Estranged daughter

[Serendip16]

My much loved daughter and her family are estranged from me. I am a widow, living alone. She is a very wealthy young woman and a lifestyle only few could dream of, over the years she distanced herself from me, making comments about my fading looks and dress sense, I answered back at first, I have always looked after myself and consider I dress well, but not top designer, when I visited she made herself absent or started to vacuum, I was only there half an hour, perhaps once a month, any invite to my home had been refused, house too small, but I had bought her up here, had her engagement party for about 40 people here. Whenever I said something she thought I was getting at her, so
Last Christmas I was ill, she said I had bought it on myself and has not made contact. I did not see her or her family and felt alone and like giving up. I waited to see if she would get in contact but she never has, she moved home and didn't tell me. I am asking you for advice, knowing she doesn't want me, have any of you just outgrown your mom? I love her and her family so much and each day hurts. If I got in touch you would just shout at me again. I made a new will and until I got to solicitors I was going to cut her out and leave my home and everything to grandchildren, but once there I couldn't, I love her, she is my daughter, doesn't need the money but I felt mean considering it. I cry everyday for her and lost confidence, other friends have their families. She once said to me, don't expect me to care for you when
you are old, I don't know why she SA id it, it was me caring for her and looking after her home and family whilst she was always away.
From a young persons point of view, can you imagine that baby who means the world to you, turning on you. What would you do? Am I just being selfish. I loved my mom, couldn't have hurt her, but know it's not the same now. She has a new life, should I just face facts that I don't fit in. If you thing I am out of order in my expectations, tell me, I want the truth.

Smoked glass, does that mean she gets in touch when she wants something, but doesn't remember you at other times? I am sorry she took sides against you, she should realise you have a right to choose whom you love, you cannot stay with anyone to make her happy. You couldn't tell her who to love. One day she might have more understanding

Hi Serendip
She doesn't contact me full stop
Hasn't been in touch for over six months
She gets all these things from her step father, I have no spare money
She has a little boy of 3 who I see very regularly by living in the same county as her little one's father - my son in law (they are separated)
Other than that I only know what's going on in her life through her brothers- I do not stalk her on social media, I do not ask questions I just keep it neutral.
I am just taking a back seat and trying to get on with my life
Such a terribly sad time but hoping things will get better in time

OP, have you thought about how your daughter must feel, being motherless but unable to (publicly at least) grieve? I am in the same position as your daughter, I am sad every day, I feel bereaved and I wish wish wish that my mother could be the person that she has been in my life; some times when I was little (but perhaps just in my nostalgic memory), when I did what she approved of, rather than the person now who doesn't support me, belittles all my life choices (because they're not like hers), is obsessed by what she believes is 'appropriate' (which includes how I and my family behave toward her, e.g. we should be spending all of our weekends visiting her, venerating and prioritising her. I am sorry that you are sad - it really is sad all round though. I'm also sad for your daughter because - however much this has been her choice - she has still lost her mum. And you have no empathy at all for her and how she must be feeling with (reading the clues in your post) a demanding job, children and this traumatic circumstance.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad but I wonder if you did spend some time genuinely and sincerely trying to imagine how she is feeling right now, you might start to feel and act in a way that could eventually be conducive to reconciliation? It's not all her to blame and you're not the only victim.

You will not get a fair hearing on here op, sadly. You will get a mass of protection, no matter what you do or say. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Give it a few years and abuse of parents by adult children will be recognised. Sadly we are not there yet.

I would suggest you contact Stand Alone but that is run by a woman who is estranged from her mother and simply can't help projecting into all mothers.

Have a look at Joshua Coleman. And stop posting here

Serendip - I endured a lot from my DC. I was run into the ground emotionally and psychologically. I took all this because I am an adult and I feel I have some kind of "duty of care" to a more vulnerable person than me.
Once things started being seen by others and some of these others being total strangers who felt the need to intervene on my behalf, I realised that the way I am treated is not nice or even acceptable. I even had a visit from SW on the subject after a report from another professional person because I make no attempt to defend myself or return the abuse.
I havewondered if it is a power struggle, that I am to be controlled by DC. Is it a form of jealousy. Is it that DC is under the control of another. Is it the company that is chosen over family. So many other people have left DC's life I felt I had to stay around. I dont know but what I do know is that I do not wish my life taken apart by a nasty person whoever that person is. If there is abuse in their house they only have to speak up and I will help.
It could be drink drugs or mental health. I dont know. I just cant cope with this. I am embarrassed that total strangers on many ocassions have spoken up for me. I should not be abused like this but I should have nipped it in the bud when it started.
Children abusing parents is already recognised in some organisations

I think a lot of parents find it hard to give up being the ones in control. I'm an adult yet am still treated as a child by my parents. I am my own person and not an extension of them. I have my own dreams.

Serendipity just a couple of thoughts - which may not be at all relevant. Just ideas really. How old are her children? Is it possible if she has this image of super capable - successful career/nice home/mother etc that she may not be finding it all as easy as it appears. Sometimes that's hard to admit. Sometimes when you struggle and have so much to juggle it's difficult to take on another person who you feel needs something from you. (Your loneliness, need for approval etc)

Its a tiny thing but you mentioned her disappearing to hoover. I immediately felt embarrassed because I used to disappear to do housework when a grandparent appeared because I was so glad that someone was there who could occupy the children and enjoy that, while I got a few things done. Could there be a different interpretation of many little actions?

When she couldn't come up with reasons as to what you had done wrong, just another perspective... I have been on the other side of that situation. It's easier to shut down that risk the vulnerability of honesty. Especially if you think talking about those reasons will be met with defensiveness - and possibly a bit argument. That can be hard to face.

I'm not sure that I can say anything in terms of what to do. I suppose if you get a chance of low contact, go with that. Try to accept it for what it is. Things change. Maybe in the future your daughter might find the headspace to try mend things with you.

Another bit of projection - so I'll just throw it in as another "possible", sometimes we have no idea really what else might be going on in someone's head or life. Not even those we love. She could be struggling with things you are unaware off and thus find it difficult to cope with normal ups and downs of a relationship. I guess sadly for you, all you can do is give her space.

It does feel like the compassion has been lost in the relationship - on both sides. And the capacity for self reflection. There needs to be more than simply "because I'm her mother" to get past so much hurt.

I wish you luck.

Custard lover, can you not reach out to your mom, even though she is clearly in the wrong expecting you to do the impossible. See her on your own, say what you have said here, set your boundaries, even if it's just a phone call once a month. Do you really think she us a selfish, self centred mother, intent on hurting you shoddiest and never has loved you, there are so many on here with a sense of entitlement with a victim mentality who think that only they are perfect mothers, skyways available, smiling, not a raised voice, balanced never doing or saying the wrong thing, life isn't the Walton, we make mistakes as we are not perfect. It is a rare thing to come across a mother, that doesn't love her child, your mother loves you, she just got it wrong and needs to alter her expectations of you. Don't regret one day, not trying. I was little when my mother died, every day I think of her, wish she was here. It may cone over as sentimental twaddle to the bitter ones on here, I don't know you, but know your pain.
My granddaughter is at boarding school, she has a different life and only knows me through what might have been said about me. I dared for her until she was three, I cared for her mom all her life, I still do, so don't judge me because I cannot just dismiss them with a stroke of the pen.
Spring daffy, I fear what you say is true. Abuse of the elderly is swept under the carpet, people are such a nuisance getting old and not dying quick enough to some. Thank goodness I'm not old, but like all on here I will one day. I do hope you have not been treated harshly, there are lots of good people out there as you have said.

Sorry for the typing errors, I should ready first before pressing the button.

Parent abuse my arse. You've no right to a place in someone's life just because you gave birth to them.

A poster says her mother is an alcoholic.
The OP says she wonders if that poster ever knew an alcoholic.

OP, every post you make just leaves me in no doubt why you "irritate" your daughter. You're irritating me just with words on a screen.

How dare you question a poster with experience of alcoholism that they don't know what alcoholism is?

You have some front.

If that's the dismissive nonsense you give your daughter, no wonder she doesn't want you in her life.

Laughing at your comments about bitter young women, too. You realise many of us are probably closer to your age that your daughter's? I'm 49. So stop being so - irritatingly - patronising.

Blows kiss to ellisandra- thanks thats what I see too.

Parent abuse is real BertBibby and getting into denial about it is less than helpful.

I'm sure it does, but this ain't it.

Yes parent abuse exists. But deciding to cease contact with a parent is not parent abuse.

Daughters don't stop speaking to their mothers on a whim. The fact that you can't think that you've done anything at all that could have contributed to the relationship breaking down is a massive red flag. It would be normal to analyse everything, remember times you could have handled things a little better, to doubt yourself. But you don't doubt yourself do you, you are sure that this is all your daughter's fault. Give your daughter credit, do you really think she's heartless and has no feelings and that is why she doesn't speak to you? That's the only explanation that lets you believe you didn't play your part in pushing her away. It really is so unlikely that that's the reality.

I have to agree with Ellisandra.

I can also see quite clearly from your posts here why your daughter avoids you, OP. I can also see that you genuinely do not understand why this is so - you are still hammering on about entitlement, victim mentality, no-one being perfect etc etc. You simply do not see it.

I don't know what the way forward for you might be. You have my sympathies.

Parental abuse is real.

Being a shit parent and thinking your kids should love you no matter how you behave is real.

They're not the same thing.

what I said to Mrs Knightly was true, an alcholic changes personality when they have a drink

No they don't, or rather not all do. The alcoholic in my life didn't, he just got drunk. He was the same person he always was, but with alcohol on board. Dismissing MrsKnightly was unfair, patronising and irritating - can't you see that?

You've no right to a place in someone's life just because you gave birth to them.

Yes.

I can't see the parental abuse here? The daughter is choosing to disengage from a difficult relationship. OP doesn't even sound like she likes her daughter - but I'm assuming that because of the hurt she describes she does and it has got lost in other emotions.

I can't see what there is to build a relationship with here unless OP can find a different way to think of her daughter, and can see her daughter's life in a way which doesn't have their mother/daughter relationship at its centre.

OP, you say that you loved your mother and could never have hurt her. But you also said that your mother died when you were little. I'm sorry that you suffered that. Even if your mother was still alive, you can't just super impose one relationship onto another. But you certainly can't in this circumstance comment on an adult mother-daughter relationship.

I've read again your post on page 2 telling a poster she was "lucky" with her alcoholic mother because that mother didn't conform to your opinion of alcoholic behaviour

You were rude and dismissive.

And all your wailing about oh well you're all perfect mothers then... it's very childish. And your daughter would find that attitude as wearing as I do.

I actually snorted when you accused others of a "victim mentality".

And as you'll no doubt start judging me... my mother first threw me out when I was 16. And has gone no contact with me twice more since then, after I instigated re-contact. I am currently very low contact. I'd rather be no contact, but hey - 2 phone calls a year doesn't emotionally cost me anything and it comforts her narrative that she was a great mum. She has severe mental health issues. I feel sympathy and pity rather than hatred. I do feel irritation! My 5 siblings are in agreement of my assessment of her, they manage more contact - but still do not have uncomplicated relationships. She would write just as you do. Everything with the drama up a notch. I had a wry laugh that you love your son in law "like a son". That reminded me of my mother - she wouldn't be able to just like someone.

You are either incredibly naïve or just rudely dismissive if you think that all daughters choosing to limit contact with their mothers do so just because they're ungrateful bitter judgemental bitches.

I'd love to have a mother.

I have an adult daughter myself. That's how I learnt what a real mother/daughter relationship looked like.

JumpingJellybeanz
Daughters do not cut off their mothers for not being perfect or for falling short in some way.

This is not true.

Serendip16

The problem that you have is that you believe what you are saying and she believes what she is saying. You are back to the saying that there are 3 truths, yours, theirs and the truth (paraphrased).

The stately homes thread is a prime example of parents who believe that they brought up their children up well, but the children have completely different memories.

I can only suggest that you try and get counselling to try and get over this. Even if it doesn't help you to see her PoV it may bring you some peace.

SmokedGlass that is really sad. six months is nothing in the grander scheme of things btw. Perhaps, because she is not biologically related to your xh, she has to make it clear now that she is still his daughter even though he is not her legal step father. Or something like that. You will always be her mother and perhaps that is why she felt consciously or unconsciously that she had to support him. When he gets over the split and is obviously over it then I hope she turns her attention back towards you