Is it me or DH who is wrong

[namechanger47]

Hi long story I'll try and give the short version

DH and I have been together for 6 years. Married for 5. Met and married quickly due to religious reasons and family pressure (I wish I could give my 23yr old self a shake but I can't)

DH is 20 years older and has been married before.

I found out after I was married and whilst pregnant with twins that DH had racked up £20k on credit cards (not joint spending) and had stilll been seeing his ex for the first 6 months we were together. It was actually easy for him to do this because until we married we lived 400 miles apart.

I felt stuck. After DC born he was vile. He wouldn't lift a finger. I moved out when dc were 3 months old and moved home.

Many promises later I moved back on the understanding we would move back to my hometown which we did.

I work okish iob (35k) DC at preschool and my family (willingly) do a lot of the childcare . He has been in and out of jobs. At the very least he's been able to pay his cc repayments and other bills which to date I have refused to pay having already paid off £10k of his debt

He's been made redundant again, yesterday. His industry is volatile. I've said before about applying for other things and retaining which he refuses point blank to do. He won't take min wage jobs even just to keep money if.

Last night he said that he wants 6 months out of work to find out what he wants to do. He's told me I'll have to take over his cc payments and his private pension payments.

I don't want to. I've had enough of having the piss taken out of me.

He says I'm being a bitch in family's one parent is the SAH parent and another provides financially. He said I will benefit from his pension so I should pay this and just starts being a twat when I ask him why I should pay his cc payments which were all incurred whilst he and ex fucked off to Australia for a year.

AIBU unreasonable here. He's being vile to me because I won't agree. I just feel so fed up and I don't even know if it's me or him anymore.

It's him. He's being awful.

It doesn't sound like you like him very much. Justifiably.

He is a top class twat.
I would be suggesting he finds somewhere else to live. .

I know hump i really do. I'm not a bad person honestly, I've tried to make everything work. I've tried to appease him so much but now it's like I'm seeing him for what he is and that things won't change.

I remember him joking once to friends that he'd landed on his feet with me because I could take care of him for the rest of his life (financially). I just comes back to haunt me that this is all he sees me for.

Oh god, I wish you hadn't gone back to him! I'd get rid of him as quickly as I could - he's really dragging you down.

Gosh he sounds awful OP, it's absolutely, 100% him, hope you can get sorted

Tell him to fuck off.
He'll drag your down.
How old is he if he's 20 years older than you?
Time he grew up and looked after himself.
Honestly, life is just too short for this shit.
Send him on his way along with his CC debt.
He's a cock!

What do you actually get out of this relationship?

Find that self respect and do what you need to because he's certainly showing you none.

What does he bring to the party? He sounds like an utter twat and a total cock-lodger to boot. Get rid

He was 43 when we married @hellsbellsmelons now 49.

He says that I caused his work issue by making us all move because he did have a permanent job

Really I think you need to find your self esteem and leave. Apart from anything else you will be his carer when you are still young and active.

This relationship has absolutely nothing to offer you. And if you pay his cc debts and he buggers off, you'll never get that money back in a divorce

Your eyes are open now. This means you will never be able to fool yourself that you like him. You will grow to dislike him more and more and then hate and resent him. He's not going to change, this is who he is. Why waste more time and emotion on him? It is scary to go it alone. It now sounds the right time for you. Sounds like you have a great support system to help you. They're probably wondering why it's taking you so long to make this decision- it's not an easy one is why of course. But start thinking about how you would feel if he were not there? Which scenario do you prefer?

What on earth? No one deserves to be treated like this. Is this the relationship example you want to set for your DC? If your daughter were treated like this would you be happy?

LTB.

Him definitely. Does he actually do much for your children? If not I would just leave him.

Thanks for all your responses. I think I need to start making long term plans for me and dc.

He's confused me for so long and been so patronising about how I don't understand proper grown up relationships that I just thought it was me.

@NotTheCoolMum yes he is good with the dc now - do you think I'm being unfair on him?

Don't be bullied into it. You need every penny for leaving the bastard.

And you insisted on the move after he'd fucked you over by cheating. So perhaps he should look at that as the root of his troubles, eh?
Don't pay his cards. Tell him the marriage is not working anymore and he is welcome to go and find himself, but he can pay his own debts while he does it.

Go and see a lawyer and work out how to leave and extricate yourself and your DC from this awful situation with this horrible horrible man.

You deserve so much more and you'll have a far better life on your own. Don't let him doubt yourself any longer.

Get free.

But really, call around and find a good lawyer and find out how his current work situation and debts will affect a divorce and then do everything you can to kick him out.

As for the pension bit, you'll be 45 if he retires at 65. Who do you think will be paying all the household bills then? And whats the betting he decides to retire at 60 or 55 whilst you fund him.

Also how much will his pension actually provide??

I am sure when you met you felt he could offer you the world. However, he didnt see you coming, he sent you a fax.

He may well love you but I bet the loves the fact he can use you as a cash cow even more.

By 'Good with the DCs' what exactly do you mean?

If it is 'does some fun Daddy stuff with them' then he effectively has the role of a lovely uncle.

Good with the DCs means - makes sure there is adequate money coming in, role models good relationships, does boring stuff around the house and with the kids as well as the fun etc etc

He isn't remotely like this, is he? Be honest, what would he really be like as a SAHP?

The bit about him confusing you really rings alarm bells to me - sounds borderline abusive. You'll have to summon all your energy and resources to get out, but you will be able to do it, and I think it will be a huge relief.

@Hulder yes the fun uncle sounds the more accurate description of the two.

He's threatened me before with saying that as he's effectively the SAH parent (having only ever got to working pt whilst living here) the court will give him DC and I will have to leave and then pay him maintenance and pay the mortgage.

I just can't think of anything worse than this. I really can't this fucking terrifies me. It would be better to stay then have this happen

namechanger go and see a solicitor and arm yourself with real facts, not his bluster.

Has he ever had to do real childcare, both the DCs 24/7? Thought not.

I'll have the kids off you is classic abuser, to stop you from leaving. When in reality he would be shitting himself at the thought of having to do half the grunt work you do for the kids in just one afternoon.

He is bamboozling you.

So to summarise how I read this:

1. You don't love him;
2. You can't trust him;
3. You can't rely on him;
4. He puts you down, belittles you and gaslights you.
5. There is a serious power imbalance in the relationship and not in your favour.

Is that a fair summary? If so, what reason can you come up with that trumps those to justify staying with him?

@HerOtherHalf . What does gaslights mean ?