Being left out of the new family group chat

[SnapYap]

MIL's side of the family have a group chat on facebook to which everyone is added, mil and her 5 siblings, their spouses, kids, etc. I am in this group. However a new group has been made recently, DH told me it was for just a few of them to chat about keeping an eye on mil's elderly mother. However it has become apparent that this is the new group chat for the majority, I asked DH to look at the list of participants in each group and when I've looked only 4 people weren't added to it, I was one of them. Two of the siblings are left out as nobody else likes them according to DH, a girlfriend of one of DH's cousins, and me. (We've been married 3 years, have a DS together). Seems strange to miss out 2 of the elderly mother's own children if it's about checking on her.

Me and ds were watching a video on DH phone a few days ago and a notification came up to say someone had asked a question in the old group, and somebody made a point of replying in the new group! To be honest I'm a bit hurt to be left out like that and find it even worse when DH phone is pinging all the time with notifications. I am the one to remind DH constantly to call his grandmother, to visit etc. So I feel quite put out. DH won't add me to the group either, ive asked several times and he says yes but doesn't do it. Can anyone help me please?

DH thinks it's something and nothing and to get over it but since the fall out after ds' birthday it's clear they don't like me. Mil really doesn't like me. She and fil come to see us in our home and I'll try and speak to her and she gives a patronising half smile and then doesn't respond to me, leaving a very awkward silence that fil and DH must also notice! Fil likes me though.

They're sending a pretty clear message. Time to leave DH to it. No remondibg him, no organising presents for Xmas, birthdays etc. Only go to family events if you feel like it.

If they don't like you then unfortunately they're never going to like you - because they're not being rational or fair - so I'd just leave the lot of them to it. Stop trying to help your dh with stuff as a way to show his family how decent you are, because people like that aren't going to be interested. Just try and set yourself free from it.

As an aside, your dh is treating you badly if he's letting his family behave badly towards you.

Do you want to be involved? Sounds like wife work. Leave Dh to it

I'd be glad to be out of that crap.

No drama, back biting and more head space for you to concentrate on those who do care about you.

I can't think of anything worse than being on a group chat with my inlaws, count your blessings

I wouldn't have my MIL in my house if she behaved like that towards me
And if my DH didn't back me up then I'd be considering leaving him.

There have been lots of problems in our marriage recently, the situation with mil being a main player. He wouldn't dare tell her of the massive upset she caused to me and my mum and him, so as not to rock the boat.

I agree being in the group is a pain in the bum, it's the way they've gone about creating a new one and leaving out just a few 'out of favour' people from it. It's rude and they obviously know that I'd see DH on the group.

How old is DS? I would go NC and tell your DH that as she clearly has a problem with you, that your home is your San Harry and he needs to meet her somewhere else.

FIL however is welcome anytime

• San Harry = sanctuary

Blooming spellcheck!

What pp have said about not reminding him about his grandma anymore. And given what you've said about how his mother behaves towards you, I wouldn't try and speak to her when she visits or be around for them. I'd either just get on with your own thing and ignore them, or go out (if that's convenient, you shouldn't feel driven out). He wants his family to be separate: fine, then he doesn't get any civility towards them or help in dealing with them.

I would see this as a great chance to disengage - he can be responsible for his own family's birthdays, arranging visits etc and of course you don't have to be involved in the providing care side of things do you - if they're saying that's what the group is about and they chose not to add you to it - I think it's a win for you!

Family group chat?
What fresh hell is that?

What in the world? It is better if they had one and one chat and stick with family gathering

I'd be relieved to be out of the group tbh. OP you are better off taking the high road and disengaging. If DH can't yet see that his mother's behaviour is toxic then you throwing a strop and going down to her level isn't going to help. It's shit but you're better off taking the high road here.

And stop reminding DH to contact his own relatives. If they give you any flak simply look confused and say "oh I don't know, have you asked DH why he didn't call" or similar.

They can't have it both ways, they can't expect you to nag DH to contact them but then also refuse to be in contact with you!

Family group chat?
What fresh hell is that?

You said it. Hell.

I’d start a new group with the other 3 that have been left out just for the hell of it.

I'd love to passive aggressively leave the other group but DH would flip his shit.

Enjoy it! I would give my right arm to be able to leave my family group chat without being automatically added back in. If you aren't in it you don't have to take any responsibility for their decisions

LET him lose it!

He’s not standing up for you, let him see how you won’t allow these people to treat you like this.

Your DH is absolutely the problem here. Your MIL doesn't have to like you but she doesn't get to be rude to you in your own house. If she can't be polite, she doesn't come in. Equally, you do not have to socialise with people who treat you like shit. That means Christmas with your DS at home, or friends or your family. If your DH wants to spend Christmas with his son, he needs to step and parent him properly. Allowing your parent to be denigrated by your family in front of your child is bad parenting. And stop buying his family presents or reminding your DH to call them.

Equally, you do need to make this clear to your DH. He doesn't get to pass this off as 'something or nothing'. Leave the other group and let him lose his shit. He needs to know that you're upset and hurt.

Op, you have a problem with your husband and I think its time to start looking at all areas of your life with him.

He wont add you to the new group?
He let your down after a barney with his mother?
He would be cross if you left the original group?

I suspect you're an emotionally abused wife.

Oh and this would be common with a man who may think his wife should be grateful to have him because he could have done much better.

I think you should have some fun with it.

What was the question that someone answered on the private chat? Ask them again on the open chat saying innocently “I don’t think anyone got back on this did they?” . Ask them questions you know they’ve already covered on the other one.

Send endless cheesy gifs to the chat about the importance of family. Be overly nice to your MIL.

Definitely leave the other chat too, they have passive aggressively left you out of this one, you can passive aggressively leave the other one.

What was the argument about? What did MIL say to you at the party?