My DP is depressed because he's loosing his hair. What can I do?

[winkletwinkletoes]

Hi,

My DP is 28. He has been thinning for years and he knows this. He eventually needs to shave it off this year or next year at the maximum.

I am really supportive about this. I actually think he wouldn't look that bad as he has nice features ect.
I always say I think it will look fine and I actually have quite a few celebrity crushes on the bald or shaven headed man

But he is in total depression and denial. He doesn't think he is depressed but he is taking less and less interest in what he wears, what he eats and is constantly shovelling unhealthy food. He has gained weight because of this.

I have tried to promote his self esteem by trying to cook healthy meals when I was doing weight watchers, I ask him if he wants to go gym, I try and take him clothes shopping but he's just had a meltdown.

He says he isn't depressed, but won't buy any clothes because he doesn't like his shape, and has no motivation to go to the gym but then says he's fine with the way he is?

What else can I do as it's coming between us. I want him to want to make an effort but what else can I do?

He has said that I have to get used to the way he is because he isn't changing and it's only going to get worse.

You know 28’s young to be at the stage where you know you have to shave the rest off. Whilst male pattern baldness effects loads of men that seems quite young to be that far along. It’s perfectly normal to be gutted about that and let it get you down. However, it is not normal or reasonable to let it start to impact your relationships or creep into other aspects of your life. He can seek counselling, have a hair transplant, have the hair follicles tattooed on so it looks like he’s just shaved his whole head, wear a hairpiece (I know but v effective these days) or just shave it. It’s not the baldness that’s killing it between you, it’s the wallowing and inertia. There must be an overwhelming urge to shake him and say, “well do something about it it then!!!” every time he starts.

Just get Him to shave it now! Then he won't notice it so much as it thins

You're approaching it all wrong.
Look at the words you've written.

he wouldn't look that bad
he'd look fine
all that matters is my opinion

It's affecting him and he needs to know he will still be attractive and desirable.
Your words are t enough, you need to show him.

He needs a close cut now.

Can you imagine the responses if this was reversed

'I have a horrible tummy after childbirth, my partner keeps trying to reassure me but I know it looks horrible and I have lost confidence and don't feel attractive any more, it's really getting me down but I can't get him to understand how awful this change in my appearance that I have no control over is making me feel'

People would certainly not be piling in to call the woman a woman child and to get over herself. And that's for something that can't be seen just out and about.

I have a very good friend who went bald at 20. It was awful for him, he tried every lotion and potion but eventually restyled himself to be a hat wearer which helped.

Yes I do just want to shake him. Love how he assumes he will be ugly when he hasn't even done it or ever done it so he would t know.

User21- you say show him. What can I do... shower him with kisses, go and have sex with him every night? that's not realistic because even if I did.... it doesn't mater if he still sits there and is going on about it. It's his self esteem.

Like women, if we gain a lot of weight we feel abit crap. People around us tell us we look fine, beautiful ect but still that doesn't mater because we inside still don't. Relieve it. And that's the same with him

He can go and see a trichologist about it.

28 is young to loose your hair. Him being upset about it isn't abnormal.

Him adding weight will not help though and his depressive attitude is what would annoy me and possibly lead to ending things.

A combination of fat and badly isn't great.

If he won't seek help for his depression and denies he even is depressed then there's not much you can do except decide if you want to wait to see if he improves or not.

Denying it affects his attractiveness probably isn't going to help as despite the "{rich famous bald celebrity} is attractive" anecdotes, it's well known and documented that the average man is perceived as less attractive after losing his hair than before.

And I agree with the posts noting about the usual suspects putting the boot into him, then again the double standards are nothing new.

Until OP's post of 20:20, I don't think she had mentioned encouraging him to visit the GP (maybe I am wrong though?) And yes, I know this is her DP's responsibility, and maybe it is obvious to you that based on her original post, OP would have tried to persuade him to go already, but I don't think it was a stupid suggestion. After all, many people won't consider visiting the GP for low mood until the rapid spiral into depression has begun, at which point recovery is a far more lengthy process.

So, AF, much as I usually love your posts, I think that was a bit unfair. As was the assumption that posters are suggesting the OP, as a woman, must bolster her DP's 'fragile ego'. Isn't this just what you try to do for a partner when their mood is low? My DH tried his hardest to bolster my fragile ego because he wanted me to get better. Without his efforts - and it was the hardest time of his life to date and I regret hugely what I put him through - I am not sure whether I would still be here. He did indeed admit in our darkest hours, in a moment of desperation, that many men would have upped and left at this point. He wasn't wrong.

In the end (all this happened long ago), we are happy, life is great and DH is a brilliant man. I have done (and continue to do) a lot of work to ensure I don't put us through this again.

On that note, OP - if you genuinely cannot get him to see the GP (or seek alternative help/ways of coping) then I guess you will need to give him the same ultimatum that he gave you.

I do wish you all the very best and am sorry you are having to go through this It is truly horrible having to live with somebody with depression/body dysmorphic disorder (I should know!) - totally joy-sapping. But I also remember the utter misery of feeling like this, so I also have sympathy for your DH.

I wonder if there are any charities that he's particularly keen on and that he could be persuaded to shave his head for?

How do you think he would react if you gave him the same ultimatum he gave you?