Partner isn't sure/is scared of having children.

[Elizabeth1986]

Hi everyone,

I am in desparate need of help, advice and ideally - someone who has already been in this situation to tell me this is all going to be okay.

I am 31 and my partner of 7 years is 34. We've lived together for 5 years and have a dog and a very happy life together. 3 years ago I got pregnant after being on the pill but a bit lax with taking it. I had an abortion at 8 weeks and do not regret it, it was the right thing to do. At the time, we discussed that we both weren't ready to be parents but that we did want children in the future.

In January, my partner confessed to me that he isn't sure if he wants children but more than that, that he doesn't know what his 'purpose in life is.' He is a very intense person, and (I feel), overthinks every decision until he is 110% sure he is happy with it. This isn't just in our relationship, but in life/work too even down to tiny decisions. He had a tough childhood. His family were very poor and very religious, and he is not. He suffered with depression as a teenager to the extent he was off school for a year. He then picked himself off, put himself through university and has a fantastic job now.

We love each other and, if children weren't an issue, we would get married. He won't propose to me until he is sure that he wants children. After telling me his feelings in January, I gave him a year to decide.

He is still not sure and is feeling extremely pressured to make a decision about it. He says he looks back at his childhood and the first word that comes to his head is 'struggle'. He was bullied as a result of their religion and the fact they were very poor. He is terrified of having children for this reason. As well as this, he doesn't know if children will stop him doing what he wants to do if he ever finds out what 'his purpose in life is'. He has a fantastic job and he enjoys working hard but he doesn't feel like it is fulfilling his purpose (whatever that means)

As for me, I had a wonderful, magical, childhood and I see my parents and siblings as friends. I am very much more of an optimistic person and feel that, whatever happens in life, you deal with it when it comes. I cannot be childless, I can't see myself being happy without having a family. But I love my partner so much and can't imagine being without him. I've tried to explain to him how I want to make him happy, and give him the family life he didn't have as a child but he is still uncertain. More than anything in the world, he wants to want the same things as me. He is going through weekly counselling which is helping, but she feels it is something that can't be rushed.

Please, someone, help me see a way through this. I can't bring myself to talk to my best friends who are all pregnant/engaged and happy, their happiness makes me feel so much worse... which is why I'm turning to you all in the hope that you can help me see me a way through this. Do I give him more time? Has anyone been through a similar thing? Has anyones husband/partner been terrified of being a father and then loved it?

Thank you for reading my outpourings... x

He sounds like hard work.

He's going to make you promise that any DC don't infer with him 'finding his purpose' - and so all the shit work will fall to you, or if he decides he wants to go off overseas, or give up work to return to study, or anything else that interupts normal family life, you will be expected to suck it up.

If the children are ill, or don't sleep, it'll be down to you to sort as he wasnt sure he wants them.

At 31, if you want children, you don't have time to fuck about if this isn't the man to have them with. At 34 if he's not found his purpose in life yet, he's probably not going to in a nice, easy to fit in with family life way.

I think the PP who suggest you end the relationship are sadly right, walk away, start a new life single.

Hi Elizabeth,

I've been searching the whole internet looking for some answers for my own and found your post, which really moved me because i'm currently in the same situation.

I would really want to know how are you? How did things turn out to be after another 1 year?

I am in my relationship for 8 years, we are both turning 30 this year, we get on really well, laugh together, he cooks for me often, we have activities in common, we have a small business for almost 6 years which we run together as there are things that he knows how to do and I have mine. The last 2 years we started earning more and feel some kind of financial stability although we live in a rented apartment. We were by each others side at good and bad, the seaxual life is great .. but when it comes to having our own family (which I see as the best thing that can happen to us) he stands back.

Just like you, i've been ready for a while now and i'm really optimistic about growing children. Everytime i try to talk about this subject he shuts me down. The reasons are that he is not ready, he is not mature enough but someday in the future he wants.. I had an abortion 4 years ago which i do regret and that makes things worse. I've been trying for 2 years now to talk to him about it, i gave him time limits and everything... but nothing seems to make him makeup his mind. Of course there are friends, family that are asking the so-known questions.. and most of them are already trying for second baby.

I read all posts.. and with deep sadness I know all those answers are true.. but there is that stupid hope....

Wishing you the best & hope your life turned out to be greater than expected :D

I can understand why he is hesitant because I certainly am when it comes to children. I'm an over-thinker and go over "worse case scenarios in my head constantly. But instead of being non-committal, I realised I do still want children regardless of my insecurities. Having children is an adventure and you won't know what is around the corner but that's what is exciting about it. You can make of it what you put into it I think. At his age, if he still isn't sure if he even WANTS them this isn't a good sign. Maybe give him an ultimatum and let him decide. If you want different things this relationship isn't going to work.

He sounds like he's still depressed and struggling. You say you want to make him happy - but from everything you have said, having a baby would not make him happy, and would likely make him very unhappy. He wants to want the same thing as you, but he doesn't. He's telling you that he doesn't know what he wants, but he does know - it is just not what you want.

Oh, just realised that this is a

ZOMBIE THREAD.

IT'S A FUCKING ZOMBIE.

@CoyoteCafe

I vote bin him. For the record, I had a crappy abusive childhood with lots of twisted religious stuff. At 34, I was raising my two lovely children with my sweet dh. They were my purpose. Giving them the childhood that I deserved was very healing.

Your boyfriend is just self absorbed and negative. Even if you talk him into having a baby, you aren't going to turn him into a fun daddy that is a blast to raise a family with. You'll be baby sitting his depression while doing all the child care.

Pick some one who already has traits that will make building a life together a joy. Pick some one who is over their own shit enough that when things go wrong, they are a rock for you.

This. And I find his insistence that he won’t marry you unless he decides whether he wants children deeply odd and controlling. And yes, I suspect that with this level of gloomy navel-gazing, you would end up trying to cosset him and keep him away from the legwork of parenting.

If you are certain you want a child by the end of his decision period, move on.

@GCAcademic

IT'S A FUCKING ZOMBIE.

Ah, crap.

Wish we knew the outcome!

Hi this kinds like my life, what happened in the end of you don’t mind me asking!

Hello to those that originally posted on my thread here. I am very sorry for not getting back to your kind messages at the time. It seems a lifetime ago now but I was incredibly sad about the situation to the point where I don't even recognise who I was for that period of my life. It was terrible. I ended up going to counselling with him for a while, desperate to 'fix' us enough that he would see what I could see for us.

I posted this originally in Sep 2017, we carried on until May 2018 when I left him. We got back together (albeit living apart) quickly and then stayed kind of together for another 3 months until we ended it in Aug 2018.

Then.....my new life started. I went on dates, remembered who I was, came out of a fog. I met a guy in Oct who was never going to be the man for me but we dated, went on trips and dates and had fun. We even spontaneously went to Thailand in Jan 2019. It didn't last and we split in Feb. But then I met the now father of my TWINS in April 2019. We had the best time travelling, laughing...etc... and he makes me feel good about myself always. He was everything that my original partner wasn't and is THE BEST dad to our children I could imagine.

For those couple of people who have come across this post of mine from 2017, my advice to you would be to try and step out of the fog a little and consider that the person who says that they don't want children really might not be the one for you. I am so grateful I didn't have children with my ex. His obsessions and constant naval gazing would have been so hard to deal with and parenting is hard. I'd have constantly been trying to please him and do everything to make him happy to 'make up' for the fact he never wanted kids in the first place.

Life moves fast sometimes and I 100% believe that it would be better to have children on your own, than with someone who never wanted them properly in the first place. My life started again when I left him - my business became successful because I could concentrate on it, I stopped drinking so much, I saw my friends and family more and was happy for those around me who had families and I had the most amazing time meeting and falling in love with someone new.

PS: surprise twins - bloody hard work but AMAZING!

@Lockeddown88 I have just posted the outcome! X

What a lovely update! So pleased for you, OP!

@Elizabeth1986 your thread gives me hope as I have posted today because I too have left my ex due to him not wanting more kids. ( I have none) Out of interest, did your ex go on to have kids with anyone else? Happy to hear you had your babies in the end, I’m at the point where I can’t imagine being with someone else and miss my ex, so reading your update gives me hope that I too will get through the fog x