Estranged daughter

[Serendip16]

My much loved daughter and her family are estranged from me. I am a widow, living alone. She is a very wealthy young woman and a lifestyle only few could dream of, over the years she distanced herself from me, making comments about my fading looks and dress sense, I answered back at first, I have always looked after myself and consider I dress well, but not top designer, when I visited she made herself absent or started to vacuum, I was only there half an hour, perhaps once a month, any invite to my home had been refused, house too small, but I had bought her up here, had her engagement party for about 40 people here. Whenever I said something she thought I was getting at her, so
Last Christmas I was ill, she said I had bought it on myself and has not made contact. I did not see her or her family and felt alone and like giving up. I waited to see if she would get in contact but she never has, she moved home and didn't tell me. I am asking you for advice, knowing she doesn't want me, have any of you just outgrown your mom? I love her and her family so much and each day hurts. If I got in touch you would just shout at me again. I made a new will and until I got to solicitors I was going to cut her out and leave my home and everything to grandchildren, but once there I couldn't, I love her, she is my daughter, doesn't need the money but I felt mean considering it. I cry everyday for her and lost confidence, other friends have their families. She once said to me, don't expect me to care for you when
you are old, I don't know why she SA id it, it was me caring for her and looking after her home and family whilst she was always away.
From a young persons point of view, can you imagine that baby who means the world to you, turning on you. What would you do? Am I just being selfish. I loved my mom, couldn't have hurt her, but know it's not the same now. She has a new life, should I just face facts that I don't fit in. If you thing I am out of order in my expectations, tell me, I want the truth.

Some here say certain posters are 'projecting'. Perhaps that's the case, however in my experience children do not go n/c with their parents unless there's a very good reason. I'm yet to meet anyone who has done so, or read a personal story on here from the 'child's' point that hasn't been anything but a sad story of highly toxic parenting that cannot continue. Most of the time, the parent in question is a combination of a narcissist and 'victim', who have utterly convinced themselves that they have done very little wrong over the years (and therefore excellent at convincing others). Often use guilt phrase like 'I wasn't perfect but I tried my best!' and 'you have no idea how hard it was for me'. Absolutely exhausting behaviour that can't be argued with, certainly not without being piled with guilt.

People don't understand why I went n/c with my parents. My mother especially, as there were no outward signs of her awful behaviour - no mental health issues, no drug and alcohol abuse, just a horribly self involved, bullying narcissistic. Thing is, she'd never accept that in a million years, even if my siblings and I listed out every horrible thing she said and did over the years. Trying to have a relationship with someone like that is like trying to fix a broken vase, and using water for glue.

Oh and I categorically do not believe that going n/c with a parent is abuse. People go n/c to protect themselves, not to be cruel to others. It's just another way for a narc parent to deflect any blame they hold in their children stepping away from them.

Gosh,
I have a difficult mother but I think the way some posters have projected here is shocking.
How would you like if a parent came on a stately homes thread and started saying 'its all your fault you are such a snowflake' or some other such generalisation.

OP - there are 2 scenarios here, either your daughter is just an awful person with absolutely no empathy (and I am amazed how often I come across this - its as much as difficult parents) or something or somethings have transpired to drive a wedge between you. Maybe they cant be solved but you need to be honest with yourself.

@MiraiDevant Great post.

Total projection by other posters on here. Pathetic.

The OP asked for the opinions from the perspective of daughters in this situation. Several posters have shared their own personal, painful situations and/or given their opinions as estranged daughters and for this they get labelled as 'pathetic'.

Indeed, Junping

OP asked for our perspectives.

And the reason people are suspecting the daughter isn't simply a bitch are doing so not because of being unable to see beyond their own experience, and because of the OP's own posts.

We cannot know the truth between the OP and her daughter.

But we do know that the OP is someone who:

• tells a woman sharing her story of an alcoholic mother that she is wrong, that is not alcoholism
• has a tendency to the woe is me manipulative over dramatic "oh well of course you're all so perfect" digs

OP every time you post I get a glimpse over why I'd go nc if j were your daughter.

I think maybe it would be true to say that all these relationships exist in a culture which by and large sets the values that children should respect(/honour/obey etc) their parents. That is what most of us are born into. That's what most of us grow up in. Add to that, we are born dependent on our parents for survival. Regardless of how they treat us.

So how the parent/child relationship develops is massively skewed to make poor treatment more possible in one direction, with one side being trained to accept whatever.

Which isn't to say that's what's happened here. But I think is relevant generally to estrangement situations. My penny's worth anyway.

I think it is very unfair to write off everyone as bitter. I certainly feel like I offered up more than just "you deserve this". Maybe it was all irrelevant. But I don't see how talking about abuse - based on what? - helps if OP wants the relationship to be different. It simply leaves her alone and a victim. Based on what evidence?

Maybe she just wanted sympathy.

Well I can definitely offer you my sympathy OP. It's terrible to lose your family. For my part, I try to understand and have compassion for how my parent feels, despite finding it difficult. And seeing my own flaws.

Hotpinkangel, 💐 Do sorry for your double bereavement, I am sure your parents felt lived by you, that us what matters, in time hopefull it will become easier.
To the few foul mouthed ranters, I thank my lucky stars my daughter is not like you, full of bitterness and using such bad language, which surely your own children must hear, you are very angry. At least my daughter has made a happy life and a successful one, no doubt I have done something to make her distance me, I have to live with that, if she was like some of you that would be different but I know she will be fine.
To the others who said it would be hard on here, I'm still glad I did it and thank you, I know at I did something right.

Not sure if I've sworn on this thread so I have no idea if that's aimed at me.
I may well have done because I do swear.
MN is something of a swear-friendly site.

Funnily enough, I'm able to type swear words on the internet without my child over hearing them.

It's kind of a super power that I have

You asked for the perspective of people on here. You are at liberty to then not find them helpful and ignore them. "If she was like some of you" etc - your insults are really pathetic. And push me further towards your daughter's decision.

Wow.

Well, your last post fairly conclusively demonstrated that your daughter's behaviour here is neither the problem nor a mystery.

OP I do understand your defensiveness in your subsequent posts. However, I also observe that most of the posters here, who have difficult relationships or, are even estranged from their mothers, know why whilst their mothers are in denial.

My own mother believes it is boarding school that brpke our bond. This in the face of me telling her the real reasons. She just sobs then forgets and reverts back to her narrative. It's easier to not see her much TBH.

I think you need to accept that she’s out of your life. One thing that will help you move on is changing your will as it will give you a clean break. Suggest not leaving anything her family at all, but maybe to another one of your family who has stuck by you. You need to show loyalty to the family you have and who loves you, not go chasing after someone who doesn’t want you.

To all those screaming 'projection' - I was extremely close to my mother all my life until her death a few years ago. I still cry sometimes because I miss her so much. I have nothing to project.

My conclusions are entirely based on the OP'S own posts. I think they completely demonstrate why her daughter has severed contact. I am amazed that some cannot see this including the OP herself.

No, I think I'm the foul mouthed ranter, because I called my mother a fuckwit. On account of how she is one.

But don't worry OP, I still see the blasted woman almost every week, because she's sliding into dementia, and someone has to keep an eye on her and dad. And because it reminds me that I have won the long long struggle to evict her miserable voice from my inner monologue, and I have parented my child in a way that enrages her by its visible physical audible affection. My sisters think I am a saint, but I think I just got here before them. And by Christ it's been a long hard self-loathing road. She really is such a fuckwit.

OP - your reaction to the kind posters who have shared their own deeply personal and painful stories is astounding. Do you really think it's appropriate to ask for help then ignore the advice you are given and rant about bad language ( even though we are all adults here ) ?

Do you have no compassion or empathy for what these women have been through ? Is that all you can say to their pain - "naughty naughty no sweary words " and to condemn them for being hurt and angry ?

It does make me ( and everyone else ) wonder how you react to your own daughter when she tells you of her distress . Do you ignore her feelings and lecture her instead ?

Do you understand that there is nothing wrong with being angry when you are hurt ? Feelings are neither right or wrong , they just are. You ask for understanding of your own pain yet give none to others.

And there is no moral equivalence between being unkind ( to those you have asked for help and who have freely given it ) and saying 'fuck'?

Your moral compass seems way off kilter.

I support the rights of daughters to look after their own mental health

That ^^ from TheAncientMarinader.

As a daughter, and a mother of a young adult daughter.

OP - the key point from these posts is that your daughter will have told you why she has stopped contact. But for whatever reason you haven't been able to actually hear what she has said and have dismissed her reasons as unimportant, trivial or just not true.
Going NC with a parent is really difficult and very painful, so she will not have done this lightly. Nobody goes NC because they don't like how their mother dresses.
If you want to restart your relationship you have to actively listen to her properly and treat what she says with respect.