Is it me or DH who is wrong

[namechanger47]

Hi long story I'll try and give the short version

DH and I have been together for 6 years. Married for 5. Met and married quickly due to religious reasons and family pressure (I wish I could give my 23yr old self a shake but I can't)

DH is 20 years older and has been married before.

I found out after I was married and whilst pregnant with twins that DH had racked up £20k on credit cards (not joint spending) and had stilll been seeing his ex for the first 6 months we were together. It was actually easy for him to do this because until we married we lived 400 miles apart.

I felt stuck. After DC born he was vile. He wouldn't lift a finger. I moved out when dc were 3 months old and moved home.

Many promises later I moved back on the understanding we would move back to my hometown which we did.

I work okish iob (35k) DC at preschool and my family (willingly) do a lot of the childcare . He has been in and out of jobs. At the very least he's been able to pay his cc repayments and other bills which to date I have refused to pay having already paid off £10k of his debt

He's been made redundant again, yesterday. His industry is volatile. I've said before about applying for other things and retaining which he refuses point blank to do. He won't take min wage jobs even just to keep money if.

Last night he said that he wants 6 months out of work to find out what he wants to do. He's told me I'll have to take over his cc payments and his private pension payments.

I don't want to. I've had enough of having the piss taken out of me.

He says I'm being a bitch in family's one parent is the SAH parent and another provides financially. He said I will benefit from his pension so I should pay this and just starts being a twat when I ask him why I should pay his cc payments which were all incurred whilst he and ex fucked off to Australia for a year.

AIBU unreasonable here. He's being vile to me because I won't agree. I just feel so fed up and I don't even know if it's me or him anymore.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-signs-gaslighting-in-relationship

If your family willingly provide most childcare - NOT HIM - then him getting custody of the DC is certainly not guaranteed.

You need to divorce him - he's 20 years older than you, has cheated, runs up debt and wants to live off you. It will only get worse and he'll be more of a burden.

But, play the long game. Get advice now on the likely situation if you split. Think about shoring up your position with regard to the DC - evidence of your childcare arrangements all being sorted by you, CB in your name, maybe discuss with work compressed hours 5 days into 4 to spend time with DC.

Make a plan, in short.

I'd be worried by allowing him to be the SAHP at this point. So:

Support him getting back into a FT job. He needs to sign on for Jobseekers. His debts need to be cheap (0% card transfer?). His pension payments can be suspended temporarily. Agree what money the family can afford to go into his account to pay his cc payments- but he needs to be relying on Jobseekers etc in the main. Protect your joint account from him if possible. Get him to give you a plan (2 months) of how he's going to work out what to do - it shouldn't be open-ended. Did he get redundancy pay? If so he can use that to reduce debts?

Tell your parents what's going on.

Offer him the "opportunity" to work further away from home if something suitable comes up...

OP - it is most definitely NOT YOU. Its is HIM. He is a vile piece of shit. One positive is that you still have the best years of your life to come! Don't waste them on this arsehole.
I did it and I am finally free and 40 - I'm not bitter about it but I wish I could also have a word with my 22 year old self!! You and your dc deserve better. He won't get the kids - it sounds like it'd be too much like hard work anyway. Good luck - there are loads of people on here to support you - I wish I'd had mumsnet 20 years ago and I might not have wasted my 20s and 30s on an abuser.