just found out DH was sexually abused as child

[nothingpreparedmeforthis]

... and don't know what to do. We've been together 12 years and it has just come out. It's the first time he has told anyone. Don't know why it has come up now but he's in a bad way - so depressed, withdrawn, distant. He's not eating much or sleeping. This is totally unlike him. We are seeing a therapist together (this revelation came out because our marriage was on the rocks and we went for marriage guidance and then this came out).
There is nothing I wouldn't do for him, but everything I say or do seems so inadequate compared to the gravity of what has happened to him. And to think I never realised in all this time makes me feel so guilty. What a crap wife I must be.
Wondering if anyone else has experience of supporting a partner through this and advice. We're both totally lost and apart from the counsellor he is adamant NOBODY can know about it. I understand that but it makes it really hard to deal with.
Feels so unreal - like we're both in a joint nightmare that we can't wake up from.
Any advice or support is v much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

You are a wonderful wife but you are not a therapist. Your husband needs private therapy as soon as humanly possible to help him deal with all of his suppressed pain. Please implore him to find a counselor right away. Remind him how much you love him and that you know the best thing for him is to get the help he needs.

One more thing, if he has told you not to tell anyone about his abuse, DO NOT TELL ANYONE. Not your mother, not your very best friend, no one. If he found out that you betrayed him, he would never forgive you. I know this is a HUGE burden, but you are his wife and your loyalty must be to him regarding the abuse he suffered.

Op we are going through the same except dh isn't ready to speak to anyone yet - and I am reluctant to begin conversation for fear of suggestive discussion or pushing him when he isn't ready.
Sounds like you have made a brave start together and are being a great dw actually.
Good luck with everything.

I wouldn't push him to have individual therapy if he isn't ready. Do you feel like you need someone to talk to who isn't him?

Please don't feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong.

This hasn't happened to you, it has happened to him. There is no reason why you would guess this had happened, so stop worrying and start thinking what you can do to help him.
My first suggestion would be to carrry on as normal as much as you can, the last thing he needs is to think you feel differently.
Reassure him of your deep love for him. Book the best counsellor you can find for both of you.
Try to create and keep a calm and loving environment, you will all come through this.

I'm also going through something similar. My DH told me a long time ago but has only recently told me details. He is very angry about it but is seeking help. We will both get some sort of counselling at some point as well as I feel so awful that this happened to him. I'm trying so hard to be supportive.
It has taken so much for your DH to tell you about this, my husband still feels it was his fault and is full of self loathing sometimes. Good luck op I hope you and your DH can get through this

I just logged in as I saw this thread. I'm saddened to read that your DH is going through this. I am a survivor of abuse and also have supported other adult survivors as a volunteer. All of the feelings that people have described here are understandable reactions. shame, and self blame for example, when it was never ever the child's fault. It is

If your partner wants to talk to someone who underrstands then please be sure that the person they speak to, counsellor, therapist etc has expertise in supporting survivors. I

Please also respect your partners privacy and I know that this is shocking and frightening also for you, you may also need some help in getting through this.

There is an excellent organisation to help you, please start with these people. They have supported a lot of people... including those who have been through some of the more publicised historical abuse issues.

Here is the link: napac.org.uk/

Napac is a charity and although under a lot of pressure they will do their utmost to help support.
Sending safest of hugs if that is ok x

p.s sorry for the typo, delete "It is.."

Thanks for the responses. I wonder if any of the posters in the same situation would like to make a support thread together?
Fwiw i found these sites reall helpful - just wish dh would look at them but he's not keen. Www.survivorsuk.org and www.livingwell.au.
Hugs to everyone in same boat.

Morning OP was thinking about you. (((Hugs)))

Survivors UK has a very good reputation, speak to them yourself first and ask for advice if DH feels unable to do this.

I am not sure of the other site and can't get the link to work .....but I have blocks on my computer so it could well be that.

There is at least another site in the UK but tbh I found it dodgy..one person very iffy band running it. I will leave it there....careful though.

Stick with NAPAC and SurvivorsUK is my advice. They might be able to signpost you more locally.

Ring Survivors or NAPAC yourself and ask initial advice and how best for you to support him. Tiny steps on this one.

Your DH has locked this all away for so long now, he has taken a huge step finally in confiding in you. This horrible stuff takes a long time to get through and a lot of dealing with it is based on trust. Lots to be thinking about.... Is the abuser still alive for example? (don't need to answer just something to think of). These organisations will believe him, he will not be made to feel a liar, they will listen. they will not reveal his information to anyone.... or insist that he goes to the Police. Neither will they judge him or say "why didn't you tell anyone"? They have heard a lot of terrible things. Whatever it is ... it can be told to these people confidentially. Without pressure.

Ultimately, what to do is up to him though.

He might not feel up to looking at the sites at the moment as they may trigger all sorts of things off for him, so try not to insist he speaks to them. Nothing was his fault, he was a child, remember this. Whatever he may think.
You are doing great to support him, he must love you and trust you so much.
The first time I told anyone as an adult (not DH) I cried and cried. A mixture of shame, anger and relief and sadness for the child I was. It was a great release though after it being locked away so long. But we are all different so I can only speak for myself there.

Hope you are all as ok as possible on here and willing you all through this to better times. x

Sorry you're both going through this. I was sexually abused as a child and my DH knows but I've never been able to discuss any of it in great detail with him. The fear of him never looking at me in the same way ( although rationally I know this wouldn't happen) is just to great. I'm sure you're a wonderful wife and there's no way you could have known. (Gentle) encouragement to see a counsellor on his own would be advisable I think as there will be things that he will simply be unable to say in front of you.

I attended a women's support group a few years ago and found it really helpful. It brought up all sorts of things about the dynamics of all my relationships with close family and how I've basically been protecting them from the horrible thing that happened to me. It's such a monumental thing to go through. Sending hugs and love.

DH brought charges against and gave evidence in court against his childhood abuser two years ago.

I will second what a pp said in that what he needed from me was normality and the reassurance that nothing between us had changed.

Once he'd decided to speak to the police, he wanted to discuss things with me at home but categorically did not want me with him when giving his video evidence at the station or anywhere near the court when he had to testify.

It can be hard not to feel shut out when your partner doesn't want your 'handholding' but you have to realise it's about them and the support you want to give might not be what they actually need.

After the not guilty verdict, he was able to open up much more and said that he would not have been able to face up to everything if he hadn't had that rock solid normality to anchor him!

I'm sure you will anyway, but listen properly to what he wants and be led by him. It's a huge step to open up to you like this and he will have some negative fallout as well as a lightening of the burden.

notbingpreparedmeforthis a support thread would be a great thank you. I am very new to mumsnet and wouldn't know how to set this up.

You sound like a lovely, supportive partner.

If I can give me perspective, I told my DH about 6 months ago that I was abused in childhood. It is complicated by the fact that it was a family member and there has been all sorts of family upheaval since me talking about it.

What I needed from DH was absolute calm, peace and normality. I have an excellent therapist and the details of what happened are between my and my therapist.

I didn't want DH knowing the details, in part because it's hard enough being intimate with DH knowing what's in my head without also knowing that DH knew exactly what happened as well.

It is a hard road but it is possible to get better, with the right help. Abuse is serious and should never be minimised, but equally abuse survivors are all still human. We are the people we've always been.

Can i ask those who went through this, either as partner or survivor, does it ever get easier? He is really struggling to keep things together right now and that is so unlike him. It's scary for both of us seeing him lose control of his emotions like this. I keep telling him therapy will be tougb but eventually he will get to a better, calmer, happier place permanently. He doesn't believe this is possible. He thinks it will always be like this. Now i'm starting to doubt it too.
I don't know how to make an 'official' support thread but i'll see if i can ask mnhq.
Thanks for all who shared experiences. I'm glad to know 'stay normal' is the right thing to do because that is basically what we're doing and i feel bad, like i'm brushing it under the carpet - like his parents did. Thar's the last thing i want to do.

Oh dear dear xxxx please tell him that yes he will get thro this x this is the emergency stage, when it's all just coming out. It's horrendous. All he has to do is the minimum to get by but he does need to offload some way.

I've been at this for twenty years, just released a self help book advertised in the small biz section and have a blog.

There is a part of my book quoted there actually, advice for supporters of survivors x elhenderson.co.uk...
Not sure if I'm allowed to link but I can't bear seeing hurt survivors when I can help x
Actually my book is on free kindle promo for about eight hours (been free for five days) if I told would help your hushed or yourself.

The horror of early disclosure is grim but it doesn't last xxx tell him that xx it really doesn't last. What's out in the open, what horror show you now have to look at, becomes normalized over time and in the end it's like...yeah, and what????

FYI I don't necessarily think staying normal is the right thing to do. It is in the sense that you don't want to go running about screaming 'Oh my god!!!) or cringing when you look at your partner.

But at the same time, when we say something this big, it is ok to sit back and think, fuck that's huge, that is absolutely HUGE. Because it is and it deserves a lot of talking about x I've always liked my partners to change towards me a little bit, to be more gentle and caring and understanding, and to recognize when I'm feeling shit and to mention it x if they mention it, I can mention it, then I can cry, then we can find comfort, then I feel better and we got past it that day.....

No advice op, but good luck, you sound wonderful, I hope you pull through together

Yeah it gets easier, but you have to really work at it. If he's not prepared to do the work, then you need to consider removing your DC from trhe situation.

He's working as hard as he can, he really is. But he is clearly overwhelmed and feels hopeless. He is going to therapy (which he hates) and taking anti-depressants (which he hates) and talking to me (a bit) and trying to keep distracted (which he finds really hard - its like a box of memories has opened in his brain and are just pinging out constantly). I wish I could give him a timeframe, or a structure and say 'this and this and this will happen and in xx months (please let it be months, not years) you will be feeling better than this'. But obviously it's different for everyone. From what I've read online so far we're talking about years rather than months. But none of us can survive years of the current situation.

Is there a local male survivors group he could join? He sound a lot like my late H. He couldn't be doing with "tally talky bullshit" as he put it!

notthefordtype - there are, but he doesn't want to do it. I think that although he's starting to remember and process things, he still can't (and doesn't want) to see himself as a 'child abuse victim'. Going to something like that would make it all too real. I hope this might change, so he can see he is not alone, not a freak.

I have a name change for this :(

DH was severely abused and we have had no/little support

GP didn't help, relate, art therapy, CBC. Place marking I guess.

Xxxx