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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advice

36 replies

Munchkina · 23/09/2017 09:07

I have recently had some trust issues with my bf just from him lieing about stupid things and I found out whilst we had a few weeks apart last year (break) he took his ex shopping. He explained his head was messed up at the time and reassured me it was a mistake. Since then I have been told stupid lies and found one way conversations on a dating site (nobody replied ) and he told me someone hacked him and is adamant it wasn't him. I have recently had depression because of these insecurities amongst other things (his son's mom giving me grief because my bf has a new job and cant have his son on weekends ).
To top all this off my bf agreed to a stag do in Marbella with a group of lads he barely knows (most are married with kids) he has been gone for 3 days and in that time I've stated university as a mature student ! He has text saying he was going to ring several times but never has and now I am starting to question our relationship again. If he loved me and cared about me knowing I'm suffering depression and started uni (which is a big deal ) he could of had the decency to just ring for 5 mins and ask how it went and how I am ! He just seems to care about himself and nobody else:( we are saving for a mortgage too which Is starting to worry me ! I just don't know what to do !

OP posts:
usersos · 23/09/2017 09:11

Relationships shouldn't be this much of a head fuck. DONT GET A MORTGAGE WITH HIM! x

Original poster
Munchkina · 23/09/2017 09:16

I am starting to think it's not worth it ! I know stag dos are spent drinking but I just don't think it's an excuse to not give me 5 minutes of his time especially with how I've felt and the nerves of first day at uni x

OP posts:
usersos · 23/09/2017 09:22

I think you know deep down that you deserve more....you don't need to justify this. Find someone who cares about you whether they're on holiday or in the next room! X

Ellisandra · 23/09/2017 09:24

It's not fair of his ex to have a go at you.
But it sounds like he's changed his job without any thought to his role as a father and just expects his ex to suck it up Hmm
Is that the kind of arsehole you want to be with? Shock

That's before you add in:

  • you've split up already so it ain't all that
  • his first response in a split is to run after an ex, not try to fix it with you
  • he tries to make contact on dating sites (hacked my arse - come on love, you're not stupid)
  • he doesn't care about you enough to call you

You're staring a new course. Make it an exciting new start completely! Ditch this loser. Who is trying to cheat on you, doesn't care about you, and is a crap father - you know, in case you think he isn't a loser.

This should be an exciting time for you, stop letting him drag you down.

Josuk · 23/09/2017 09:36

OP - I think your depression and insecurities is something that you need to focus on and address first.
And not wait for him to fix you and make it better. As you seem to be doing.

As to the points in your post.

You were on a BREAK - so not together. He could have done anything he wanted. And so could you.
Letting a shopping trip with an ex, all while your were not together, bother you - its just unhealthy.

As to his stag do. In normal secure mature relationships - being apart for 3 days shouldn't cause this much drama and questioning.
Sure - he could have called, would have been nice.
But also - being busy and out with friends, and hang over... all that can happen.
And as I said - in a more stable relationship - that can lead to a bit of a quarrel, but not a questioning of the whole thing.

His new job/kid situation. Not your problem, but it is telling about the kind of person he is.

Not sure the two of you are in a right place mentally for this to be something that works long term.

Original poster
Munchkina · 23/09/2017 09:36

Thanks all I was just worried I sounded like a paranoid controlling gf because he is on a stag do ! Just can't keep justifying his actions in my head anymore ! This has done it for me ! As I said I know he is on a stag but it was only Monday I was prescribed anti depressants and I started my course Thursday I just can't see how somebody who is suppose to Love me and care for me hasn't bothered ringing to give me 5 minutes of his time. All ive had is a text to say ive not spoken to any girls just having a laugh with the lads I love you to bits

OP posts:
Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 23/09/2017 09:39

Tell me you didn't fall for the account hacking story???
You have good prospects ahead op. . Don't let a loser drag you down. .

Original poster
Munchkina · 23/09/2017 09:41

We was on a break last year but we both agreed it was just to sort his head out and we wouldn't entertain the idea of talking to other ppl etc !

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 23/09/2017 09:43

You weren't on a break - he dumped you. And you took him back. Sorting his head out Hmm

Why are you staying with a man who is on dating website contacting other women?

Original poster
Munchkina · 23/09/2017 09:43

I did fall for it but that's because I know it has actually happened to people and caused unnecessary divorce ! I do feel stupid but I think in my head because he was so adamant it wasn't him I believed him :( all the other stuff he admitted to and apologised for so it seemed odd !

OP posts:
Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 23/09/2017 09:52

He treats you like this simply because he can. .
Only you can break the cycle - why would he? Gets to do what the hell he wants, a quick apology and you fall back to 'normal' . Until the next time.
Why risk your education for him? Is he going to support you while you study and he isn't your priority? Second place won't be good enough for him op. Have you checked his fb for holiday pics?

Original poster
Munchkina · 23/09/2017 10:00

I didn't want to lose him we have been together 3 years and I love him to bits which is why I keep holding on hoping things will change :(
I don't know how to break the cycle ! I thought of trying a new approach and not doing everything for him (like I do ) to make him realise how much I've supported and cared for him over the years. It was only a few months ago he was off sick with a bad knee and i supported him financially, with credi cards , getting his car fixed you name it i was there ! I did it because thats what you do in relationships well at least I thought that's what you did ! I just think he takes me for granted and I'm a soft touch. As you said a quick apology and I go back to normal :( he doesnt have Facebook which is a massive plus right now !

OP posts:
Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 23/09/2017 10:02

All the things you do for him should be as part of a team, a partnership. .
What does he do for you in the positive sense?

Original poster
Munchkina · 23/09/2017 10:11

To be honest I'm not sure i can say he does anything ! Because he is certainly not there when I need him the most! Depression isn't easy to get through and the fact he is away and knows this and hasn't bothered to call just makes it even worse

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 23/09/2017 10:17

Tell me more about people you know that it happened to, leading to divorce.
Seriously?
Not pop ups... or spam mail.
You're telling me you know people who have had a dating site profile set up and messages sent from it totally as a hack?
Really?

Original poster
Munchkina · 23/09/2017 10:21

Yes a friend of mine had a friend who was married and a dating profile was set up using his pictures etc ! My bf had an account before we got together which he never deleted and thats what he is saying got hacked !

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 23/09/2017 10:28

And what was the economic advantage to the hacker to go to the trouble of this hacking and messaging in your boyfriend's behalf? Hmm

Loving the friend of a friend story. Bullshit love.

There have been so many posts on MN where people have said "my boyfriend's account was hacked...". Funny how I've never seen a single post here or anywhere else from a someone saying "weirdest thing my account was hacked".

Your friend of a friend's partner did the right thing divorcing.

You should take a leaf out of their less naïve book.

I'm sorry I know I'm being really harsh here - but wake up! This guy would happily cheat on you.

Original poster
Munchkina · 23/09/2017 10:29

I have spoken to a few people who have had profiles hacked or set up using their info and I've read about it happen ing a few times too ! I know I sound stupid for believing it but he admitted to everything else this was the only thing he was adamant had nothing to do with him since weve been together

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 23/09/2017 10:39

Does the fact that he other things to admit to not tell you you're better off without him?

I have never met anyone who has had a dating profile set up for them and messages sent. Honestly, I expect the people you know that have, have all either been the lying cheats or the partner clutching at straws to believe them. I doubt any of them have been single friends who have said "wtf? I didn't set this up".

HerOtherHalf · 23/09/2017 10:41

You don't have trust issues, he is untrustworthy, there's a massive difference.

HerOtherHalf · 23/09/2017 10:43

Also, don't fall for the sorting his head out line. That's just bollox rolled out to keep you on the back burner whilst he indulges his inner lad.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 23/09/2017 10:44

I would be guessing he isn't sorting the head out that you assume op. ...

Ellisandra · 23/09/2017 10:45

Just to be clear: dating sites are definitely open to hacking. It's a common enough scam to hack them and use the email address to phish for the user to reveal info.

But why is a hacking operation going to message women?

category12 · 23/09/2017 10:49

How do you know the friend of a friend wasn't lying about being hacked? It's a bullshit story to cover up, whoever is using it.

Original poster
Munchkina · 23/09/2017 11:20

Ok i understand i have been foolish for believing him but This happened a few months ago so how would I approach this now ? Or should I just leave it

OP posts: