Relationship with DS at breaking point

[Nowhere2turn]

Cutting a long story short, I've discovered he is basically dealing drugs! I looked through his phone to confirm what I suspected.... yes it's wrong so please don't feel the need to slate me for this but I have many reasons to do what I did and the main reason is to try and help sort this out!!
He has had history with this before and promised he wouldn't do it again, which obviously is yet another lie!
I'm sick to death of been taken for a mug and been treated so disrespectfully by him.... he's 20!
I said last time this happened that I would never tolerate it again and that he would be out!
This is such a difficult decision but I honestly have no idea what else to do! I've tried so much to help him, but it's clear to see he doesn't want help!
I'm thinking now it is time for short sharp shock treatment, but I'm also worried this will push him further down the wrong road! But what else can I do??
What would you do?
I'm at a loss as to what to do for the best

I have a 20 year old. He takes drugs recreationally. If he was selling them and knew how I felt, I would be chucking him out.
Or calling the police. But probably chucking as I would worry about the effect a record could have on job prospects etc.

I even considered getting police involved but stupid as I am, I also worry about how this will affect him in later life..... although he obviously doesn't think this way as he wouldn't be doing it!!

Exactly isadore.... we wrote that at same time

If you let him stay in your home, you are basically condoning his behaviour. I would also be very concerned about being caught up legally in this should the authorities ever come after your son while he is living in your home. Kick him out. You can't help him, and if he turns his life around, it will only be because he chooses to.

Do you think he's a happy young man?
It sounds really hard for both of you.

Sometimes he's happy, sometimes he's not... but I don't know whether that's just an age thing

Is he working or in education? He may be more scared about growing up than he seems.

This is a really tough one! I have a 17 DS and feel quite conflicted! I would want to kick him out but tbh I think you would be pushing him down the wrong route. We would all like to think that a dose of tough love would work but I'm not 100% convinced. Could you take him along to your local addictions services or something similar? Somewhere where he can see the hard realities of addiction and what it does to lives? Maybe if he somehow saw the reality of what drugs can do to people (without you telling him) he would take a different life path?

He's working, he is young for his years, and he is my only one so he's had a lot of time spent with him, and admittedly, he has been spoilt ( I don't just mean materialistic things, I mean by the way that I am with him, I've been stupid and basically he's been the centre of my world since day one, and he knows that. That's not to say he's got away with things cos he really hasn't, but he knows I would do anything for him...as most parents would really)

Girlintheframe.... without giving too much away something fatal happened very close to us concerning drugs, and it hasn't made him see the light. He spoke to a drug support worker the last time this came about and had no affect on him whatsoever. But like you say, I'm completely torn too..... in all honesty it is breaking my heart that I'm thinking about kicking him out, and I'm not 100% sure on tough love.... but I'm at point where I'm at the last resort stage

I don't think blaming yourself is helpful, but nor is blaming him. Why do you think he is dealing drugs?

It sounds like the two of you have been very close and thinking about separation as he becomes an adult is very hard- probably for both of you. 20 doesn't mean mature. His brain is still adolescent. That doesn't mean anything goes.

It sounds like you have both experienced something traumatic. Try to see things from his position- why he is he doing what he is doing? (it might be angry, hopeless, self destructive etc)

Farfrom....yes I do blame myself deep down, I can't see where I've gone wrong....except be overprotective and smothering maybe.
He is a young 20 and has always been easily led, and eager to please and I can't help feeling this is why he does it.... cos people need him if you know what I mean. But I've always needed him, but I'm his mum, so obviously that's different.

I had this problem with my dd. She used and dealt as well. It completely broke our family. She didn't live with us, although she did return when she was in trouble. I couldn't turn my back on her completely and always made sure she was ok.

I did report her to the police on several occasions. Sometimes it was the only time I got to stop worrying about her when she was in custody.
It was a nightmare and it didn't matter how many times we argued about it she wouldn't listen to me.

Again, blame(including self) isn't helpful.

young, easily led and eager to please sounds vulnerable - try not to get caught in a narrative of having just to see him as destructive. Many youngsters who do bad things want on some level to be accepted. I don't know where in the country you live but are there any young people mental health services that go up to 25? Sometimes they see parents even if yp won't engage.

He needs firm boundaries but he also needs your love.

Parkheadparadise.... this is how I feel deep down, it will kill me to turn my back on him.
How did things turn out for you? Is it still ongoing?
He tells me he doesn't use anymore but I don't believe him. Although I have drug tested him in past and he has always passed them.... and I've done it random so it is his own sample! I've also ordered more to start again and he said he will happily do them so time will tell. I know I sound controlling and possibly over bearing but drugs I will not tolerate and he's had his chance, so this is why I'm now at this point

Farfrom.... I don't know about agencies but I've contacted Young minds in the past to get advice and I've also rang Frank, as I just didn't know what to do.
I do think part of it is to be accepted by "peers", but how do I change that?
Thank you for your advice by the way

Farfrom... I thought I had set firm boundaries last time this came up and that is why I feel totally disrespected, and I do show him I love him, and tell him..... which he does me too

It isnt your problem what happens to him, he has had one warning yet has gone ahead and done it again.
What happens after you hopefully dump him is really up to him not you.
Be brave.

You cant change or fix this for him. You cant make him stop. But by trying to understand why he is doing what he is doing, you will be helping him. And it sounds like you do think it comes out of a vulnerable place. I think you might have to step back from thinking you can do something- whether calling police or making him stop. And instead just try to think about where he might be coming from. I can hear you hate drug dealing (and rightly) but your son's idea of what he is doing and yours may be miles apart.

I'd be in contact with a drugs charity and get some advice.

If I were you I would draw a line in the sand, but which line? Anything that enables it I guess.

Is he at all able to talk honestly to you?

A family member was an alcoholic. He got into serious debt. We drew up a family plan, odd as that sounds. Agreed to assist with x,y,z and we paid back the money for him. In return, he got housing, food etc, our support, but had to see gp, services, get clean, change jobs, and pay us the money back. It worked! Any breech of contract, all support stopped.

Our ideas are definitely miles apart unfortunately

Autumnskiesarelovely..... he's not very honest at the minute and im struggling to believe anything he says, which he has obviously picked up on.

Just because you make him leave your home it doesn't mean you're turning your back on him

You can still make him welcome on visits, but he isn't going to live and deal under your roof/at your address.

He could bring a world of trouble to your door.

And at 20 he's old enough to look after himself.

NannyOgg... completely agree