though DH is my world, I honestly would have walked away. It would have destroyed me, and us, if I tried to stay, and I think if you know you want children you have to be prepared to end it as soon as you're sure he won't change his mind- or worse, that he'll never make it up.

His feelings and the reasons behind his feelings are legitimate, He doesn't want kids and his only struggle is, that you do. Despite having seven years, he's still playing for time.

It's going to be difficult for you both but there's no compromise here. It's time you accept the other's position and base your actions on who they are and not who you want them to be. You can't carry on kicking this particular can into the long grass forever.

This is something that a couple must agree on in order to be a couple.

There is no logical good reason for having children and thinking about it at all (let alone overthinking it) is futile. Either you feel the instinct to have them or you do not. Applying logic is not appropriate.

Whatever you do now you are on a hiding to nothing. If you deliver an ultimatum he will feel trapped (and that is not a good start to parenthood) and if you give in to his wishes you will forever be bitter towards him for taking this opportunity away from you.

I think he is probably not the man for you. Tough - but there it is.

The desire to have a purpose in life is likely to be linked with his religious upbringing I am afraid. You will not shake that out of him - he has been brainwashed from birth.

There is no discernible purpose to life just as there is no real logical reason for having children. We just have to go with the flow, be kind to one another and make the best of it all.

For some people their children are their purpose in life, or one of them.

The fact that he sees something that might stop him from what he wants to do rather than actively being something he wants to do rings massive alarm bells.

I agree with others, with that attitude, he may bugger off to find himself. It's all very self-asbsorbed and such people don't make very good parents anyway.

^ The fact that he sees children as something that might stop him from what he wants

That should say.

This is really frustrating for you. It's even worse in some ways than if he said he never wants any. At least you would know where you stand. Fast forward 10 years. Would you wish you'd stayed or left. If you say to him well you're not sure but I am I want to start trying for a baby. And if he says no then that's your answer.

7 years is enough time to make up your mind. He doesn't want kids.

Be very careful of ttc with someone who isn't sure they want a kid.

Some women will tell you stories about how their partner wasn't keen and then was very good when the kids arrived. But there are equal numbers of stories (if not more, who knows) of men who use the fact they never wanted kids against their partners and ultimately fuck off.

Hi Elizabeth has your partner thought about seeking therapy to help him deal with his childhood and move forward with his life. I think your relationship is not easy and I'm wondering if you need to give him lots of support and encouragement in his day to day life. It won't get easier with children. Good luck.

I vote bin him. For the record, I had a crappy abusive childhood with lots of twisted religious stuff. At 34, I was raising my two lovely children with my sweet dh. They were my purpose. Giving them the childhood that I deserved was very healing.

Your boyfriend is just self absorbed and negative. Even if you talk him into having a baby, you aren't going to turn him into a fun daddy that is a blast to raise a family with. You'll be baby sitting his depression while doing all the child care.

Pick some one who already has traits that will make building a life together a joy. Pick some one who is over their own shit enough that when things go wrong, they are a rock for you.