Being left out of the new family group chat

[SnapYap]

MIL's side of the family have a group chat on facebook to which everyone is added, mil and her 5 siblings, their spouses, kids, etc. I am in this group. However a new group has been made recently, DH told me it was for just a few of them to chat about keeping an eye on mil's elderly mother. However it has become apparent that this is the new group chat for the majority, I asked DH to look at the list of participants in each group and when I've looked only 4 people weren't added to it, I was one of them. Two of the siblings are left out as nobody else likes them according to DH, a girlfriend of one of DH's cousins, and me. (We've been married 3 years, have a DS together). Seems strange to miss out 2 of the elderly mother's own children if it's about checking on her.

Me and ds were watching a video on DH phone a few days ago and a notification came up to say someone had asked a question in the old group, and somebody made a point of replying in the new group! To be honest I'm a bit hurt to be left out like that and find it even worse when DH phone is pinging all the time with notifications. I am the one to remind DH constantly to call his grandmother, to visit etc. So I feel quite put out. DH won't add me to the group either, ive asked several times and he says yes but doesn't do it. Can anyone help me please?

Group chats that get too big are just hell. Definitely leave the first one as talking to all that many people is a pain . I wouldnt dream of being in a group with my inlaws and we get on great. Your dh doesnt get to decide whether you leave or not. . Foster good relationships with your own family and friends. Go on with your own life. Be busy doing your own thing. And dont ask dh what they are talking about. Get strong in your own self.

june great advice there

In very brief, I caught mil bitching about me to my mum. My mum tried to defend me a bit, so mil told DH my mum had shouted at her and pointed in her face. I asked my mum, she denied it and rang mil to ask what was going on. Mil denied saying anything. DH went mad at me and my mum for mentioning it to mil. It went on for a couple of weeks on and off. Mil had lied and got caught out and caused this uproar and DH refused to confront her about it. I did have a thread on here at the time but I can't remember which username I posted it under.

I can’t believe your MIL complained to your mom about her own daughter. And of course you would wonder what’s up because that’s a serious accusation about your mother. It is best if you AND your mom to stop talking to her.

Good advice on here.
Stop arranging anything at all for them so:
No Christmas presents , cards, birthday gifts, anniversary gifts.
Do not invite them to anything.
Leave it all to your dh and if you are in you are in. If you are put you are put.
Treat them like the window cleaner, a mild irrelevant inconvenience and nO offence there to window cleaners.
Do not make them a drink, food or even bother to converse with the mil.
If she speaks to you smile rather patronisingly back at her and slowly nod.
If they do visit and you are in, sit on your arse and do absolutely nothing for them.
I would also tell your dh that as he won't add you to the second group chat, you are leaving the first one.
Tell him you don't want to hear about his family as they can't be bothered with you and stick to it.
Your dh should be on your side here, he sounds pathetic btw.

Oh and enjoy the extra time you will have now that you don't have to run around buying crap for his family and cooking for them if they visit.

I'd be glad to be honest. Less gossip, fewer jobs to do, less having to meet up with them. Let them get on with it. These groups come and go.

Exactly and cannot understand why she wants to join a group that have been unpleasant to her. Ignore the fuckers.

I'd probably be relieved that I don't have to deal with more family politics.

Thank you for your advice. Im going to leave the old group

I remember your old thread and the advice there was pretty much that you had a DH problem.

Good for you leaving the other group. As PP have said, it sounds hellish anyway.

So what if DH doesn't like it - assuming he won't get violent?

I think you need to distance yourself emotionally and physically from MIL. She won't like it and she will pull a few mega stunts but stick to your guns. You need to protect yourself.

Thank you all, I got on with her quite well to start with, when she didn't say a word to me on our wedding day I should've known it was all down hill

Snapyap, the previous poster was correct in that she may now escalate her behaviour. Its because she'll see she's losing control of you. I also think you have to be prepared for trouble between you and your husband .

Glad you're leaving the old group, if they don't want to talk to you why would you want to talk to them? Every time you ask DH to add you to the new group you are confirming MILs power over you - let it go. You don't need her approval. If DH loses his shit, lose yours right back it's a Facebook group ffs not UN talks with North Korea! I'd definitely stop making any kind of effort on his behalf too. It is not your responsibility to remind DH to call his family members. It is not your responsibility to buy/send cards/gifts to his family on birthdays/Christmas. He is an adult and can do that shit himself.

Your DH can't have it both ways. It can't be 'something and nothing' that you haven't been added to the second group but he would 'go mad' if you left the first group. It's either important or it isn't. I agree with other posters, disengage and let them get on with it.

I'm afraid leaving the old group will leave me in further bad favour with the in laws. 'Oh look at snap leaving the group she's so rude' or thereabouts

Stop giving a shit about leaving the group-you are already in bad favour with the inlaws. they don't care about you. Removing yourself from the group takes a bit of power away from them as they can no longer "wind you up".You are choosing not to get involved in their drama.
Concentrate on yourself, your friends and family. Stop giving your DH's family any head space, their his family, his problem to sort out birthdays etc.
When you no longer care and no longer engage with them you will feel so much better.

Just stay quiet. Maybe they won’t know or care. Unless you rather stay in the group

Glad you have decided to leave old group

When mil comes over just sit there on your phone MNetting or watching you tube clips of kittens or take up knitting or sewing so you have something else to do so you don't have to engage with her,

If you do take up knitting or sewing you can sit in silence without it being awkward cos you are concentrating on what you are doing, but not being openly rude or distrespectful iyswim

Let DH do the hosting and deffo don't remind him to ring them or buy cards or presents

See op, it's so hard because you still want to be part of the family. But your not and never will be.
Disengage and learn not to care. It's difficult but it can be done.
Take a massive step back.
Tell your DH to stop being a spineless twat and stick up for you. I would be reconsidering my marriage because of his behaviour.

It would be hurtful. They're entitled to do it, sure, but it seems petty.

Honestly just thank god you're not getting all those annoying notifications! I left my family group chat and you know what? I don't have to know when my brother in law farts haha!

I remember your other post. You definitely have a DH problem. I’d also remove myself from the group and back away from everything to do with them. DH can see them on his own if he wants to.

Why do you want to be in a group chat with people who dislike you? I couldn't think of anything worse!

Leave the old group or mute notifications then ignore forever.

DH can't add you to the new group unless he created it either. He should be supporting you though.

I agree with others that you need to leave the old group chat. Don't bother announcing and flounce out, just quietly click "leave group". IF they do say anything, then tell them there's no need for anyone to be in the old group that's is not being used (obviously as the question was posted and never answered) and leave it at that. They'll know you are aware of the new group but will have to choose to
a) admit they're being fuckers and leaving you out,
b) add you,
or best yet, option c) say fuck all and leave you the hell alone.

You do have a DH problem but there is absolutely no reason in this world that you need to not be NC with the nasty in laws. Let DH do the "wife work" of remembering to call granny, buying birthday, Christmas and anniversary cards. Let him remember family events. He can cater for his parent's visit. You can sit there and ignore the bitch.

I would recommend reading the group via DH's phone though. If they are bitching about you then I would want to know if my DH was defending me or was saying nothing and allowing them to disrespect his wife. If it was the latter then I'm afraid I would have to reevaluate my relationship.

I'd be tempted to comment on the old group before leaving that you're leaving because there's no point in two groups when everyone (else) is talking on the newer one.