just found out DH was sexually abused as child

[nothingpreparedmeforthis]

... and don't know what to do. We've been together 12 years and it has just come out. It's the first time he has told anyone. Don't know why it has come up now but he's in a bad way - so depressed, withdrawn, distant. He's not eating much or sleeping. This is totally unlike him. We are seeing a therapist together (this revelation came out because our marriage was on the rocks and we went for marriage guidance and then this came out).
There is nothing I wouldn't do for him, but everything I say or do seems so inadequate compared to the gravity of what has happened to him. And to think I never realised in all this time makes me feel so guilty. What a crap wife I must be.
Wondering if anyone else has experience of supporting a partner through this and advice. We're both totally lost and apart from the counsellor he is adamant NOBODY can know about it. I understand that but it makes it really hard to deal with.
Feels so unreal - like we're both in a joint nightmare that we can't wake up from.
Any advice or support is v much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

You are doing what you need to do already OP.

You gave him someone he can trust enough to confide in. And now to just express how crap he feels.

You are someone who he can reach out to, but you can't fix or hurry anything, being there alongside someone is tough. But amazing - you are saying to him, it's ok, I won't run away, I'll listen, life doesn't implode, I'm still here, I love you, I'm your friend, I won't abuse your trust, I won't tell others, I'll just be here.

In answer to the 'does it get easier?' question.

Yes. Absolutely. With the right help.

I went from being constantly anxious and overwhelemed with flashbacks (the box of memories pinging open, that he has described to you) to managing things without tipping into high anxiety after about 6 months of therapy.

I have made massive amounts of progress in 12 months, to the point that I'm able to make changes like starting a new job etc. I feel happy and positive about the future.

I had absolutely years of stuff to get through, but the edge has been taken off most of it with some really good therapy.

I haven't tried EMDR, but have heard very good things about it for people who have become overwhelmed to the point of non-functioning.

Things get better.

And I say that as someone who has lost their entire biological family as a result of disclosing. I am happier, calmer and more together than I've ever been in my adult life now that I've faced this stuff head-on.

Also, look out for small signs of recovery and acknowledge them. My recovery was very gradual at first, but still noticeable as I look back.

I used to be absolutely overwhelmed after going through abuse memories in therapy to the point that I'd lie on the sofa for three evenings just recovering. It exhausted me.

Now I can talk about an abuse memory then go for a run straight afterwards and carry on with my day.

You don't notice at first that you're recovering, but it is noticeable if you look for the signs.

And it's shit and hard work and pushes you to the brink of coping and most of all it is just NOT FAIR when you know that the person who did this to you is walking around living a carefree life.

But this is how it is. There is life after abuse but you have to do the work yourself. Probably the most hard thing about it. But that's the way it its.

learntoflyagain Thank you so much for your messages, they were just what I needed to hear this morning. I'm sorry you had such awful experiences but so glad to hear how well you are doing in therapy. I hope things continue to go well for you.
In our case, the bastard is dead, not wandering around. Perversely, this feels harder as it means we both know he'll never face the consequences of what he did - even if it's just me and DH showing up and punching him in the face. I might try to find out where he's buried so I can go and piss on his grave.
The only surviving person related to this (apart from DH) is his mum. He told her about the abuse at the time but she didn't believe him. Now that he's starting to process it all I don't know how we'll ever be able to have her in our house again. I know that she didn't knowingly submit him to all that, and in 'those days' people weren't as aware of child abuse symptoms, but I don't think either of us can forgive her.
Thanks again to everyone - so helpful to be able to vent on here as it's the only thing IRL that I can't share with my friends and family.

Nothingprepared, wow, that must be very hard knowing he's dead. At least I got to call my abuser a liar and tell him exactly what he was.

I wouldn't be able to forgive his mother, either. I don't forgive mine - to my knowledge I didn't tell her but it was going on right under her roof and she was turning a blind eye to all kinds of stuff.

For your DH to have told and not been believed is unforgivable. Context, era, all the rest of it. Inexcusable. Real parents protect their children.

I hope DH carries on with this therapy and begins to improve. He isn't alone. Also, you may find havoca.org.uk a helpful site - I know there's a section on there for partners supporting survivors.

Sorr www.havoca.org/

Thanks, will check it out.